for more than a year I felt what might have been a compulsion to fill in each date with an entry even if I was not uploading an entry every day... because I was writing every day... because I wanted you to find an entry for each day... because I told myself it mattered... as if this obscure bit of cyber bytes are vital to the continued development and evolution of the human race... but we all know that my egocentric delusions of grandeur can be overfed sometimes...

maybe that's why I took a break (or was I just trying to see who cared?)...

and yet, for a few of you, I do matter and that sometimes amazes me when I come down off my self-made pedestal and feel the smallness of this one brief human life I attempt to live (kind of like George in Dead Like Me, though I imagine, instead of a toilet seat, it'll simply be a lump of waste from a plane's toilet that did not defrost on the way down)... and maybe the pendulum swings to excessive modesty sometimes... maybe it's some deep core scars or just the acceptance of my experience in this life from birth... maybe it is just a perspective that balances on clarity... but I am truly humbled when I believe I matter to anyone in this world...

seriously...

in daily life, I can accept that, at least for the moment, I matter to Precious and Rasputin... I can see and feel that she looks to me for support, guidance, advice, money, and extra parenting that she sometimes longs for and sometimes just wants to rebel against... I can feel that he trusts and depends on me to look out for her as he's gone a lot because he works a lot because she, like most spoiled teenage girls, is expensive... but my experience with family has shown me that even blood bonds are a transient thing (though I am told by some that family is forever and I'd dearly love to believe it, I have only proof to the contrary in this life)... so I can believe that I matter for the moment and then, who knows...

I wonder how many humans have had as alien and separate an experience in this life as I've had... and I wonder how much of my detached experience was my choice and how much was the circumstances beyond my control... and I wonder why... what can I give to you or anyone from my experience that might be of some value... and if it matters...

and I know I can bond and form an attachment profound and strong enough so that keeping it can be worth more to me than my life... so I doubt it was any sort of failure to bond deprivation as an infant, but then, psychobabble can make anything sound reasonable... and yet...

I think a singular difference I experience is the feeling, the energy, the sharing I know when I write in my way, I am with you... my experience, unique or not, offers little to no differentiation between my bonds with others... this is sad, in a way, as I can detach from those closest to me in the physical world and from this life itself to the point of feeling an objectivity that one might feel when observing another species or even when reading a fictional account of events and history... it is knowing that this life is temporary, that at any moment I or any one of us could be gone and as far as we know right now, gone forever, that allows me to remove the drama and seriousness from any experience... and I mean any experience, from the death of a parent or child to war atrocities to an attempt at genocide...

simply, it is a matter of being aware of and experiencing the bigger picture, the relative infinity and eternity of the universe(s)...

in the same vein then, I can feel so much more in the immediate moment and beyond, from the experience of the smallest change in energy flow � an insect sharing the air in the room with me, a leaf breathing - to the changes in ecosystems over eons... I feel the energy, the oneness of everything, around me and within me and I can choose to translate it into personal emotion or choose to intellectualize it as pure information... not to suggest that I have anywhere near perfect, or even good control over myself and my senses all the time, but I do have the awareness and knowledge that I can choose anytime...

if this makes any sense to you and you can accept, if not understand or experience this life as I do, then you know I am always with you... and to feel the connection more personally all we have to do is want to... acknowledging it helps a lot, so here I am doing that, acknowledging you... and I encourage you to acknowledge those who matter to you, for it feels good to know...

thank you for being here with me...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)