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�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-06 - 11:38 a.m.

conversations lala6


this one was actually written between the two parts of the two part letter because another letter came and it seemed more important to respond to this one than the second part of the two part letter and I did not have time for both that day... but seeing that I am uploading entries without much concern for the dates at the top and time is relative anyway, I figured I'd put the two part letter together and then, here's this one... again, > and indent is what I am responding to*...



wow, rushing sure does add to the typoes (or are they typos?)...

now where were we?... yes, still to respond to the last few paragraphs of the previous email, but here for now... I wrote a few paragraphs at work last night and hopefully will have time to send them tonight... the person who cracks the physics of the time space continuum should be the absolute ruler of the universe (not to mention quite wealthy) because there is, in our current knowledge of the whole shibang, not ever, that is never, I say never ever enough time...

especially for a babbling fool like me...

I shall dive directly into your words now because, for one thing, my candoor at diaryland fan club (all three of them) is missing me and I must continue my egocentric literary assault on the universe in order to maintain balance between the planets and peace on earth (obviously I need help) and besides, I want to respond to you (and not just ramble on introducing me...

> I just read what I wrote yesterday and it was a
> downer. I'm sorry I wasn't more upbeat and
> entertaining. That was not my usual type of email.

and when you're down and troubled and you need a helping hand and nothing, no nothing is going right just close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there to brighten up even the darkest night... ok?

seriously, cry if you want to... I sure do... I have sadness in me (old stuff and new) and sometimes want to lean on a strong shoulder and let go of the reigns (if but for a few moments) and hear someone tell me good things about myself and especially that everything will be alright... please try to believe that you need never apologize to me for just freely sharing yourself...

also... I will do my best (and I sense you do your best too) to not feed into poor-me moments, to focus on the positive and find paths out of sadness (which is often not easy when fatigue is heavy, but is always possible and doable and by dangit, we're just the ones to do it because ain't no body or no thing gonna keep us down for long... not nobody... not no how...

the cowardly lion told me...

so please be amused if I can amuse you and please know above all else that friends must be real and I want us to be friends (true blue to the end, ya know?) and so hopefully you do not feel reprimanded, but reassured now...

believe me, I will, in my way, seek reassurance regularly myself...

deal?...

(please add to and modify any deals as you wish...

>I think maybe I was trying to get all the vitriol about
> past men in my life spewed out so I don't have to talk
> about it anymore. And I won't, unless you ask me a
> direct question. I don't dwell on the past.

and I shall help you, if I can, not dwell on the past and I hope you do the my sone for me... however, the past is what brought us to the present... all we've ever been and done is what makes us who we are right now... if we live full lives and dare to take chances and experience the moments as we live them, we are bound to have a full spectrum of colorful tales to tell... I do... some I am not proud of at all and some I'd like to forget (but forgetting a part of myself is foolish for it diminishes me and leaves me open to make the my sone mistake again)... some I relive in rhymes and songs whenever a boring or dull or lonely moment comes up because memories can be beautiful pauses in the moments of today... so share everything, whatever comes to mind, past experiences, present moments, future dreams and trust I will find you amidst the rainbow (and I will believe you are not lost in the dark blues or worse metaphoric places)...

hopefully this makes sense, reassures you that I understand, and gives us both permission to be as real as we are able (even if we are not at our best, in fact, especially when we are not feeling our best)...

so let's take a close look at the icky side of me today (oh no, did I set myself up for this?... stop laughing... well, I mean, I hope you are laughing and understand I don't really want you to stop and can see through the faux-pouty-child...

what comes to mind first (probably because I am hungry because I have not eaten in at least fifteen hours and am munching on cheese and crackers) is that I eat too much crap food and drag around an extra thirty or forty pounds that I not only really do not need, but undermines who I am on almost every level and I do this mostly because I love the sensuality of my taste buds and because I am lonely (seeking comfort in food) and because I am dumb enough to ignore any health wisdom I might have and put too much of my self-discipline on a shelf too far from the steering wheel of my life to reach it...

digging deeper (accepting that self-analysis might be the stupidest thing anyone can do, uless someone wise and loving and supportive and above all else honest decides they want to help), I think I have some lingering depressive self-destructive guilt trip going on somewhere in the recesses of my bowels, or psyche (I confuse the two for comedic purposes and lightening up sometimes) that tells me I am too stupid to be loved and trusted in an intimate relationship and therefore should not make any effort in being attractive to potential relationship partners... of course I could be wrong too...

I think everybody has some of these self-destructive voices or impulses (why else would alcohol and cigarettes and mostly unnecessary drug additives be among the most popular products and most lucrative businesses in our culture)... and comparatively I probably have hardly any when standing me besides the bell curve of society... but I don't live in the bell curve of society, I live on my own little fringe several standard deviations from the top of the bell... I look at myself and wonder why I do not take better care of this body I live in because I could increase my energy level and productivity and awareness and experience of life and I choose to do the opposite sometimes and then I come up with theories like those in the previous paragraph... maybe that's tough-self-love...

or maybe I just have too much time on my hands for introspection...

but I think I've got a point somewhere in here and I hope to get to it eventually... some self-forgiveness may be in order... and the reassurance of someone I truly unconditionally trust (and I have not known someone like that in many many years, if ever) might help as well, but ultimately this body/life is my house to put in order as I see fit and I'm in relative disarray at the moment (most people tell me that my standards for myself are way too high and I watch them take another drink of poison or amother puff of smoke and wonder what pleasure there is in hurting the body and blocking the conscious mind to the fact that they are committing slow suicide, but I don't usually wonder that aloud...

see, I have faults and flaws and baggage and dumbness and I just want you to know that so you're not surprised when the rose colored glasses of meeting someone you feel great about wears off (my sone goes for me...

and about other men, lay it on the table... the last person I trusted unconditionally (as much as I can) who looked me in the eyes and took my hand and told me she was my friend and "would never do anything like that to you" did exactly what she said she would never do and I was left sleeping in my car and at friends houses without any of my possessions, again, wondering why people lie so well...

that was 2001 and the betrayal and loss was almost nothing compared to the betrayal and loss in the late nineties in Toronto, but it was the first time I tried to really trust someone since the whole end-of-the-world mess and pow, it blew up in my face... in 2002 and 2003 I worked 70-90 hour weeks and wrote and went to the occasional movie, dinner out, show, and did little else... in 2004 I started dragging myself out of the rut, worked less, got to the gym and ran on an outdoor trail almost daily, dropped thirty pounds, rested, felt much better in every way and realized that meeting people is not nearly as easy as it used to be...

the hurricanes smashed the gym and running routine and I've not gotten back to it and that sucks for me because I am better (feel better, do better) when I have more energy and I think what I need to do most for myself is remember that and act upon if (and find healthy active intelligent influences in my life)...

and above all else, a true friend who dares be completely honest because another trusted point of view is essential, I think, for balance in the mind, body, and life... there's a hope I almost fear expressing that I may have found her...

> All that stuff about my kids was background. I
> didn't tell you much about what kind of people they
> are. I think they are all very different from each
> other but extremely special. As they get older they
> become great friends. I have the unique pleasure of
> having adult children and a tiny cutey one at the my sone
> time.

and for me, knowing a person is knowing those closest to them, especially when it comes to knowing a person who is a parent... so please tell me all you want to tell me about your kids because it will let me know you better... still hoping we are to become close, as we become friends, they will come to know me too (and I hope they like me)...

I think I am addicted to chocolate because my grandmother, who I lived with for a few years, always had hershey's kisses on her table and several times a day ran after me with a glass of chocolate milk (because she was afraid I was not eating enough... I was a very skinny child for a while)... and as I chuckle, I also realize that the food-lust I mentioned earlier in this email probably came from those first five years living with that wonderful woman...

> What kinds of things do you like to do? Besides
> listening to music and writing?

here's a shortcut (cheating, huh?)... activities (that page has not been updated in a couple of years {probably should look at it and see how accurate it is, huh?}... well, when time permits)...

besides writing and music (first and second for sure)...

I love water and sunshine, so I love to be outdoors in Florida... I love movies, especially cathartic emotional uplifting stories... Hook and The Princess Bride come to mind as favorites... I love Robin Williams... and Meg Ryan... I also like most Schwartznegger type films... and Monty Python comedy... and old comedy like the Marx Brothers... I love trivia pursuit and cards and other table games... I love learning... I love food and cooking and experimenting in the kitchen... I love shopping... I love the theme parks and anywhere happy people gather to be amused or amazed... I love exploring... I love the quiet stillness of night ourdoors far from civilization... I love live music, live theatre... I love to sing... I love exercise, serious and/or just for fun... I love sci-fi stories, especially when they teach me something or have a serious social message (that is not preachy or totally obvious)... I love the chemicals my brain produces when I use a little sleep deprivation to stimulate it... I love photography... I love many other things, some I'd be surprised I left out, but most of all I love to love and be loved, to be around friendly people and share creativity, meaningful or silly, and to share life with friends, especially sharing everything with a true friend...

>I can listen to about
> anything but if you asked me what I really like it
> would be alternative/metal. I have been to EarthDay
> Birthday in Orlando the last four years.

can I come this year?... errr, next year?...

>I saw
> Marilyn Manson on your wish list. I really like his
> new stuff. I like Shinedown, Linkin Park, Godsmack,
> etc. My daughter likes punk and I enjoy most of that, but
> I can't tell which band is which. They are all very
> similar. I really liked The Antics at our festival
> and I got both of their CDs; I think we will
> become a fan.

I semi-reluctantly visit the library every month and take out many CDs in my ongloing attempt to have every CD ever created (this obsession started with vynil and there are many thousands of vynil records boxed very carefully in storage {along with tens of thousands of books, magazines, toys and games, and other stuff} just south of Lake Ontario, just east of the Niagara River... I intend to get that stuff out of storage someday... hey, your baby would love some of the toys... there's some incentive to figuring out how to get the stuff down here...

> I like to do almost everything. My background is
> Kansas redneck (as opposed to vicious Southern
> anti-everything redneck).

omigosh, you are Dorothy (laughing I hope)...

>But I have always read a
> lot and I am overeducated, so I am a fairly liberal
> Democrat. I also have a very good job so I get to
> enjoy some higher class stuff. I like everything from
> slaw wrestling during Bike Week to the London Symphony
> Orchestra (which by the way is coming to Daytona this
> year). There are some things I really love, like the
> Fall Country Jamboree at Pioneer Settlement (old timey
> stuff and art/craft stuff), the Greek Festival in
> Daytona, reading, travelling, teaching the kids
> stuff,... And then there are all kinds of things that
> we do just because I like to always be up to something
> and it's good to be well rounded, like art festivals,
> Philip's music shows, hiking, Orlando stuff, eating at
> weird places, ... I really love roller coasters and
> bungee jumping and scary things. I was a skydiver for
> a short time. I quit because it upset my mother so
> much and finally I decided it wasn't a good idea since
> I have dependents. When I first tried it I wasn't very
> scared but it got scarier as I went along. I don't
> understand that, but maybe it was an omen.

I am so jealous I am drooling (in my mind)...

so much stuff I did not know existed... even if you decide I am not really true friend material, please keep in touch and let me know when what is happening because I am bound and determined to kick the hermit habit and explore this world of Florida more (even if it must be all by myself)...

I always wanted to skydive... maybe you instinctively realized that the odds go up for a mistake every time you do anything and a mistake in skydiving is deadly... I love roller coasters... I went on Kracken at Sea World several dozen times the day it opened (before it opened to the public)... eating at weird places?... please, please, can I come too?...

my time is running out again tonight but there is nothing on your list that I would not love to explore (if I haven't already)... I might bow out of the really expensive stuff (I'm not threatened by the inconvenience of the difference in our incomes, but I don't expect you to support any expensive habits like concerts or shows or opera or such that I may have or like to have...

this getting to know you is getting more exciting all the time...

(just let me know when I get too excited, ok?)...

> All this writing is very concrete. All of your
> writing is very ethereal and deep and emotional.

and I thought all I did was babble...

thank you, I think... getting to know you type writing must be concrete and you do it much better than I do... at least, you're must more time-effective... my brain wanders off on tangents and might provide the details I wish to provide, but it may take several paragraphs and get confusing in the process... I hope you don't mind that too much (cuz I love my writing process)...

> Maybe it is because almost all of the writing I do
> (actually dictating) is technical and exact. If I was
> talking to you I would not seem so shallow.

not shallow, concise... concise is really the best way to get to know someone because it cuts through the frills and bells and whistles and rose colored glasses and distractions (all my babbling, huh?)...

and I look forward to talking to you... a lot...

when is a good time? (and the writer panics wondering if there'll ever be enough time to write my rambling journals to the world ever again... the writer is a rather over-dramatic sort, rather connected to ego, in case you didn't notice yet)...

I work 11pm-8am Sunday-Thurday, though this week I'm working Friday and Saturday nights too... if you're up late on Friday or Saturday you can call me at work, though my cell phone doesn't always work there and we're not supposed to be on the phone for personal calls (so not very long)... and whanever you say is a good time for you I will call if you want... I sleep whenever (I arrange my sleep time around whatever comes up in life and I'd happily give up sleep for you)...

>I do
> think all the time and there are quite a few people at
> work who seek me out when they have problems because I
> am a good listener. My second choice in medicine was
> to become a psychiatrist.

I've always been told that I need a good psychiatrist...

>I didn't do it because 1) I
> thought I would get too involved with my patient's, I
> don't always have good boundaries,

boundaries are one of the most challenging aspects of my work, maybe the most challenging... it was easier in emergency care because the people passed through so quickly, the trauma and emotional weight seldom had enough time to really take hold... in the eighties I worked with MR (mentally retarded) populations, three years managing an intermediate care facility where multiply handicapped profound MR adults lived and learned whatever they could (holding a spoon might have been an annual goal for a few years for some)... that was emotionally draining and after 14 years I took a vacation (we come to the nineties when I moved to Florida from NYC and bought the house and relaxed and danced and ran and loved a life of leisure for a few years)...

working with behaviorally aggressive or self-abusive, somewhat psychotic, definitely neglected or abused teenage girls every day is a definite challenge to boundaries as what they want most is a hug (physically and/or emotionally) and they either are aggressively afraid to trust or have no boundaries themselves... as for burn out, when I felt it approaching in the late eighties I prepared for a long vacation and change of activity... I'll do the my sone this decade if I feel it approaching... so far, no approach, though working nights and having limited contact (an hour or few a day) does have it's benefits there...

>and 2) I'm not sure
> psychiatrists help people that much. They listen for
> a short time and prescribe drugs. Psychologists do
> the real therapy.

yup... I won't get started on a rant about modern pill-popping medicine just now...

>I ended up in Pathology because I
> value my life outside of work (the hours are
> manageable), and I don't have to know the actual
> people with the horrible diseases. I do some biopsies
> and it seems like the nicest patient's are the ones
> with the worst problems. I think I would be good with
> sick and/or dying patient's but I don't want to
> volunteer for the daily heartache.

I undertand this well... I am fascinated by pathology (not just because Quincy was a favorite show as a kid and CSI is one of Precious's favorite now)...

Precious is Rasputin's 16 year old daughter... she wants to study forensic science (small world) and would probably be in awe of you (want a groupie?)...

once again I've got to pause... I now have two letters to finish... tonight, at work, I hope to do a little writing... and tomorrow, I hope to finish... I have not planned to finish much of anything in years, so you are already an excellent influence...

remember, love the typos and I hope your night is smiling much more than frowning...


* yes, if you noticed, it does appear that the two correspondents have different writing styles... I respond directly to words written right below the words I received and I hope for a direct response to my words and my questions... and we can't always get what we want...






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