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2005-06-17 - 12:13 p.m. and so it goes... "I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough." ~ Nicholas Sparks watching The Notebook and so many tears fall from my eyes... it's way too personal a story for me, but then, you knew that... but did you know that my nickname for Amy was Ali... yes, of course you did... and the rest of you, well, now you know too... maybe (that old blank sly grin that once may have been magic {whatever the color or absence thereof} just can not resist popping out now and then and what might seem to be the most inappropriate times, ya know?)... maybe... no sleep... no life that is all mine and no one who loves me for only being me it's sad... it's true... but what is there to do about it but hold on to the same fantasy... maybe... every heart dreams of love like a god up above pure and true, without end the bestest best friend every soul dreams of this like a never ending kiss holy bliss, passion beyond any choice but to respond and carry on ah, such sweet babble calls out to me... I've been on a roller coaster of emotions and so hopeful and it gave me several weeks of wonder and excitement too cuz somebody cared to know me or at least that's what she said but unfortunately at this moment it seems all she wanted to know was the me I could be in her bed... alas, some times I just don't want casual sex... I've always wondered about the phrase "more than friends" because I don't see anything relationship more important than a friend... but then, maybe I just define the word friend differently than Webster and most of the world... and when you know you have a real friend somewhere, suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear... oh yeah... thank you Jackson... it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside... yes, I'm not one of those who can easily hide... so the rich doctor lady in the big ranch in the country tried the sweet seduction and I just adore her kids and might have adored her too if she did not put knowing my body ahead of knowing me (call me strange, but I like to share naked on the inside before I share naked on the outside and so few really want to get naked on the inside it seems)... and that's where I've been for the past few weeks... exploring a whole new world that appeared to be not far from Neverland (she even played the film, Finding Neverland for me and had The Princess Bride up next and was so seducing my child inside)... for those of you who noticed I was gone, thanks... the conversations in and out of the past few weeks shall be the entries that you've missed, if you want to look back, for whatever they're worth... as for me... I'm moving on... to feel like I'm being used I don't want to know myself at these times so I let myself get confused and lost in a silent isolation my tears flow on the inside in plain sight for anyone to see there's really no way to hide but for the moment I won't tell me another dream has died oh, oh another dream has died I was going to start a whole new diary called Letters to Lala, but now I am not so sure there'll be much to post there cuz the bubble seems to have burst quite suddenly... so I had poured my heart out to her because she asked and she seemed very interested in knowing me... and she invited me up to her ranch for the past two weekends and we cuddled and coupled with her friends and kids and we talked of being close for life and always friends no matter what... and I started bonding with her kids and dogs and we were making plans and then, well, you've got sixteen entries to decide for yourself what happened... will you hate me if I don't want yours? will you try to seduce me tell me everything I want to hear promise me to moon and stars and to always be there to be a true friend convince my heart that your love never ends will you tell yourself to wait that I will come around to want you as you want me and what if I don't? will you break every promise and drop me like a worthless fantasy? if this sounds like something you do and you think I'm sexy keep the promises of love and false friendship just pass me by just let me be
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