after writing the following entry (that's following, not previous entry, right?) I realized that it is, as Smash would say, bullocks... sort of... mostly... at least I think it is, because I am still not exactly sure what bullocks is, but it's blah and wishy washy and while not bullshit, because it is truth, it is still crap... on occasion, the hindquarters of a large mammal comes to mind when I see the word (bullocks)... but be that as it may or may not be, whether the meaning is more pertaining to a comparative analysis of the material that comes out of such quarters or to the general head-up-it reference I may tend to present from time to time, I am also not certain, however it would seem that I am not providing much in the way of Earth shattering news in this entry...

what?... no deep thoughts about life, the universe, and everything?...

yeah, well, in other words, this entry is for you die-hards who really want to know me by my aimless ramblings that come when I am way past fatigued and well nigh on to sleep-deprived oblivion... so I'll take this opportunity to point out the last few entries that are linked just there on the right under the what did you miss? heading for more astute or intellectual or worthwhile reading...

especially if you are or are not into spirituality or religion at all...

sandwiched between you might find a taste of the actual life in black and white behind the candoor that has recently been moved over to the RealTime� blog, also linked just over there on the right... and several rhymes have been written (and still more pulled out of mothballs) recently and if you are into rhymes, I think a few are rather well done... as with babbling, I figure if I just let the words continue flowing (or rhyming) then something worthwhile is bound to turn up sooner or later... laws of probability and all...

anyway, this introduction is now over and it's time for the entry...

well whatdya know, I hardly get any sleep and sit down here at work hungry and bleary eyed and distracted by Elpien's return from a two week vacation and a call to Bert who's driving up to the opposite corner of the country to get a car and the dog to Berry who now lives there (Bert to follow in a couple of months when the lease down here expires) and a call from Berry who asked about another co-worker (who is often rude to me and to the kids, but that's besides the point) who had a challenging pregnancy but has given birth (C-section a month early) and the baby is doing well and I feel odd about not giving a gift, but the woman is just so disrespectful to me so often I do my best to avoid her and let her baby shower slip by without going out of my way to shop and leave something (as Elpien did)...

I don't like avoiding someone, but then, I don't actually work with her and whenever we interact at shift change she is disrespectful enough (often in front of the kids) for me to formally ask our supervisor to formally tell her to stop or I'll file harassment charges... that usually stops the rudeness for a few weeks, but it doesn't go away... our supervisor tells me he's spoken to her and she can't explain why she does it, but then, she's disrespectful and insulting to the patients and other staff as well... why the facility tolerates it is beyond me, but management has always been the three monkey policy (see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil)...

and maybe it's that combination of influences and emotions that lead me to turn to rhymes first tonight and not just rhymes, especially missing Berry and realizing Bert is moving 3500 miles away really soon too... but story rhymes (and perhaps that's just the change of pace you need after a zillion self-directed introspective narcissistic memory-driven me me me and my desires and hopes and wishes and dreams entries... oh wait, isn't this just another one of those anyway?)...

yeah, well, I used to write fiction and fantasy rhymes a lot, once upon a time...

not to surprise you or anything, but some of the stories do get just as sappy and emotional as my personal writings and I love the catharsis when the words come together to inspire chills and tears and the second one I wrote did just that... the first one has more cynicism to it, less forgiveness... maybe it sucks... the second one, well, whatever anybody thinks, I love it at the moment...

and the saddest real world realization that comes from this night (so far) is that I have no one to rush over to (or call) to share the words... and no concrete inspiration outside of myself (and your words online) to continue the creative process tonight or anytime these days... it's not as if I think my writing is so good, it's a matter of feeling the feelings as they are inspired and sharing the feelings and building on them... it's not easy being a mushy gushy sappy sentimental lesbian cartoon character in a human man's body, after all...

everybody just seems to want to be so cool or even flippant about emotions these days.... I'm the kind who dives in a drowns in emotions, but I don't drown because I live and breath them... like I'm Aquaman in an emotional ocean with emotion-gills or something... or more likely I'm part mermaid... not the evil sea nymph type, but the soft dreamy type...

anybody following any of this?...

well, if you're laughing and still seeing the serious thread of hopeful introduction within the words, then perhaps you really do understand a bit about the me behind the candoor behind the words... or behind the words behind the candoor, if that sounds better... was that flippant?... I wonder if you can see past the silliness and irreverence to find the vulnerability... I'll dance naked right here telling you about it, after all, while simultaneously planting the seeds of doubt in the veracity of the exposure, like is it a body suit or really skin, just cuz I can, cuz it's fun, cuz I'm afraid of what might happen if I stopped dancing all by myself out here alone on my own...

what?...

meanwhile, back at the ant farm... I am itchy... it is probably over-fatigue and a reaction to the obscene amounts of caffeine I've poured into this body in the past forty eight hours (and general lack of healthy exercise or eating habits for months now)... I do have two pimple-like things on my left arm that seemed to pop up overnight and were popped before I notice them... but most of all, I think I am paranoid because one of the new kids on the unit has an antibiotic resistant infection that has everyone quite panicky around here...

I want to soak in a steamy hot shower and sleep for two days...

unfortunately, that much sleep isn't on the schedule for the foreseeable future and the hot water pressure, temperature, and quantity at my apartment is not nearly where I'd like it to be (most hot shower loving northerners find Florida water pressure and water heater sizes very disappointing)... but I hope to motivate myself into the shower before conking out in the big green chair when I get home...

I used to shower more than once a day, on average, because I love water and steamy hot showers and I used to work out regularly... for many years I showered more than twice a day... wake, shower, work, shower, workout, shower, sex, shower, yup, those were the days... even better during the years that work was eliminated from the equation and replaced by more sex...

it's so different today...

did I say I was not introspecting and sharing personal intimate information tonight?... ummmm, well, in the rhymes I was creative... I'm too tired to be creative here in the babbling prose... it takes too much thought, I think... in rhymes, there's no thought (minimal) and all feeling (mostly)... my mind is happiest when lost in a stream of rhymes...

sometimes it even makes sense or tells a cohesive story...

anyway, this body was so much easier to maintain when it was younger... skin blemishes (mostly the pooling of melanin due to staying out of the sun so much after baking in it for hours and hours as a child and teen and some of them rise like teeny tiny mushrooms on my neck and back) that were an extremely rare occurrence in my younger years are more common now... heck, I even get some zits now and hardly ever got them as a teen... and muscle tone... it goes away so much faster now than it did (of course I exercise a lot less than I used to, but we've beaten the lazy dead horse enough to prove that beating it does not get it to run, haven't we?)...

I'm whining, aren't I?... I've noticed some spell it with a g or even a gh in the middle somewhere... my dictionary tells me whining is the way to go, but maybe there's a British way to spell it or something like that... but then, I am not so sure if I am whining or complaining or kvetching or something else entirely... and does it matter what we call what I am doing, really?... shouldn't I be focusing on what I am doing and not on labeling what I am doing?... I mean, what am I, working in a psychiatric hospital or something?...

who cleared their throat?...

oh, that was me, or one of my astute voices in my head... the strangeness of aging, coupled by the imminent increase in the already massive loneliness, combined with the frustration with my own self-care and the reactions others present, immersed in the gelatin bath of stagnant self-pity tears, swallowed by the stupid human frailty monster forged by ages of spiritual and physical repression in order to promote and masturbate religious dogma compounded by the materially addicted culture demanding most of a life time for a chance to basically survive, among other things, must be to blame... cuz it couldn't be guilt or shame or anything so mundane...

but are guilt and shame really mundane?...

Inigo Montoya speaks in my mind about dictionaries and meanings... and my palm itches... the additives in Lipton tea could be effecting the skin sensitivities I am experiencing tonight... or maybe it's just my overactive imagination that should have been kept in rhymes and not brought into semi-conscious prose, especially not reflecting on the life in back and white around me because I am not sitting naked and free in comfort and splendor or even at completely relaxed home, but rather, I am sitting in an uncomfortable chair at work, hungry, tired, and grungy because I skipped my shower yesterday in order to get a bit more sleep...

moments like these I just want to cuddle up with someone (after a steamy hot shower) who knows how to cuddle up with me, but then, I wonder if I remember how (how many years before one forgets how to be comfortable in their own body sharing intimate space with another in their body?... I see so many uncomfortable in their own bodies and I wonder how much like them I have become... the comfort and energy levels mean so much and so few let this awareness flow through their consciousness when discomfort rises... I really must get back to the gym and trail and stop the madness in the kitchen)...

did you ever try Dove's Milk Chocolate Hazel Nut and Praline Ice Cream?... I have some in my freezer at home... I was hungry when I first got to work and have eaten nothing here so it's been seven hours and I am dreaming of Chalupas and... I am just such an instinctive rebel, aren't I?... yeah, tell me to diet and I'll pig out... but then, I am not that predictable in the real world... rebel child and a blithering idiot too, mustn't forget that, especially when I am awake way beyond the call of any sort of good sense or wisdom...

so as the housekeeping staff come bustling in (and I mean bustling... loud every morning even as they are reminded it's still an hour or more before wake up time for the kids), it is time for me to give up the last hour of writing time because I do not have enough synapses firing to concentrate in this environment and still use body language and presence to keep the noise level down... of course I only gave the place about three hours of work today, so I'm not complaining... I just wish there was a more professional and patient-care oriented atmosphere here cuz, after all, it is a hospital... and as serious as it gets, I remain amused... is that a sign of sociopathic tendencies?...

good morning and may you love your day (and yourself too)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)