another list forms out of the ether of my mind, or somewhere...it joins the links on the left as the third 101 Things (not counting the 202 and 200 things that are based on other people's 101 and 100 things, respectively) and there are two more 202 things in progress (can you stand it?)... being the purist that I am, I ask you to let me know if I've repeated myself in these lists because that would be inadvertent cheating, after all... and once again, if you are not interested in the autobiographical details and trivial pursuits of this life I loosely call mine, then feel free to skip these entries and move along to something you do enjoy, whether here behind the candoor or elsewhere... of course that doesn't mean you should not stay and criticize or challenge me on any of these points... or even ask for more, if you're so inclined...

I imagine that there will be, if I keep this sort of list=making up, some themes and redundancy running through the words... hopefully we will find consistency for while I am a bundle of contradictions at first glance, I am quite a stable element deep down... I think... part of this process of sharing myself is to learn what you think... so join in, ruminate and respond as you wish... the more the merrier and all that...

seriously, enjoy yourself...

and now

1. I am lonely all the time.
2. I love being alone, but not all the time.
3. Sharing caring completely openly and honestly makes everything more real.
4. I prefer real, even when pretending.
5. I am always real, but I don't always let all of me show.
6. I love to share pretending with someone who loves to share pretending to amuse without any harm.
7. I have discovered that these lists are sometimes easier than the babbling I do because I can thing in segments instead of streams.
8. It is challenging to start sentences with a word other than I because this list is meant to be all about me, but that does not sit well with some part of me.
9. Perhaps I listened too well to structural critiques in creative writing classes.
10. Grammatical conventions, like most rules, are made to be broken.
11. I've broken most rules, sometimes on purpose, so I will continue starting sentences with I, mostly.
12. I want to be accepted, respected, loved, and trusted unconditionally on every level in every way in this world as I am, especially now as I am poor without material wealth, with the realness of poverty in this consumer culture, without the burning desire to accumulate stuff, live materially rich, or compete with others for status or fame or fortune or any superficial ego trips or socio-economic recognition or power.
13. I was never sure of the veracity of people or the honesty of their expressed loved when I had money and material wealth.
14. Being myself, as I am, is essential.
15. I would rather be alone than pretend to be something I am not just to please others so they will stay around.
16. I understood what love meant more deeply than ever before at sixteen.
17. I am not sure just what virginity means for a male, but think I lost whatever I had left at seventeen.
18. I joined the US Army voluntarily so I could live somewhere else after high school.
19. The Army life was not for me so I got out early with an honorable discharge by breaking just enough rules so that my company commander could not penalize me, but he was happy to get rid of me early.
20. I think communism as an ideal is beautiful, everyone sharing everything freely and equally, but it doesn't work for humans at our current developmental stage because we are too insecure to trust ourselves or everyone else to share freely and equally.
21. I wish there was less greed and fear in this world, especially wish there was less fear-based systems of rules and beliefs.
22. I believe that the deepest truest desire in the human heart is to love and be loved, or at least to be loved, and I do my best to reach that desire and trust it as much as I possibly can.
23. I do my best not to empower confusion caused by misunderstandings or fears based on ignorance.
24. I wish I had more patience with and tolerance for people who are afraid or otherwise blocking their ability to care.
25. Everyone I've ever loved has left me for one reason or another.
26. Those closest to and most intimate with me in this life have told me that they understand me completely, but they can not endure the intensity for long and they left because they believed they could not overcome fear enough to keep up with my consistent openness and honesty, which gave them a feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness.
27. I sometimes wonder if those closest to and most intimate with me were just bullshitting me.
28. So far, the only person over eighteen years old in this life who I believe unconditionally loved and trusted me was not interested or willing to share in my most personally important interests or desires.
29. I can find comfort and hormonal release anywhere, with anyone, which is why I don't (or at least one reason).
30. I turn to food too often for comfort lately.
31. Power does not turn me on in any way, honesty, vulnerability, innocence, optimal health, and humor does in many ways.
32. Honesty is only the best policy when there is no intent to harm.
33. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is the courage to trust someone else and the strength to give yourself to someone else, and faith in yourself to survive anything that might happen.
34. Innocence is not ignorance or inexperience, it is the intent to do no harm.
35. Optimal health varies for each individual, but most people seem to fake it much more than achieve it.
36. Humor is not always funny, but like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder and like love, always inspires or provokes an emotional response.
37. Power is useless without meaning, futile without compassion, cruel without love, foolish without trust, and meaningless without the vulnerability to risk losing it.
38. Though I rarely intentionally hide my feelings, most of the time I am more serious than I let on in words.
39. I am almost always laughing at myself, but seldom does anyone really get the whole joke.
40. I understand the power of positive thinking, and also the power of self-pity.
41. I try to share the positive thinking and try not to share the self-pity because sharing the latter does no good.
42. My love of fiction is so reverent that I believe each #42 should be a profound thought.
43. No matter how reverent a love, it does not always succeed.
44. #43 may be why I love irreverence so much.
45. On the other hand, given the choice, I would take reverent love over anything else.
46. I think I may have just coined a new phrase combining true and unconditional love (with or without romance).
47. I like making up new words and ways of saying things.
48. I love secrets, especially when everyone is in on them.
49. If something does not make you think or feel, what good is it?
50. I don't know why, but several times while composing these lists of 101 Things, pickle juice has come to mind.
51. Too many people want an answer without actually asking a question.
52. I wish fewer people empowered fear, insecurity, negativity, and unproductive thoughts/emotions/energies.
53. Money is an illusion that makes other illusions more real, but only temporarily.
54. I think Huxley's Brave New World was built on cowardice.
55. People will not really share the world and live in peace until they are comfortable being alone.
56. The best things in life may be free, but most of the most important things in life are relative.
57. I think that superstrings may just be another name for what I've always called the energy of the eternal infinity.
58. Some may call the stuff of #57 God, but I think that in general, people personify everything too much..
59. I think people do #58 because they are too insecure to let go of an egocentric view of everything.
60. We are all children to some extent in that way (egocentric), but grown-ups deny this, which kind of defines them.
61. These 101 Things lists are not just about me, but also about what I think about others and other things, which is another way to tell you about me, so I guess these 101 Things are about me after all.
62. I wonder how many people see all the layers of irony in that and those before and all this.
63. I've always wanted to understand why people are the way they are, mostly because I want to share with people.
64. I've deliberately tried repressing myself in many ways, but I find it doesn't work too well while I am still consciously attempting to do it.
65. I mostly did #64 in an attempt to do #63, but also because I am insatiably curious about most everything.
66. I've always wondered how people deny things to themselves about themselves and their lives.
67. I wonder if anyone else truly believes and feels they are still innocent.
68. I think each mind defines each thing, word, action, according to one's individual thought process based on one's individual experience and we all seem to want to be of the same mind.
69. There is a look that is the most attractive look of all to me, a look that cuts through everything and grabs me by the center of my core demanding my undivided attention, unconditional love, and unwavering devotion... I call that look innocence, a look of unconditional trust.
70. In the end I may have to face that there could never be a portrait of my love for nobody could paint a dream.
71. I could mean unconditional lust in #69, come to think of it, but more likely I mean both.
72. Every time I take a moment to think I can learn something new about myself and everything else.
73. I am all about condiments and spices.
74. What I may love most about pizza is that it comes in infinite varieties.
75. No offense to Ray, but I used to call Romano Cheese "vomit cheese" and have always loved it.
76. I was always a purist when it came to chocolate, never wanting any fruit or nuts mixed in, but over the years I've accepted nuts, sometimes.
77. I experienced a little formal education in a few major religions as a child, but was thrown out of both Catholic and Hebrew after school education programs because I asked too many questions.
78. The same thing almost happened in nursery school because I was too sexually curious, but then it was asking questions of the doctors they sent me to that kept me from getting thrown out, probably because my questions made too much sense.
79. I thought about becoming a sex therapist, but decided I did not want to work at something I love to do, which is also why I've never tried to publish my writings or take a music career seriously.
80. That's also why I choose not to work in the food service industry or in theme parks, thought there are other reasons too.
81. I have often wondered what if, but have few regrets about my career choices.
82. Youth may be wasted on the young, but I don't feel like I wasted mine, in fact, I still have a lot more left inside.
83. Broken promises break my heart.
84. My heart is broken in several places, but it still functions rather well when I am awake.
85. Nobody really knows me at my core anymore. I wonder if anybody ever did.
86. I wonder how one of these lists would turn out (or be any different) under the influence of some mind altering substance.
87. I wonder if I am wondering #86 because I am becoming bored with the sameness and stability in my head.
88. I really don�t think I�ve ever been bored in the sense most people mean it because I am easily amused.
89. I love watching movies (or wearing T-Shirts) that provoke deep thought and any sort of powerful emotion.
90. My mouth likes to stay busy and the thing I love most about eating are the flavors, but I�d still rather be kissing.
91. I can be as comfortable sitting quietly in a crowd as I can bouncing around as the center of attention.
92. I used to publish a magazine for pen pals called Paper Fantasies in which you'd play any character from life, fiction, or your imagination and correspond in character.
93. This may be a repeat of #60, but: a grown-up is someone who denies still being a child.
94. I love cartoons, especially The Animaniacs, The Simpsons, South Park, Futurama, Family Guy, (more to follow) and some really old ones too.
95. Singing is breathing for my soul and I seldom sing anymore.
96. I do not seek fame, but could use a little fortune now and then.
97. .
98. I would like to trust someone unconditionally and intimately in real time and physical space on an on-going basis again.
99. .
100. .
101. Since my first thought I have sought an honest person. I still do.

this will be completed soon�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)