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2004-10-05 - 5:35 a.m. almost rememberings I went back to sleep (figuratively and literally, though actual physical sleep doesn't last long around here because there's so many things happening (and none of them the most important thing I am looking for)... and then I complete erased today's entry while trying to clear space in my files (arg!... memories)... it was, as is too often the case these days, an in depth instropection into the possible workings of the mind that allegedly contains me (as if anything could for long) and was quite meaningful and cathartic (or would have been, had it survived birth) and this apparently casual introduction (or brief remembrance) is just the aside that allows time to recover and heal)... so let us mourne the moment passing, for a moment or so, and move on now... I spent most of this morning fading in and out of consciousness (where we can still remember dreaming, remember?) focused on responding to another email inspired by a blessed spirit... that is why this entry did not appear this morning (which gave yesterday's entries, which did not appear until this morning, a chance to breath... well, at least the second one... I wonder how many entries are missed due to my uploading one or a dozen at a time)... I know I wrote this elsewhere and uploaded it even, but I wanted to repeat it because I mean it so much I find it choking me if I don't let it out again... it's like I bury myself in rambling about daily life and forget my heart can speak, but the silence screams so loudly once I hear it... you are missed, so dearly missed... I mean it so much, I need to pause... . ...saving myself, there is the segue... (this is the segue) (supposedly lightening up, that is) it was something about sex, or the lack thereof the shared variety (for an abundance of solitary play splatters itself across my days), but sitting around and feeling sorry for myself for being lonely and without a physical partner at the moment just doesn't work for me (there's no satisfaction in it {selfpity} at all beyond a brief selfish wallow... maybe because I never did have the unconditional love and nurturing it's up to you (who me?... oh, maybe you, whomever you may be... Nicole Deboer on the TV has nothing to do with this... nor do any of them (you know, the ones on the list... I'll stop now before I make a mockery of the serious thought in this paragraph... too late?... wait, it might still be salvaged, let's step out of this parentheses and see) and me to get up and do something to fulfill our desires (needs, as you wish)... after all, we're not starfish starfish (huh?)... in construction, just clicking randomly on banners and links, here's where I wandered today...
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