LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


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o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-25 - 5:04 p.m.

back to the beginning once again


and we began today many entries ago and as I said, I did return... amidst groans and cheers, no doubt (and laughter, of course, for writing always brings me to laughter in the end, as does living and being)...

you will see what you want to see, no matter what you say or think you want, you will see through your eyes and what you truly want is what you will see...

you want me
but what do you really want
something physical
something chemical
do you equate love as sex?
as if your body is you?
is there no one inside
who can tell me what is true?

and if you do not take care of yourself
why should I try to take care of you?
if you're working against me
you must want to
or are you so unaware
of what you do
that you are not really sure
what is true?

in the innocence of the child you might see mischief
in the cruelest acts you might see nothing to change
in the harm you might see kindness
of the charm you may be suspicious
you will see what you want to see and it won't seem strange

you will see what you want to see
everywhere
you will see what you want to see
in yourself
you will see what you want to see
right here
you will see what you want to see
in me


never quite knowing (or planning) just when a rhyme might start flowing (though I can pop them out on queue for a fair price, like a smile or some genuine caring or love, and I tend to find few willing to exchange such a simple inspiration for whatever reasons, so I sing mostly to myself while I'm sorting through my clothes) and there was a time when I actually noticed every nuance of interaction around me (and with me) that makes little or no effort to sort out their differences and find the similarities at the core that bridge all gaps between us... chemistry of the cosmos, man...

but few take the math that far these days...

meanwhile, work distracts me tonight because I've got a brand new staff here who's being coached by another staff I don't trust to do much work right, which is par for the course in this self-defeating system that the incompetents in management continue to feed... and then they'll come to me and ask me to straighten out what's going wrong by retraining staff who are fairly set in their carelessly mis-trained habits... when formal training is relatively meaningless because it does not relate to the primary tasks of the day-to-day job, the actual training is left to informal snips and zags that have no uniformity to the system and so it's the blind leading the blind down a rat hole... and it doesn't help that the administration tends to dump their undesirable staff on the night shift to get them out of the daylight... out of sight, out of mind... see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, that's the actual corporate way, so damn the policies and full speed in reverse...

and a few of us do the best we can to keep the spirit of the system running for the patient's sake even as the body of the system is a rotting corpse... and speaking of rotting corpses...

I took this body to the gym this weekend... got on the elliptical machine for the first time in almost a year... and ouch, facing the decline of the human body is painfully frustrating when that body happens to be the one I am currently in...

...and the last writings from the past few weeks...

a quick update as my eyes close and I fall over... another special weekend ends with still more intense explorations in trust and sharing and even as I wonder if I am being myself again, I feel like that may be more the case than my consciously controlled mind will open up to be aware of, which is one way of testing whether the damage done in the past is permanent and just how deep it goes and what's up at the core...

all remains excitingly on hold as each step is along the edge of the precarious balance between leaping into faith and trust as unconditionally as possible and changing a stranger into a friend and the folly of trusting something to last when it's not mutually wanted... how much compromise is too much compromise... and how much truth are we really getting out of each other (hiding from self?... who me?)... anything ispossible, after all...


and then, another night and another oh well... the computer I drag into the hallway does not have enough memory to run MS Office 2000 programs, yet that is what is installed, so work is extremely slow when it can be done (five times I opened Excel to create a spreadsheet and five times Excel stopped responding, presumably because of lack of memory... it happens with Word as well, though not as often... so I use Word tables for forms instead of Excel, which means the database operations and calculations and data entry capabilities that would make life and record keeping here at the hospital much easier don't exist), oh well... the idea of getting a portable floppy drive for the computer that has XP on it (it's a faster machine with more memory and I think XP is a much better suite of programs than 2000) didn't happen as I decided to stay out of town this weekend instead of driving back into town to the Market Pro Computer Show for the floppy drive and other things... hopefully they'll have another show next month (they usually do during the summer) and I'll get the floppy then so the computer work (and writing) will continue to expand here at work...

meanwhile, we must work through with this current set up here for another month... and I sense the pressure from the writer in as the writer is feeling neglected (by me for not providing enough writing time) and that's not always good because it's as if I stop talking to myself and when I stop talking to myself all sorts of odd and horrible things can happen cuz I am rather sensitive and feel dissed by myself when I don't talk to myself and I might undermine whatever is happening in life because I blame everything happening for not having enough writing time...

or I could just tell the writer he's on vacation and see if that works...

for those of you who have not been around (or explored) long enough to be able to read between the lines and understand my babbling and the me in my words well, oh well...

I am as I am, partly the words you read (and as regular readers of my babbles know, I've been recorded in many millions of words, some of which have made it out here on to the web, for anyone interested)... partly the music I hear in my mind (not organized well enough for the web just yet), though some scratches have been made on the surfaces here and there and there are innumerable lyrical references throughout the rambling)... partly the dreams and hopes and fears and more I express in various ways much finding expression in words that can be found through the gardens and paths I suggested in a recent entry... I do not wish to imagine anyone truly trying to know me without reading my writings, for there is so much to learn about me in my rambles that I still learn new things about myself here... and music, my first love (or was that Amy, perhaps a song called Amy that has yet to be completed... ah, how I love to tease my fragile psyche and the precarious balance at my core), trying to know me (no less love me) without music would be about like trying to fly without wings (it can be done, but so much of the experience would be missed)... and then the physical body, tired and growing older, still demands nothing less than my best before it will be comfortably shared (and that is not what I give it these days, so alone I remain... though cuddling is wonderful)...

I feel distracted here at work tonight because I sense a lot of neediness in those around me... my senses give me a whole lot more information about people than I want at times, but then, this too is who I am and as hard as I've tried to change, to diminish the intensity of my experience, to shut down brain cells and not feel as much, in the end I obviously did not really want to die, not even a little... and though I have (the needle and the damage done) reduced my potential in this physical life dramatically over the years by neglecting this body off and on and repressed much of who I am in many ways, the scales of measure are relative... and inside I am still many standard deviations from the human norms on more levels than I can describe in words... still hoping to find the one who understands all I mean... still dreaming of finding someone who experiences this existence as I do... still looking around and finding eyes turning away...

when you get close to sharing, the hunger to share grows exponentially... desperations screams in your ears and demands action... and yet, somewhere inside a sweet peace remains and encourages patience... patience even if it never ends... patience even if the dream never comes true... it is more important to remain true to it than to have it... remember that... always...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

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AND WHATDYA MISS?
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101 Things
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and now, in RealTime�

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(EPISODE ONE)
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THOUGHTS ON GOD

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