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2005-06-26 - 10:15 p.m. further through the mind of an egotistical maniac there is no real comfort sitting at this work comfort and that is the first thought distracting me from the ramble that might be... this hospital demonstrates absolutely no awareness of ergonomics or the discomforts, reduced productivity, and disabilities associated with and caused by uncomfortable work spaces... for instance, this primary unit computer is situated at the corner of a counter with no leg space under the counter so leaning forward is the typical way this station is used... officially it is the only computer we have... the keyboard is set on the counter offering no room for a wrist rest so it is a set up for carpal tunnel... since most of the work I do on the computer is extra and unofficial (and denied regularly in public meetings, though praised by the managers who benefit from the work), any suggestions I might have for improving the work station are brushed aside and if I complain I am told I should not be at the computer anyway... then I am asked to create a new form or system of auditing and they look away as I break the rules about being at the computer... management here definitely follows the three monkey philosophy (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil) except that here it is more like "see nothing, hear nothing, speak nothing, do nothing (or as little as possible)"... so i suppose it is more of a four monkey philosophy, but then, the inferrence in the three monkey philosophy is that they do nothing so maybe not...
like I was looking for a long lost friend without a reason for the things I do waiting to come back out of the blue oooooooo day dreaming through the night again as if the stars were my only friends no one inspires me to come back home and it really doesn't matter where I roam ohhhhhhh once I knew where I belonged with the one falling in love but she's been gone so long I wonder maybe I was wrong my fortitude drifts and it used to be so strong now I don't even have the strength to sing my song once I knew when I was right with the one holding me tight but she's been so far away for so many nights I wonder maybe I was never really right my confidence slips and it used to be so secure now I don't even have the will to open my door free falling through time and space just looking for a friendly face with understanding in her eyes life is wonder and sweet surprise on the rise somewhere inside I realize genius doesn't always mean your wise being true to an ideal that nobody else can feel cuz they are to scared to make it real is the ultimate catch-22 scooby-dooby do once I knew where I belonged it was so easy to sing my song and that made everything alright every night I wonder maybe no one ever really cared maybe no one ever really shared maybe all that's left is deep despair once I was so aware nothing and everything was a surprise in her eyes in her eyes in her eyes in her eyes in her eyes... ��sleep writing through life again... and yet (here's where you must suspend belief in your norms to believe)I still, even in a state that is sleeping for me, find myself more awake than anyone around me, letting eye contact be the judge and focus be the measure... reality is only a glance away, really, and you never forget once you've been there... even if you let go and get losy in space and time... even if you let your conscious mind seem to forget you know you never really forget once you'd felt it, you never really forget once it's touched you, you never really forget the sharp awareness, acute awareness, everything becomes excrutiatingly clearonce you've been there (and there is here)... just let go of the fear and open your eyes and you are there (right now, right here)... wishful thinking?... well you may say that I'm a dreamer, ya know... and even though I find myself alone again, naturally today... and even though I am regularly reminded that my incorrigible quest for nothing but the truth, the whole truth, and what is under the surface of what our conscious mind perceives as the truth is more than anyone wants to explore with another person (or even, I suspect, by themselves)... and even though the facts of life with humans are very discouraging when I seek intimacy on levels of awareness that I live... I still believe, because I want to believe, that humans exist in this world today who dare to cast off all facades and can stand, no, thrive on the vulnerability, catharsis, and growth that comes from total exposure and shared inspection with another allowed to be completely open and honest... and someday, somewhere, someone will not run away from closer inspection, but rather welcome it with the same excitement and hope that I do... ... ... ... won't someone stay and sing with me ... ... ... won't someone rise the the occasions even against their conscious will just because there's an instinct tha's better than a thrill not to hide the elation to feel every sensation now wishing for adoration love me love me la la la there might have been more to this entry if there was more time and less distractions, but I ran out of mind (or something like that)...
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