LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

Candoor: Blogmad? It's better than ever! Get more visitors (or find me in chat there). Register now and tell me for extra credits. VARB?


JOIN OR RE-REGISTER NOW

welcome blogmadians... and the rest of you, while still in beta, you can still join the latest greatest party on the web, blogmad!

SUPPORT BLOGMAD! BUY STUFF



o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-16 - 12:06 p.m.

conversations lala16


sleepless

as in sleepwriting, aka Planet Candora, but also a state of being (mind) that I currently inhabit (or perhaps it inhibits {I think that was supposed to be inhabits, ha} me) induced by staying awake all day 1. doing some fantasy baseball managing and 2. listening to my roommate discuss his plans now that he's suddenly out of work with no savings to fall back on and 3. listening to my other roommate ask me (amidst excited squirmings) about where to go on a first date because she asked a boy out and he said yes and 4. wanting to wake up early enough to call you with a little talk time left before I work again tonight...

how do I be a friend
I've almost forgotten
I know some beautiful fruits
may hide what is rotten
I don't ever want to pretend
or give in to the easy way out
if answers can be found in words
then that's what this is all about

I write to express myself
I write to understand me
I write to give you the chance
to experience
all I can see
inside of me

I write to undress myself
I write to give me to you
here in the words
between depths and absurds
there is a clue
to what is true

and maybe I drank too much Dr. Seuss
when I was a baby in mind
for imprinted upon my psyche-caboose
are rhymes, many rhymes you will find
my brain thinks in rhythms and patterns in words
my heart feels in melodies
maybe it is poetry for geeks and nerds
but it's food for the muses in mees
yes, I think there may be more than one me
in mees
(of course mostly I do it for fun
ah, his eyes open, his mind sees)


that reference to an episode of ST:NG was completely unplanned, but then, that is how it goes here in my mind... and you are welcome to explore as this is a written communication specifically to you (even though it may someday appear in a public forum for anyone to feel as personally as they might like to feel, but that's another story for a different color of four legged anima, or something like that)...

so how do I be a friend
that is most important
I can not think of a good word
that rhymes with important
but sincere I am to express
the truths I find inside
when there is no fear to confess
anything we might hide
from the world due to fear
or confusion or weakness or pride
then we can begin to be something
that can not be denied
and we can not deny
that is how to be a friend
I think
no lie


I think I have had unsuccessful relationships (deemed unsuccessful in that I had hoped them to be permanent) because I refuse to lie or pretend even a little about how I feel or what I sense and I do a poor job of hiding what I sense or feel (because hiding is not me and I want to be me)...

it sucks to be me sometimes when I do not want to be lonely...

I should be laughing (a Patty Smyth song comes to mind)... or is that a Tanya Tucker song weaving in behind it from her Can't Hide From Yourself CD... could be many suddenly flood my mind... right up to Harry Chapin's Laugh Man... and Stop Singing Those Sad Songs...

music is my life... songs are my friends (here's an old Helen Reddy song in there, though it was written by someone else I think)...

lies of omission
form walls of silence
and we don't want any of those
so let's make a pact
to be honest, exact
and precise so that everyone knows
just how we feel
so we share what is real
and not any pretense that can burn
like very dry kindling
with potential dwindling
let's nurture each other in turn
with truth, honest love
there is nothing above
the feeling unconditional brings
so you can be yourself
hide nothing on your shelf
I want to hear your soul sing
(I want to heart your soul sing)


and you may say that I'm a dreamer... I sure hope I'm not the only one now that John is not creating any more... be honest... be gentle... be kind...

and I believe the whole truth is much kinder than any lies or pretense so I strive to live truth, that is the me I want to be, and I have some sort of sense when the discomfort of hidden feelings are around me... I hope you don't mind ... too much (sometimes a smile may emerge?)...

there is usually a smile within most of my words unless I specifically say in the words that I am not smiling... I do not smiley-face every line because that might grow monotonous and distract from the meaning I am trying to find and put into the words... but feel free to imagine sincere and loving smiles even when I am on the verge of confusing or teasing (cuz sincere and loving smiles are what I offer most)...

I used to be much better at this than I am now... or so I was told...

and sometimes I think I have room for just one true love in me and that was once in love with Amy (as the song goes), but I tried to believe (and believe I believed) several others could have been as loves as true if only they would have believed in true love as I do (if only you believe as I believe, in miracles... yes, and Billy Joel too)... but each one wanted Amy out of my heart before they would commit to complete commitment to me and I pondered how they could wipe any true love from their heart as they were asking me to do from mine and if they could, how could they be trusted with mine... for I believe true love has no end and can not be wiped from a heart like chalk washed from a blackboard or sidewalk...

. o O ( true love is no sidewalk drawing ) O o .


so now there are many who live in my heart which makes finding someone who can understand and accept and share true love as I see it much more challenging in this world where people tend to seem to appear to be able to turn their true love on and off like they might do with a light switch or trigger, even...

there's a garden of ones dedicated to these few (who may be many) who have permanent rooms, or gardens, in my heart... it takes time to grow such a place and in time, I would like you to feel you have one...

I must leave for work in about two hours... I must shower and shave and feed the body and one of these days, picking up dirty clothes, unpacking, and doing laundry might be nice... alas, if I knew I was not going to sleep today, I might have thought to use the washer/dryer... life chores are mundane, but necessary... and laundry in particular reminds me of Toronto and still I avoid the profound fun it once was for it is not anymore... like the phone... and email...

did you ever shed a tear folding baby clothes because you were so happy to have a baby to call your own and care for? (ah, sweet secret pleasures)...

people who come close to me always tell me that me I am too sensitive... too intense... too honest... to real... too much to handle... they seem to like me, even love me, in small doses... life is lonely, being me...

I did try very hard for many years to turn it off... to feel less... to sense less... to be very wrong... to lose faith and trust in myself... and I may have come precariously close to that edge in recent years...

I did it to stop feeling the loss of Amy, at first... and then to stop feeling the losses and lies and everyday insensitivities that people live and do to each other all the time everywhere... it never worked...

so I learned to be silent about it in crowds, mostly, because people are generally put off by one who quests for the whole truth just as few truly hold a mirror up to themselves when they are truly naked on any level... but I will not be silent in intimacy... there, to me, is when completely open honesty is most important... and so I share intimacy rarely...

I crave and thrive on closer inspection... I takes things apart to try to figure out how they work... myself included... and the closer anything comes to me, people included, the more I want to take apart the facades and defenses and packaging and get to the real inner workings to find out what really makes them tick and hiccup and burp and fart and feel beautiful or ugly or happy or sad or peaceful or angry or anything they dare feel (and how much) because I want to know and feel and share everything to every extreme (and who dares go that far)...

I am a child who does not want fear to get in the way of the best and most exciting and most wonderful (and at times, most scary) ride this life can be... as harmless as possible, but as real as possible as well...

and I see the fear in people's eyes and faces... I believe we each have a level of fear we tolerate and that is part of what sets the chemical attractions we call lust and passion and all that jazz...

I'm full of theories (and readily mock myself)...

and often live by them (even as I mock)...

so I should shower now so I can call* and say hello and be the friend I want to be... friends first, for nothing else matters without the honesty friendship is based upon... let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start... and on that song reference... to the showers with me)...

share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow,
honest love, ric
getting to know me
407-325-1482

Planet Candora
Garden of Ones
Some lyrics of the soundtrack of my life (though so many mixed tapes were kept in Toronto, lyrical parts of me now lost to me)...
lyrocks
lyrics
music

The Main Gate
The Written Gardens
The Back Door
(mostly biographical)
The Window
(long overdue for an update)
The Want List
(not updated in years, but still mostly most important)**


and there's a start of a very long and winding road, but a very effective way of finding the clues and mysteries and secrets that are me... the second step is to ask for clarification of anything of specific interest or curiosity or importance to you... baby steps to the door (What About Bob?)... so many references... so many lost along the way...




* alas, after all the hopeful words and mutual statements about being friends, she chose not to answer her phone and instead, replied thusly:

I have been thinking a lot about things in the last couple of days. I want to be really honest, too. .... (just a few lines omitted cuz they might be an intrusion on her privacy) .... I am looking for someone for companionship and yes, sex. All I require is that they not be too emotionally messed up. Actually, at this point, casual sex without a lot of other baggage seems better to me. Therefore, I think we can be friends but not more. I have a lot of commitments coming up in the next 6 weeks anyway.




** I don't know if she ever read any of my writings or if she did, I don't know if she took anything as deeply as I meant it... she seemed to miss or overlook my wantlist, especially... ironically, she one of the things she asked me to read was a passage called Vincent and Theo on AOL from a book called Naked Pictures of Famous People by Jon Stewart... clue?***



*** ah, but true friends do not usually happen overnight and perhaps we shall laugh about all this as we grow old as true friends someday...

there is always hope, so there J






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there