the best laid plans, again... my adventure in the country continues to challenge and amaze, which is a good thing in spite of the cliffs and sense of complete humiliation that swallows all confidence and certainty (and threatens the very foundation of security) sometimes... what is real is real and better than any fantasy (or so I keep telling myself) and even if nobody who looks me in the eyes ever really wants to know it all, the impossible dream is still on of my theme songs... one of these days I'll give you a play list of them all...

and this entry was written on a Sunday night after rushing back to work (leaving fifty minutes for an hour trip) without keys or ID or any of the stuff I bring to work in order to work and follow the rules and all that, I find there's a new staff expecting training (typical management move, don't mention it) and the air conditioning broken again so it's a steam bath here which makes it ridiculously easy to nod off on night shift, which would not be a good way to keep the job...

challenge me, but be cool with your bad self... and please don't turn off the air-conditioner unless it's ok to sleep...

ok, never let it be said that we are not resourceful here in the loony bin... a quick trip out to the modern day slave-traders (Wal-Mart... ethics crumble at 3AM when looking for a place to buy floppy disks, a small fan or two, and quick snacks... ok, the quick snacks could be found at any 24-hour convenience store for a higher price that would be worth it to shut my ethical child up, but the other stuff, well, work presented a challenge and Wally provided the solution) and here I sit in front of two small fans (one oscillating and one stationary) with an ice cold Code Red (and pistachio nuts and Ritz Chips because the chips isle was being waxed) and a floppy disk upon which to ramble on (it would not be wise to leave files on the work computers ya know) and I am no longer nodding off...

so after all that explanatory introduction type ramble, or preamble, here we are... and how are you?...

while you type out your answer in your diary, journal, or blog (or email if you are not into this 21st century semi-narcissistic exhibitionism... or maybe you'd rather call... you know the number if you've come here with open eyes), I'll ponder my own answer as I tap the keys somewhat subconsciously... I have been under the influence of an absolutely adorable toddler lately, after all, which leads me to realize just how far from myself I've wandered... my instincts and abilities have diminished dramatically due to atrophy and entropy and apathy and anti-empathy drugs being produced in my brain in these years of carelessly corrupted confounded confusion that I've cultivated quite casually as I kick back and let the landslide that is life speed up and carry me closer and closer to the cliff that is death as we know it... if you truly understand what I am writing, you still have no real measure of what I mean because everything is relative in it's own way... it is so scary to look into innocent eyes and see the reflection of the fear in my own eyes, a fear I never empowered with such visible manifestation before... and yet I doubt more than one in a hundred thousand would even notice...

being alone in this world, an orphan of humanity without ever knowing any biological family and having no legal family and just a few semi-adopted family still in touch and no true friends who share the secret fantasies and wishes and hopes and inspirations (like writing and music and exercise and more) that I thrive so much upon, I enter relationships with single moms knowing that I have so much more to lose than they do... if it ends, they have their children's unconditional love and usually, love of family and close friends... me, I've got me... so it's always an something or nothing risk for me...

still, it's all relative... and words can not adequately explain most of it... and human ego and fear complicate communication and understanding so much that belief is distorted and without belief there is nothing (unless you truly believe in nothing, and then, maybe it's something for you in some anti-matter way)... I believe in nothingness, but that's something if you can follow my drift... I started explaining it in Book 25 many years ago (I paused in the handwritten written gardens some where around book 500, I think, and many books had multiple volumes so there are hundreds of thousands of pages of words in storage awaiting exploration by anyone who truly cares to be interested enough to help me motivate myself to get the stuff out of storage and start the sorting through it all process and retire from the madhouse to get into the garage sale business or something like that... if only all those comic books and baseball cards were not discarded by careless grown-ups all those years ago, retirement would be a snap... again, it's all relative...

and nobody wants to share the stuff in storage, even when I offer it as a gift... and nobody wants to just be a true friend (without trying to jump my bones)... everybody seems in such a hurry to share only what they want, the surface... alas, grump, grump...

obviously I was a tad grumpy writing that entry... work threw me several hard curves when I got back from a challenging weekend (cuz her walls were up but she pretended they weren't as we went out with large groups of people, most of whom I was meeting for the first time)... for me, the inner walls must come down before the body is ready to share... am I that different?...

I am going to spend today, I mean the RealTime� Friday the 24th, culling through emails and entry notes and scribbles made over the last three weeks in the hope that I actually catch up (as in upload) here (and we begin tomorrow, technically, but that's not today in RealTime�, after all)... after spending the last five weeks out every day, I shall enjoy the complete vegetation of staying home all weekend, I think...

unless, of course, some inspirational person comes to the door and drags me out... or something like that... but that's not likely this weekend... and focusing on myself a bit is a good thing... and writing, yes, clear out the build up of thoughts in my head, that is a very good thing (if I want to remain functionally sane, that is)... and sense of humor returns, which is almost the best thing of all (the best thing, naturally, is finding the complete soulmate and falling in love)...

I hope your weekend is as relaxing and personally enjoyable as mine has begin to be... you deserve it... and love, you deserve love too... so I love you, if you don't mind too much... I love you lots...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)