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2005-06-15 - 12:05 p.m. conversations lala15 >I got off wow, you are a realistic dreamer... I've always though I was too, but I seem to have a lot of very unavoidable proof that I can way too effectively avoid myself and fool myself into believing I can compromise some of my most long term deepest wants in order to get some of my other long term deepest wants and be completely appy in the process... I may actually be much more dreamer than realist at my core... maybe because I do not have anyone truly dependant on me (I've always thought that if I created or adopted a child I might see things rather differently, but it's just a guess)... I want to continue... >I already wow again... I don't actually use wow much... it's a pretty profound word for me with a long intensely meaningful history (rooted in my teens where so many dreams were given wings)... this perception you have of me is accurate from my knowledge of myself, but the wow is that you would take that leap of trust and state it... and that you might actually give me the power to hurt you (as I believe we can only hurt ourselves, even when others seem to be the cause, for we still must give the person the power to effect our affect that much)... I hope never to mishandle that power, but not being perfect, I accept the probability that I will do something wrong for you one of these days... it's easy to apologize in advance, I will hopefully live up to our perspective of me when faced with my specific moments of insensitivity... >If you ever when were you mildly profane?... I rarely use the typical words that are considered curse words, but not primarily because of any cultural taboos (some of my websites are quite profane and some explore extreme cultural taboos from angles that might shock or offend even the most open of minds)... I simply enjoy expanding my vocabulary in order to be more precise in my expressions (and enjoy creating new words that mean more closely what i mean to say when, without deeper thought, I might just want to say oh shit or fuckit... it's ok, ok?... >I don't think I am sarcasm is amusing for me, but it can also be the most biting pain when mean and we shall see each other's anger when it rises and hopefully it will not > However, I don't think I ever get mean. I don't like me neither... >I don't quarrel with my family, I don't I might... at times I thought I did, but then, it appear that I was just indulging myself and always remained in control, always choosing... >I don't play mind games, I don't think I do and do not intentionally unless it's a mutual tease or partnership for some higher cause (though no example comes to mind other than fantasies, like what if we were secretly spies or mutants or super heroes or... aliens? (cue eerie spookie mad laughter... >I hate manipulative people, hate is such a strong word... I avoid manipulative people like the plague... >I am not a whiner, I can whine, but I think it's mostly in fun... >I would never tell a lie, I keep my word, I die at the thought of telling a lie... I must ponder if I have in work or business or some other way... I believe I may have lied to myself to keep a relationship intact, which is probably my worst mistake in this life... I learned in high school that my instinct for truth was correct because I lived a lie of omission at Amy's request and it ended the relationship with Amy and that is still the lesson I call upon to remind me why the whole truth is the best course for me, even if I end up always alone... and my broken promises haunt me... >I am good at picking gifts because I think I used to be and love giving gifts... poverty reduces the opportunities and freedom to choose, but worse is my detachment and apathy about bonding with people and giving as I used to give... when I wake up, how much of myself will I have lost... and who will notice... and so it goes... >Bad qualities: I am I think discretion is not dishonest, it is simply respecting privacy... I juggle the dichotomy of my desire to be as open and honest as humanly possible with the whole universe (hence my public journals and diaries on the net) and the desire for most people to not have their every action and feeling and hope and dream broadcast on the net... I change names and use a delicate selectivity in how I phrase things and what I share about others, but I do my best to not let that interfere with my desire to be as open and honest and free in my writing as possible... not always simple or easy, but it's sometimes fun... >I don't I don't look for negative qualities persay so it usually takes me a while to notice that others have any unless they are in my face with them... and then there's the judgment words good or bad, which are often confusing and usually unclear to me so I seldom use them... I know what I like and what I don't like, what is right for me and what is not right for me... one thing that does not sit right for me about you is your giving up on your body, your accepting a limited compromise (that might be viewed as planned failure, or avoiding potential failure, from another perspective) before you even take on the task of improving your health and fitness and raising your energy level... we have not discussed it in depth partly because you expressed a desire not to (so I'll make this brief), but I am puzzled that you point to the bed, and not your posture and excess weight, as the primary cause for your back pains (not to mention potential for vein problems and clots and all the rest)... I hope you are not offended or find pain in my query, but you seem so full of life and hope and optimism and strength and a quest for truth on most, if not all other levels... I wonder how someone as intelligent and aware and sensitive and real as you can have hidden what you did to your body (yes, genetics matter, but they are also an easy way out at times)... or perhaps you do not hide it from yourself and simply avoid discussing it because it is a sore spot and if so, I apologize for poking at it... but you did sort of ask (grin?... of course all this could be a subtle ploy by my libido to convince you to strive for more from yourself in your weight loss and fitness campaign, but then, if it was, I would probably not be mentioning it, unless, of course, this is only to throw you off track... I've never felt that this sort of thing works, so I doubt it, but I laugh at my exploring the possibility... you're too honest, huh?... maybe your leap of faith to trust so soon in knowing someone is borne of needing to be loved (or even a dependency on being held and losing yourself in sexuality) rather than acutely aware sensitivity and trusting your subconscious mind to lead you as I do... or am I talking about me?... wow, talk about unintentional mind games (I hope you are laughing with me, or at least smiling a puzzled smile and wishing you could look me in the eye and see where this exploration of your supposed 'bad qualities' might be going... you did say you loved roller coasters, dintcha?... bottom line is I do not know you well enough to actually assess your qualities... I sense harmless intentions... (hoping it's not just a project of mine)... I sense a need to love and be loved (hoping it is not just a projection of mine)... I sense a wondrous light and joy and goodness inside you and (yeah, hoping... etc) above all else, sense a safe place to land and be myself again (when I can find myself again)... I like what I sense about you... and the positives feel far better than any questions still to be answered... > I must give up and go to bed, it is 2:42 am! Talk and it is 1:28pm here, which is a few hours past my usual bedtime... to get 8 hours sleep (not that I get 8 hours too often) before waking with enough time to actually get ready for work properly I should be asleep at the latest 1pm, but I would rather wake at 5 or 6pm to have time to do things when I am awake rather than fatigued and also, it's healthier when working the night shift to not eat in the morning because it just adds to the weight-gaining tendency that so easily happens on the night shift... and then there is Precious who craves attention and usually has none in the evening after school unless I wake up... anyway, I'm a sleepy me right now... I know it's kind of weird inside me, but are you still enjoying my mind?...
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