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2004-10-09 - 5:59 a.m. this week was crazy crazy this week was crazy crazy... not even enough time to write a proper entry... so the last bunch of entries that are this weeks entries are scraps of thoughts I jotted down during the week here or there and then I sat down here yesterday when the work week was finally over and pasted the pieces together and elaborated slightly and there you have the last four entries... I started an email response sometime during the week... maybe last weekend (yeah, I think it was last weekend)... and then there was the email I wrote the week before (or was that the week before that?... well, a while back and then there was last month, or rather the month before... actually I've been writing about one email a month in the last few months and that's picking up the pace from the first half of the year... horrible correspondence rate, huh?... am I afraid of getting close? {heck, all I keep hoping for is the right person to walk up to me and get close}... or am I afraid that something might come out in personal mail that does not come out here? {whatever that might be must be buried deeper than my consciousness can find cuz I ramble on about anything that I find in my mind}... or am I afraid of the amazing writing I might do if I focused my brain and started believing in myself again {oh sure, my talents are limitless and I have to keep pushing away the Pulitzer people and Nobel committee}... or is it the feelings I could feel and express that might be reciprocated or rejected that I do not want to dig into or reveal {what?}... oh maybe it's all meaningless anyway)... anyway, there's some email writing that calls for me to remember it (and wherever it was going) and yet I have not had time to read what I wrote, no less see what revealing babble (or goody, secrets?) might be included here (or somewhere) for you to read, no less continue to respond to other emails waiting... yet I love you for writing, I do, so much... and then there are the older emails and the diaries I love to read but don't have time to read... I am torn between losing myself in words online and getting out of the house and finding life in the flesh... most days it's life in the flesh that has most of my attention, but not the intimacy I crave, rather the daily grind of working and simple socializing... the shared spiritual turn on is missing (not to mention the physical, sexual, and emotional)... in so many ways, especially the deep down understanding ways that matter most, I relate more to animals and flowers and trees than I do to the people I meet each day... boring... I wish I had something more interesting to relate you you but this same dull drivel is all I seem to find in my minds these days (or at least at the moment)... so instead, go visit some of the favorite people I visit when I want to find something more interesting than me to do (read: read, in this case)... just clicking deliberately on favorites and links, here's where I wandered today... did you ever realize that LEXX is quite perverse? (delightfully so... and along those lines {with a mischeivous grin}, I wonder about the some fans)...
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