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2005-06-16 - 12:06 p.m. conversations lala16 sleepless
I've almost forgotten I know some beautiful fruits may hide what is rotten I don't ever want to pretend or give in to the easy way out if answers can be found in words then that's what this is all about I write to express myself I write to understand me I write to give you the chance to experience all I can see inside of me I write to undress myself I write to give me to you here in the words between depths and absurds there is a clue to what is true and maybe I drank too much Dr. Seuss when I was a baby in mind for imprinted upon my psyche-caboose are rhymes, many rhymes you will find my brain thinks in rhythms and patterns in words my heart feels in melodies maybe it is poetry for geeks and nerds but it's food for the muses in mees yes, I think there may be more than one me in mees (of course mostly I do it for fun ah, his eyes open, his mind sees) that reference to an episode of ST:NG was completely unplanned, but then, that is how it goes here in my mind... and you are welcome to explore as this is a written communication specifically to you (even though it may someday appear in a public forum for anyone to feel as personally as they might like to feel, but that's another story for a different color of four legged anima, or something like that)... that is most important I can not think of a good word that rhymes with important but sincere I am to express the truths I find inside when there is no fear to confess anything we might hide from the world due to fear or confusion or weakness or pride then we can begin to be something that can not be denied and we can not deny that is how to be a friend I think no lie I think I have had unsuccessful relationships (deemed unsuccessful in that I had hoped them to be permanent) because I refuse to lie or pretend even a little about how I feel or what I sense and I do a poor job of hiding what I sense or feel (because hiding is not me and I want to be me)... it sucks to be me sometimes when I do not want to be lonely... I should be laughing (a Patty Smyth song comes to mind)... or is that a Tanya Tucker song weaving in behind it from her Can't Hide From Yourself CD... could be many suddenly flood my mind... right up to Harry Chapin's Laugh Man... and Stop Singing Those Sad Songs... music is my life... songs are my friends (here's an old Helen Reddy song in there, though it was written by someone else I think)... form walls of silence and we don't want any of those so let's make a pact to be honest, exact and precise so that everyone knows just how we feel so we share what is real and not any pretense that can burn like very dry kindling with potential dwindling let's nurture each other in turn with truth, honest love there is nothing above the feeling unconditional brings so you can be yourself hide nothing on your shelf I want to hear your soul sing (I want to heart your soul sing) and you may say that I'm a dreamer... I sure hope I'm not the only one now that John is not creating any more... be honest... be gentle... be kind... and I believe the whole truth is much kinder than any lies or pretense so I strive to live truth, that is the me I want to be, and I have some sort of sense when the discomfort of hidden feelings are around me... I hope you don't mind ... too much (sometimes a smile may emerge?)... there is usually a smile within most of my words unless I specifically say in the words that I am not smiling... I do not smiley-face every line because that might grow monotonous and distract from the meaning I am trying to find and put into the words... but feel free to imagine sincere and loving smiles even when I am on the verge of confusing or teasing (cuz sincere and loving smiles are what I offer most)... I used to be much better at this than I am now... or so I was told... and sometimes I think I have room for just one true love in me and that was once in love with Amy (as the song goes), but I tried to believe (and believe I believed) several others could have been as loves as true if only they would have believed in true love as I do (if only you believe as I believe, in miracles... yes, and Billy Joel too)... but each one wanted Amy out of my heart before they would commit to complete commitment to me and I pondered how they could wipe any true love from their heart as they were asking me to do from mine and if they could, how could they be trusted with mine... for I believe true love has no end and can not be wiped from a heart like chalk washed from a blackboard or sidewalk... so now there are many who live in my heart which makes finding someone who can understand and accept and share true love as I see it much more challenging in this world where people tend to seem to appear to be able to turn their true love on and off like they might do with a light switch or trigger, even... there's a garden of ones dedicated to these few (who may be many) who have permanent rooms, or gardens, in my heart... it takes time to grow such a place and in time, I would like you to feel you have one... I must leave for work in about two hours... I must shower and shave and feed the body and one of these days, picking up dirty clothes, unpacking, and doing laundry might be nice... alas, if I knew I was not going to sleep today, I might have thought to use the washer/dryer... life chores are mundane, but necessary... and laundry in particular reminds me of Toronto and still I avoid the profound fun it once was for it is not anymore... like the phone... and email... did you ever shed a tear folding baby clothes because you were so happy to have a baby to call your own and care for? (ah, sweet secret pleasures)... people who come close to me always tell me that me I am too sensitive... too intense... too honest... to real... too much to handle... they seem to like me, even love me, in small doses... life is lonely, being me... I did try very hard for many years to turn it off... to feel less... to sense less... to be very wrong... to lose faith and trust in myself... and I may have come precariously close to that edge in recent years... I did it to stop feeling the loss of Amy, at first... and then to stop feeling the losses and lies and everyday insensitivities that people live and do to each other all the time everywhere... it never worked... so I learned to be silent about it in crowds, mostly, because people are generally put off by one who quests for the whole truth just as few truly hold a mirror up to themselves when they are truly naked on any level... but I will not be silent in intimacy... there, to me, is when completely open honesty is most important... and so I share intimacy rarely... I crave and thrive on closer inspection... I takes things apart to try to figure out how they work... myself included... and the closer anything comes to me, people included, the more I want to take apart the facades and defenses and packaging and get to the real inner workings to find out what really makes them tick and hiccup and burp and fart and feel beautiful or ugly or happy or sad or peaceful or angry or anything they dare feel (and how much) because I want to know and feel and share everything to every extreme (and who dares go that far)... I am a child who does not want fear to get in the way of the best and most exciting and most wonderful (and at times, most scary) ride this life can be... as harmless as possible, but as real as possible as well... and I see the fear in people's eyes and faces... I believe we each have a level of fear we tolerate and that is part of what sets the chemical attractions we call lust and passion and all that jazz... I'm full of theories (and readily mock myself)... and often live by them (even as I mock)... so I should shower now so I can call* and say hello and be the friend I want to be... friends first, for nothing else matters without the honesty friendship is based upon... let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start... and on that song reference... to the showers with me)... share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow, honest love, ric getting to know me 407-325-1482 Garden of Ones Some lyrics of the soundtrack of my life (though so many mixed tapes were kept in Toronto, lyrical parts of me now lost to me)... lyrocks lyrics music The Main Gate The Written Gardens The Back Door (mostly biographical) The Window (long overdue for an update) The Want List (not updated in years, but still mostly most important)** and there's a start of a very long and winding road, but a very effective way of finding the clues and mysteries and secrets that are me... the second step is to ask for clarification of anything of specific interest or curiosity or importance to you... baby steps to the door (What About Bob?)... so many references... so many lost along the way... * alas, after all the hopeful words and mutual statements about being friends, she chose not to answer her phone and instead, replied thusly: I have been thinking a lot about things in the last couple of days. I want to be really honest, too. .... (just a few lines omitted cuz they might be an intrusion on her privacy) .... I am looking for someone for companionship and yes, sex. All I require is that they not be too emotionally messed up. Actually, at this point, casual sex without a lot of other baggage seems better to me. Therefore, I think we can be friends but not more. I have a lot of commitments coming up in the next 6 weeks anyway. ** I don't know if she ever read any of my writings or if she did, I don't know if she took anything as deeply as I meant it... she seemed to miss or overlook my wantlist, especially... ironically, she one of the things she asked me to read was a passage called Vincent and Theo on AOL from a book called Naked Pictures of Famous People by Jon Stewart... clue?*** *** ah, but true friends do not usually happen overnight and perhaps we shall laugh about all this as we grow old as true friends someday... there is always hope, so there J
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