LIFE

IN
BLACK
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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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THE FAILURE


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FAT MAN WALKING
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FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-06-15 - 12:05 p.m.

conversations lala15


>I got off
> subject there, but I am winding around to the end,
> which is that I want to get to know you and maybe to
> love you and knock down the boundaries and possibly
> not have to build them back up ever.

wow, you are a realistic dreamer... I've always though I was too, but I seem to have a lot of very unavoidable proof that I can way too effectively avoid myself and fool myself into believing I can compromise some of my most long term deepest wants in order to get some of my other long term deepest wants and be completely appy in the process... I may actually be much more dreamer than realist at my core... maybe because I do not have anyone truly dependant on me (I've always thought that if I created or adopted a child I might see things rather differently, but it's just a guess)...

I want to continue...

>I already
> perceive that if I tell you that you hurt me you will
> look me in the eye and say you are sorry and you will
> actually understand how you hurt me and will accept it
> and you'll really mean you are sorry. Hell, that is a
> major breakthrough for me right there.

wow again... I don't actually use wow much... it's a pretty profound word for me with a long intensely meaningful history (rooted in my teens where so many dreams were given wings)...

this perception you have of me is accurate from my knowledge of myself, but the wow is that you would take that leap of trust and state it... and that you might actually give me the power to hurt you (as I believe we can only hurt ourselves, even when others seem to be the cause, for we still must give the person the power to effect our affect that much)... I hope never to mishandle that power, but not being perfect, I accept the probability that I will do something wrong for you one of these days... it's easy to apologize in advance, I will hopefully live up to our perspective of me when faced with my specific moments of insensitivity...

>If you ever
> tell me that I am doing something that hurts you or
> bothers you (or anyone else for that matter) I will
> listen and believe and I will do everything to fix it
> if I can. (Does my mild profanity bother you? I grew
> up a redneck and it just happens.)

when were you mildly profane?...

I rarely use the typical words that are considered curse words, but not primarily because of any cultural taboos (some of my websites are quite profane and some explore extreme cultural taboos from angles that might shock or offend even the most open of minds)... I simply enjoy expanding my vocabulary in order to be more precise in my expressions (and enjoy creating new words that mean more closely what i mean to say when, without deeper thought, I might just want to say oh shit or fuckit...

it's ok, ok?...

>I don't think I am
> hard to get along with at all. You haven't seen me
> mad yet, but that doesn't happen too often. I told
> you I can be very sarcastic when I am irritated.

sarcasm is amusing for me, but it can also be the most biting pain when mean
to hurt and I am not secure enough for that moment to laugh at myself and
see that I might actually deserve the mocking slap...

and we shall see each other's anger when it rises and hopefully it will not
be at the my sone moment and we'll be able to find mutually satisfying
understanding and laughter at the end of that and each interaction...

> However, I don't think I ever get mean. I don't like
> meanness.

me neither...

>I don't quarrel with my family, I don't
> hold grudges, I don't have an addictive personality,

I might... at times I thought I did, but then, it appear that I was just indulging myself and always remained in control, always choosing...

>I don't play mind games,

I don't think I do and do not intentionally unless it's a mutual tease or partnership for some higher cause (though no example comes to mind other than fantasies, like what if we were secretly spies or mutants or super heroes or... aliens? (cue eerie spookie mad laughter...

>I hate manipulative people,

hate is such a strong word... I avoid manipulative people like the plague...

>I am not a whiner,

I can whine, but I think it's mostly in fun...

>I would never tell a lie, I keep my word,

I die at the thought of telling a lie... I must ponder if I have in work or business or some other way... I believe I may have lied to myself to keep a relationship intact, which is probably my worst mistake in this life... I learned in high school that my instinct for truth was correct because I lived a lie of omission at Amy's request and it ended the relationship with Amy and that is still the lesson I call upon to remind me why the whole truth is the best course for me, even if I end up always alone...

and my broken promises haunt me...

>I am good at picking gifts because I think
> really hard about it, etc.

I used to be and love giving gifts... poverty reduces the opportunities and freedom to choose, but worse is my detachment and apathy about bonding with people and giving as I used to give... when I wake up, how much of myself will I have lost... and who will notice...

and so it goes...

>Bad qualities: I am
> sometimes too honest when I should just shut up, e.g.
> sometimes I tell husband 2 things that your daughter has told me,
> not thinking that she wants it to be a secret,

I think discretion is not dishonest, it is simply respecting privacy... I juggle the dichotomy of my desire to be as open and honest as humanly possible with the whole universe (hence my public journals and diaries on the net) and the desire for most people to not have their every action and feeling and hope and dream broadcast on the net... I change names and use a delicate selectivity in how I phrase things and what I share about others, but I do my best to not let that interfere with my desire to be as open and honest and free in my writing as possible... not always simple or easy, but it's sometimes fun...

>I don't
> read all the pathology journals that I should because
> I don't have time at work and I don't want to do
> "work" at home, I plan things and forget to consult
> everyone about them, e.g the kids (I forget they are
> or almost are adults, my ex-husbands think I am
> controlling (translated - will not be controlled), I
> sometimes let things bother me for a long time without
> saying anything- and then I blow up- however, this
> only happens with people I feel I cannot be upfront
> with and that doesn't include you. Do you notice any
> bad qualities that I have overlooked or denied?

I don't look for negative qualities persay so it usually takes me a while to notice that others have any unless they are in my face with them... and then there's the judgment words good or bad, which are often confusing and usually unclear to me so I seldom use them... I know what I like and what I don't like, what is right for me and what is not right for me...

one thing that does not sit right for me about you is your giving up on your body, your accepting a limited compromise (that might be viewed as planned failure, or avoiding potential failure, from another perspective) before you even take on the task of improving your health and fitness and raising your energy level... we have not discussed it in depth partly because you expressed a desire not to (so I'll make this brief), but I am puzzled that you point to the bed, and not your posture and excess weight, as the primary cause for your back pains (not to mention potential for vein problems and clots and all the rest)... I hope you are not offended or find pain in my query, but you seem so full of life and hope and optimism and strength and a quest for truth on most, if not all other levels...

I wonder how someone as intelligent and aware and sensitive and real as you can have hidden what you did to your body (yes, genetics matter, but they are also an easy way out at times)... or perhaps you do not hide it from yourself and simply avoid discussing it because it is a sore spot and if so, I apologize for poking at it... but you did sort of ask (grin?...

of course all this could be a subtle ploy by my libido to convince you to strive for more from yourself in your weight loss and fitness campaign, but then, if it was, I would probably not be mentioning it, unless, of course, this is only to throw you off track... I've never felt that this sort of thing works, so I doubt it, but I laugh at my exploring the possibility...

you're too honest, huh?...

maybe your leap of faith to trust so soon in knowing someone is borne of needing to be loved (or even a dependency on being held and losing yourself in sexuality) rather than acutely aware sensitivity and trusting your subconscious mind to lead you as I do... or am I talking about me?... wow, talk about unintentional mind games (I hope you are laughing with me, or at least smiling a puzzled smile and wishing you could look me in the eye and see where this exploration of your supposed 'bad qualities' might be going... you did say you loved roller coasters, dintcha?...

bottom line is I do not know you well enough to actually assess your qualities... I sense harmless intentions... (hoping it's not just a project of mine)... I sense a need to love and be loved (hoping it is not just a projection of mine)... I sense a wondrous light and joy and goodness inside you and (yeah, hoping... etc) above all else, sense a safe place to land and be myself again (when I can find myself again)...

I like what I sense about you... and the positives feel far better than any questions still to be answered...

> I must give up and go to bed, it is 2:42 am! Talk
> to you tomorrow, or later today.

and it is 1:28pm here, which is a few hours past my usual bedtime... to get 8 hours sleep (not that I get 8 hours too often) before waking with enough time to actually get ready for work properly I should be asleep at the latest 1pm, but I would rather wake at 5 or 6pm to have time to do things when I am awake rather than fatigued and also, it's healthier when working the night shift to not eat in the morning because it just adds to the weight-gaining tendency that so easily happens on the night shift... and then there is Precious who craves attention and usually has none in the evening after school unless I wake up... anyway, I'm a sleepy me right now...

I know it's kind of weird inside me, but are you still enjoying my mind?...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
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see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


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the moment

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