LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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FAT MAN WALKING
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FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-26 - 10:15 p.m.

further through the mind of an egotistical maniac


there is no real comfort sitting at this work comfort and that is the first thought distracting me from the ramble that might be... this hospital demonstrates absolutely no awareness of ergonomics or the discomforts, reduced productivity, and disabilities associated with and caused by uncomfortable work spaces... for instance, this primary unit computer is situated at the corner of a counter with no leg space under the counter so leaning forward is the typical way this station is used... officially it is the only computer we have... the keyboard is set on the counter offering no room for a wrist rest so it is a set up for carpal tunnel... since most of the work I do on the computer is extra and unofficial (and denied regularly in public meetings, though praised by the managers who benefit from the work), any suggestions I might have for improving the work station are brushed aside and if I complain I am told I should not be at the computer anyway... then I am asked to create a new form or system of auditing and they look away as I break the rules about being at the computer... management here definitely follows the three monkey philosophy (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil) except that here it is more like "see nothing, hear nothing, speak nothing, do nothing (or as little as possible)"... so i suppose it is more of a four monkey philosophy, but then, the inferrence in the three monkey philosophy is that they do nothing so maybe not...

so every now and then, much too often for the process of free associative babble, I shall pause to sit back and stretch mmuscles and move my joints and in turn, break my concentration... alas, the trials and tribulations of trying to goof off at the computer while supposedly working for a living... at times like these I would much prefer returning to being independently wealthy...

so the good news (good being relative, I suppose) is that i've finally caught up on this month of June, 2005 in which I stepped away from online daily diary writing more than I have since I started this particular online daily diary entitled behind the candoor (which, for those of you who are not afficianatos of the history of adult films in America, loosely refers to one of the most popular titles from one of the most popular adult film actresses, specifically Behind The Green Door starring Marylin Chambers, since your curiosity is now so aroused that you might get frustrated if I left you hanging and you didn't know how to do it yourself (find the title, that is)... just another sample of my irreverence sense of humor... the subtitle, life in black and white, might have an equally shady (or double entendre or hidden meaning) origin (or we could create one or two), but the facts as I remember them officer sir are simply that I wanted to state the facts, as Joe Friday would say, without any distractions of color or design or images or the usual stuff that makes online diaries more visually fun... for one thing, I distract myself enough without bells, whistles, and graphics... and also i do not have the computer power to do it up as I would like if I was to explore the world of graphics and collages and brushes and all that good design stuff... and I'd have to learn java and CSS and, yeah, I didn't feel like all those distractions here...

so what we have is me and the words in a colorless landscape in an attempt to focus my usually wandering (or meandering) mind on the journey I am experiencing day by day in this life... the stark format reflects the stark lifestyle I have now since losing everything (like the sun going down on me, which leaves night, dark, black, and white letters... it all makes sense if you follow the bouncing fingers... and speaking of bouncing fingers, though I am alone in this world these days, Marylin Chambers would be welcome behind the candoor too... did I mention Sleepless in Seattle and You've Got Mail were both on twice today?... so yeah, it's really Meg Ryan on my mind, not Marylin, or is it Marilyn, yeah, maybe, anyway, either would be welcome, though Meg had me at hello)...

as I sit here in this awkward position I feel my belly bulging out to new proportions and it is definitely not comfortable... sharing this body in it's present state and condition is so not something I want to do, and yet, I can hear those dang whipporwills... and Beth Gibbons, I also hear Beth Gibbons in my head... give me a reason to be... and I wonder where all my inspiration to be a sub 2:30 marathoner went... out with the trash in Toronto, perhaps... along with the singer woman child, your eyes are wild, the rain runs down your hair... woman child, mercy mild, what will you tell your teddy bear?... and the actor and... doesn't anybody see the me I used to be...

it would be lament if there wasn't such an edge to my perspective these days... see, it is not easy to lament or throw a good pity party when the ideal of honesty without harm is one you live by (that you being me, in this case) and when confronted in physical reality with the ideals and beliefs and desires and stuff that makes me who I am, I find it near impossible to cop out and settle for less... so it's all bullshit, the whining and complaining and finding excuses as if I could actually be happy with myself settling for a fraction of the me I know as me...

so I shall happily kick myself with a stern distain (and a sense of humor) until I stop this mad dash toward the slow train to death that is so much the human way and return to my even more different lifestyle and clarity... more isolated, I shall be, but only one, dear Yoda, is all I need to find me... hearing the Moody Blues now, Seventh Sojourn and the first break-up recording, Blue Jays... I've been saved by the music more than a few times in this life... if only someone truly understood what I mean and would share the experience, that would be one of the greatest turn-ons I can imagine... but for now I am living in the land of make-believe, trying not to let it show...

sleep writing through life again
like I was looking for a long lost friend
without a reason for the things I do
waiting to come back out of the blue
oooooooo

day dreaming through the night again
as if the stars were my only friends
no one inspires me to come back home
and it really doesn't matter where I roam
ohhhhhhh

once I knew where I belonged
with the one falling in love
but she's been gone so long
I wonder
maybe I was wrong
my fortitude drifts
and it used to be so strong
now I don't even have the strength
to sing my song

once I knew when I was right
with the one holding me tight
but she's been so far away
for so many nights
I wonder
maybe I was never really right
my confidence slips
and it used to be so secure
now I don't even have the will
to open my door

free falling through time and space
just looking for a friendly face
with understanding in her eyes
life is wonder and sweet surprise
on the rise

somewhere inside I realize
genius doesn't always mean your wise
being true to an ideal
that nobody else can feel
cuz they are to scared to make it real
is the ultimate catch-22
scooby-dooby do

once I knew where I belonged
it was so easy to sing my song
and that made everything alright
every night
I wonder
maybe no one ever really cared
maybe no one ever really shared
maybe all that's left is deep despair
once I was so aware
nothing and everything was a surprise
in her eyes
in her eyes
in her eyes
in her eyes
in her eyes...

sleep writing through life again...


and yet (here's where you must suspend belief in your norms to believe)I still, even in a state that is sleeping for me, find myself more awake than anyone around me, letting eye contact be the judge and focus be the measure... reality is only a glance away, really, and you never forget once you've been there... even if you let go and get losy in space and time... even if you let your conscious mind seem to forget you know you never really forget once you'd felt it, you never really forget once it's touched you, you never really forget the sharp awareness, acute awareness, everything becomes excrutiatingly clearonce you've been there (and there is here)... just let go of the fear and open your eyes and you are there (right now, right here)...

wishful thinking?... well you may say that I'm a dreamer, ya know...

and even though I find myself alone again, naturally today... and even though I am regularly reminded that my incorrigible quest for nothing but the truth, the whole truth, and what is under the surface of what our conscious mind perceives as the truth is more than anyone wants to explore with another person (or even, I suspect, by themselves)... and even though the facts of life with humans are very discouraging when I seek intimacy on levels of awareness that I live... I still believe, because I want to believe, that humans exist in this world today who dare to cast off all facades and can stand, no, thrive on the vulnerability, catharsis, and growth that comes from total exposure and shared inspection with another allowed to be completely open and honest... and someday, somewhere, someone will not run away from closer inspection, but rather welcome it with the same excitement and hope that I do...

won't someone stay awake with me
... ... ...
won't someone stay and sing with me
... ... ...
won't someone rise the the occasions
even against their conscious will
just because there's an instinct
tha's better than a thrill
not to hide the elation
to feel every sensation
now wishing for adoration

love me
love me
la la la


there might have been more to this entry if there was more time and less distractions, but I ran out of mind (or something like that)...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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.

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.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

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AND WHATDYA MISS?
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