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2005-10-27 - 6:37 a.m.
101 Things, The Sequel
it's happened again...
as most of you probably know too well by now, I seldom do anything worthwhile in moderation... in fact, it is fair to say that I have done many things many would not consider worthwhile without moderations as well... and it would not be stretching the truth to even say I have done plenty of wasting time without any moderation at all...
obviously I could occasionally use a good moderator...
perhaps even more than occasionally...
but that's not why we've gathered here today...
no no, today is special... today there will not be long lists of links to all the wonderful (and weird) places I've found in my wanderings... today there will not be dedications to my love of your diaries and journals and blogs and you (not that I love you any less today, dear readers, it's just that I love myself more)...
yes yes, today you lucky people are going to be exposed to the latest greatest fate test as I let my mind, for whatever it means, ramble on along the path of numbers...
yes that's right, we're in for yet another especially made for you free-associative lesson in narcissism, the one and only Second 101 Things About Candoor!...
amazing, isn't it?...
before you go on to this one and only second list, you might want to check the first 101 things since it was first and would have been the one and only 101 things about candoor had this second 101 things about candoor not come along and that first one might be the best representative list... but being second does not give this list an inferiority complex, on the contrary, it may claim the distinction of delving deeper into some parts of the cadoor psyche (scry thought, perhaps) and providing even more insight into the mind of the writer of this diary...
with this in mind, let there be no more fanfare or accolades or self-engrandisement... let us now bow and genuflect upon the marvel that is:
101 Things About Candoor, The Sequel
1. I love my friends.
2. I would rather laugh than cry, but I believe crying is healthy and do not hold back tears.
3. I believe in honesty without harm and strive to actualize that in all I do.
4. I believe innocence is the intent to do no harm, not ignorance or inexperience.
5. Innocence is one of the most powerfully attractive personality traits for me.
6. Beauty is honesty, innocence, curiosity, an open heart and mind, positivity, caring, sharing, and the courage to overcome fears.
7. I believe in mind-mates, body-mates, and soul-mates and they might be three different people, but I seek the one who is all three for me.
8. I mix up now and not a lot in my writing (unfortunately, that leads to occasional misunderstandings, though on the plus side, it sure can test a sense of humor out good)
9. I appreciate a very open and flexible sense of humor.
10. I am infinitely more sensitive than anyone has ever cared to know.
11. I've been mostly dead in many ways for much of the last decade.
12. I dislike misunderstanding, especially when it is used to divide people.
13. I can be subjective and/or objective in my thinking, but I sometimes forget that's my choice.
14. I would like to make love from dusk until dawn. With one person.
15. I do not like closed minded people who interfere in others lives because they think they know better. ("Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do")
16. I sometimes wonder how much of my sarcasm goes right over people's heads (and how much is actually taken seriously).
17. While I dislike misunderstanding, I allow the potential for confusion and misunderstanding in my writing because I want those who care to ask for clarification and those who don't care can believe whatever they like (they will anyway).
18. I believe that after finding meaning in life, serious fun should be the next objective (ideally they should be combined).
19. As much as I enjoy each moment, there is a deep part of me missing that keeps me sleepwalking through life, though compared to most people I meet I have more energy, alertness, and awareness so they may never know.
20. I don't fake any of it, ever.
21. I feel everything, but I try not to let impulses guide my decisions, so it doesn't always show in all I do.
22. I lost touch with people in this life I never thought I'd ever lose touch with and that hurts, but what hurts more is the fact that I ever let it happen in the first place.
23. I miss my friends.
24. I love the comfort of old friends, but also love the process of making new friends.
25. My longest lasting, most deeply desired dream remains sharing true unconditional love with a family I create with the one I seek in #7.
26. Observing humanity for too long too closely can be very depressing.
27. I love the idea of exploring the universe.
28. The brown M&Ms are my favorite, but the red ones seem sweeter sometimes (I know it's all in my mind, but I don't always tell my mouth).
29. Singing is breathing for my anima/spirit/soul.
30. I miss singing, I miss me.
31. I wonder if I am punishing myself somehow for failing in achieving some dreams.
32. Some people tell me I am the most cheerful depressed person they know and others tell me I am a child with a dark secret and still others tell me they've never met a happier person (never mentioning deeper insights).
33. I find it amusing that everyone thinks they are right from their own perspective, but so few agree
34. I firmly believe that anything is possible.
35. Motivation is lacking in my life at this time.
36. I do not want to spend most of my time around people who lack self-discipline, who are inconsiderate, unaware, or self-abusive, but find I must almost everywhere I go.
37. I think too many people waste most of their lives trying to get over on other people (or the system) or complaining about things when they could be spending that time changing things in their own lives that would get them more of what they want.
38. This list is starting to seem rather dark and negative, hope it will change for the positive soon.
39. I don't tell people what they want to hear, I tell people what I feel is truth in my heart.
40. I think repressed feelings and lies are the root of most evil and a lot of illness.
41. I don't usually find insecurity attractive because few are open or honest about it and I find hiding it very unattractive.
42. I respect people who take responsibility for themselves and their actions, but I find most people would rather blame someone else for what goes wrong in their lives.
43. Based on what people say and how they act, I wonder why most people have children.
44. The dichotomy of extreme emotions in my might appear bipolar to some, even to some professionals, but if you come close enough you might understand the balance that keeps me stable at my core.
45. Most people are scared away by my roller coaster (and honest expression of emotion) long before that knowing me.
46. I'm not looking for someone to save me, but I'd love someone to help me out once in a while.
47. I can be concrete and/or abstract in my thinking, but I sometimes forget that's my choice too.
48. Nobody's perfect and I think it's unfortunate that some of us want to be (I did for a while).
49. One time, on a bike trip, a friend and I ran through the lobby of dozens of hotels and YMCAs and Hostels in our underwear.
50. I wonder almost all the time about almost everything. At the moment I wonder how many of these list items I did before I repeated myself.
51. I like letting other people decide on daily things like where to eat or what to do because it's fun to be surprised and I learn about them.
52. I think most people would rather be told what to do than decide for themselves. I think I am quite the opposite.
53. I love playing games, especially when numbers or trivia are involved.
54. One of my favorite courses may have been a 4 credit English course in rock lyrics I took at a community college in Monterey, CA, though studying how the brain works and how life works is still my favorite academic area of study.
55. Music, however, is still my second favorite thing to do (listen, play, sing, create, share), with written words a close third, maybe tying for second at times, which is why writing and collaborating to write songs is so much fun for me.
56. Sharing love with someone who stimulates me on every level is still my first favorite thing to do.
57. Sharing openly and honestly makes almost anything feel better.
58. I wish more people would do it (share openly and honestly), but I know very few who do.
59. I wonder if anyone truly actualizes unconditional love.
60. I am usually the one who leads in my personal relationships and I wish that was not so constant.
61. I think a criminal justice system is one of the pillars of any society and ours is failing.
62. I usually do not think about personal hygiene while eating in a restaurant, because I don't think the average person respects germs or others as much as they could.
63. For most of this life I have searched for the perfect pair of running shoes (still searching).
64. I was banned from Canada in 1997.
65. As much as I respect and strive for honesty, I wonder how many times I lied in this life and never knew it.
66. Over the years I have found myself to be much more critical of things than I used to be and I am not sure I like that trend.
67. While I might find worth in positive criticism,
68. I definitely do not like the trend in my attitude when I am negative about or down on things.
69. I think that being alone too much too long is the biggest contributing factor to #66 and #67.
70. I believe we each have the power to decide what we think, how we feel, and what we want to do about anything and ever moment we are not actualizing that power we are defeating the purpose of our existence.
71. I believe to actualize that power in #70 fully, we must open our minds to our own instincts and not be afraid of anything we find.
72. I believe that unconditional self trust is the essence to successfully knowing self, successfully knowing self is the first step toward true happiness and success in this life.
73. I believe that even when all the pieces seem to fit, we still might not be seeing the whole picture.
74. I wonder why you are still here reading this and I wonder what you are getting out of it (and I hope it's something good).
75. Knowing each of us is always alone in individual bodies in this life doesn't mean we have to always like it, but we must learn to love it if we want to know peace here.
76. Sometimes I wonder if I really know anything about anything.
77. I don't want to live in the past, but I would like someone to know everything about me (even if that takes forever).
78. I wonder if anyone noticed that I frequently masturbated in class in from the third grade through middle school, not so much in high school.
79. I try to hide nothing and do not think I have anything to hide.
80. I wish someone would consider me the center of their universe (and I felt the same for them).
81. I think people empower fear way too much in themselves and I wish fear was not as empowered as it is in this world.
82. I accept the term libido is a name for an instinctive part of the brain that we may not always understand, but should not ignore.
83. My first sexual experience was at about four years old. She was four too. We liked getting naked and touching each other. Until the nursery school teachers found us sleeping together naked. She was on top.
84. Girl on top is still my favorite position, which is one reason I have a preference for petite partners.
85. I like to breathe. Deeply.
86. Conscious awareness of myself and everything else started early for me compared to the textbook norms.
87. I was given a battery of psychological tests in nursery school after the library corner incident.
88. They labeled me genius.
89. That is not a nice label to get at four years old.
90. I'm still not sure if the chicken or the egg came first, but ever since I can remember I've had a rather different view on life and human relations than anyone I've ever met.
91. When I am feeling centered and myself, I love my perspective, but I do not like everything I see.
92. I do not always want to be right, but I do usually want to be understood.
93. Sometimes I am perfectly content being alone in this universe.
94. I was bored a lot in school, did no homework, but still got top grades, except for the first term of eleventh grade when I stopped going to class completely.
95. I was at high school every day involved in other things, but only went to class enough to graduate a year early.
96. High school was one of the most fun times of this life for me.
97. I could have graduated two years early, but I didn't want to. because of #96.
98. Aside from some physical limits we do not seem to be able to see our away past at the moment, I think anybody can do anything they want to do if they want to do it enough.
99. I love playing with numbers.
100. I am developing a powerful love/hate relationship with these lists, but if you'll enjoy them then I will too.
101. I wonder what you would like to know most about me that you do not already know.
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you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...
AND WHATDYA MISS?
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