often I am asked, by those who come to know me, how I can be alone (without a partner, love interest, relationship) cuz I do have a few good partnering qualities about me (and hopefully, all ego aside, I understate that)...

something to understand about me is that there's a grin following that title, as is usually the case when I ask ironic questions (or even rhetorical ones) that are followed with a contented sigh of acceptance of the compromise that is being (and loving) me in this world and my unrequited love for romance and my insatiable desire to share, so if you do not laugh at my poor-me moments then I am the only one laughing and if you do laugh, then you just might understand and yay for that�

the thing is that I understand that I do not get what I seek from an audience in this rambling because I am as I am and do not put much (any?) effort into presenting myself as anything else in my words� and as an astute commenter wrote (and I so appreciate the honesty), this is a lot to take in� too much, that's the story of my life� I give too much, I ask for too much, I am too intense, too silly, too happy, too sad, too much� my mind races around in a dozen different directions and a few people appreciate and nobody actually keeps up with all of me�

I could take a pill, of course, and become more normal� but that's about the sickest bit of conformity there is in a culture already plagued by the fear of being different or not-accepted (or honest or real)� that way is for anyone who chooses it, but for me, being me as I am is the only choice� even if it means I miss out on one of my favorite dreams and deepest desires, to find an equal partner who can and will share everything with me�

I so appreciate a comment like mwgrl5's (not that I don't appreciate a comment like sleepless dreams cuz encouragement is precious too and I do love to focus on the positive and believe in the dream and I do not compromise, which is the point of the irony in the title, after all)�

thank you J

yeah, so entries popped up a bit suddenly (as they are apt to do around here) and lots more remain in the pipe (but getting up to date might actually get us an entry that brings more life in black and white beck into the babble as opposed to the random thought stuff you've been missing (or reading, there's always the chance you've had time, right?)� I believe a few of you actually do read it all and I feel blessed to have you out there� even if my irreverent nonsense appears so whatever, aloof or casual about it� so just in case you have the time and interest and tolerance�

here's this weeks entries (mostly uploaded in the last few days): 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

and now, let's look around at today (what?� no irreverent cleverness?� whatever will we do?� well, we could skip over to BlogMad where we could chat, surf, and get more visitors to our sites, but then, I don't have time to be over there much today� you'll let them know if you head over after reading here, right?� I appreciate you for that� those of you fifty or so who used my referral link who are not on my blogmad friends or lovers lists, let me know and I'll add you� there's lots of links of appreciation for others of you dear readers a bit further down the page�

the typing is stuttering�

at the moment (which would technically be yesterday by now) this old computer is trying not to choke on moving some emails (ok, not just some, almost 20,000 emails) from one folder into another folder because the first folder, into which most of my email groups are filtered, is too full and the program has database errors when trying to download more mail and there's almost 20MB of mail awaiting download and the program crashed twice already trying� it's bee almost twenty minutes now that the Windows OS is trying move those mails� I suppose having less than 10% free space on the hard drive matters too� I really must move some of the media I've been collecting off the hard drive�

alas, old computers, and so it goes�

meanwhile I've not challenged the computer by opening other windows (and that's where I've been, which you'll be happy to tell my blogMad friends, right?� I mean, in case they are wondering where I've been and why my surf rate has diminished this week� it's been a busy week)�

in total, it took two hours to download mail on a high speed DSL connection (any wonder why I am not into email?) and all last night to move and sort (which is quite frustrating as no sharing or sense of anything worthwhile was done during my night off thanks to junk mailers who are the lowest form of worthless creatures to me at these moments) and generally glance through just 1% of the mail and I found, in randomly scanning that 1% of the mail, if that much, more than a few emails were sorted improperly by Outlook Express (which sucks at filtering mail, I am realizing) and so comments and responses and conversations died at my end without my knowledge�

humble apologies to all those to whom I did not respond over the years�

and then I simply deleted a few hundred thousand emails without even glancing (and I still have a few hundred thousand on this computer) and that's why, for me, email is an unacceptable method of attempting communication at the moment and one more reason I stay away from it� just way too much SPAM and not enough control to access to emails I want� are there any email programs that actually can sort through the junk?�

so if you email me, call me to let me know � or leave a comment or note here to let me know � or your email might be lost forever in the thousands of SPAM emails I get every day� once I know your email I can add it to the address book and filters and then usually I can get your email to an Inbox where I can find it�

one more reason to despise our commercial culture�

writing was so much simpler and smoother without the internet, but then, I reached a much smaller audience� I think� I did reach a few thousand at one time via my print publications, right in the person privacy of their physical mailboxes� I tried to start using Word to write entries so I could spell check and keep track of stuff, but this old computer chokes and slows when the browser and Word are open at the same time, so I stick to Notepad most of the time�

the internet is such an odd place and communications are sometimes so fleeting, so transient, so disconnected� I found some SPAM in my guest book so I went to delete it when I remember I had another guest book and checked that and found an ancient message telling me to check my yahoo personals mailbox and I don't remember having a yahoo personals mailbox� I probably put a yahoo personal up there sometime in the last ten years, but who knows when and accessing the account?�

that's why my PO box and telephone number are right here on this page� I figure anyone who is serious about contacting me can do it directly and avoid getting lost in the maze that is this web that is the net that, well, maybe you get the picture�

on the other hand (now that I've all but insured I will never ever get another guest book entry or comment, huh?), I absolutely love your guest book entries when you are not looking for a response� and comments here I do respond to eventually, after all (I did respond as they were left, but blogmad, you know)� I still have to re-adjust my time allotments to include everything I want to include � especially responding to you commenters as you are definitely precious and few and I want you to know how much I love you for taking a moment to click and leave a few words�

and suddenly (after checking my candora guest book for the first time in way too long) forgetting the frustration of SPAM and missed mails and the time it takes to clear them from my computer (well, almost forgetting, aye?), I am all warm and fuzzy inside remembering that some of my favoritest people in the whole internet have left me guest book entries there over the years� and to say thank you, I shall list you wonderful people here (some of you I miss dearly, so if you happen by googling for your name or something, please say hello and if you have a new web place, please let me know)� some may be gone, but not forgotten� and yes, this list includes a few profound crushes too� and just in case a comment pops out of my head, I shall now place my tongue firmly in my check (or stick it out, for that matter):

for-you-only (a crush, a muse, a real person too) lastyearsgirl (another crush, am I a slut?� stop laughing, dear musical muse) augustdreams (hi Nicole, I'll be good) antipodean (I remember being moved by words) jadedhopes (may hopes be fresh again) autumnal (yes, how I found Dland and my first crush here) f-i-n (dear one from down south) krissallae (and I smile� and laugh) cutething (the Alex of my dreams) donnaisblue (wow, it's been so long, depths and beauty) lostchicken (but not forgotten) blackpanty (one worth raiding) daath (not death, daath) thedonkey (definitely not an ass) f4sakndauter (so long, I know, but still you do inspire) charminggirl (your Prince, your Prince, where is your Prince?) hauntedmind (from the beginning, I loved your haunting) lifequest (what better quest?) brevity (I remember sitting wide eyed and reading) driftinportal (and smiling) apassenger (and wishing) bleue (mmmmm) cazzylove (I've just got to get to a gig again) gumphood (the one and only) I-am-jack (and knows it too) justjill (jack and jill, no relation, but gentle smiles) purplebanana (a very funny fruit) cactustree (warm prickly fuzzies) veronica-- (thanks) ravynemyst (a wonder from way back) sooticaj (years passing now) dcalienz (inspirational, and found z0tl in his comments) regz (remember when the music�) candor (yes, he stole my name right from the start) outtatune (and we'll get by with a little help from our friends) biensoul (just like her name) the29th (deep, dark, beautiful� miss you)�

and continuing this entry that should have been uploaded last night�

oh well, the plan for today was to see Evita as performed by Precious's high school (and to see Precious doing lead spotlight for the first time), but I am not there and the show just began� apparently Rasputin's mom overslept (she didn't make it at all last year) and he called her and she rushed (she lives 3 or so hours away, at least) and she's running late but might be there and might be late� and a work friend of Raspy's is already at the theatre and he said he'll skip the show if his mom is late and have no interest in being set up on any sort of date-like thing with the person from Raspy's work (not even close to my kind of person to hang with) so I was not going to be standing there in the position of "well you see it with co-worker now and I'll go with my mom tonight"� this co-worker was going to see the last show at the school, but turned up too late last time�

and Raspy then called and said he got to the school too late and they had already locked the doors and his mom was still on the road and so nobody got to see it� they are going to lunch, again eating out... I've got to draw a line for my wasiteline and my wallet, so I chose not to go...

there's a performance tonight, but it's supposedly with the "B" cast and I wasn't really interested in seeing the cast of 'maybe they'll be better next year, we hope'� apparently there's no really outstanding people in Precious's grade or even the grade behind her� oh well, some things are just not meant to be� or maybe I am just being lazy and feeling lonely and blah blah blah, ya know?�

and I now, of course, think of all the reasons I don't mind missing it (even though I could still go tomorrow afternoon, if I decide I won't get much, if any, sleep before work one more Sunday, therein starting the week off with a lazy Monday because I'll be too tired to exercise {and slowly but surely the motivation dissipates as day after day the lack of any exercise interest around me distracts and interferes and drains what motivation is inside} and all that self-defeatest talk which is such BS)� truth is, I've got to be very selfish with my time to make time for a healthy sleep pattern and I need to be even more selfish and separate myself from the lazy habits and activities (or lack thereof) of those in my every day offline life in order to to make time for exercise and maintain motivations and maybe this move is a step in that direction�

and it's just poor-me laziness too�

see, honesty, that's what I respect most and finding it makes me happy so I am happy right now in spite of my disappointment with my current energy level and social life and self-discipline and motivation and la-de-da�

anyway, it's not like Evita is a favorite� it's good, some good music, but too real-world political and I prefer more escapism subject matter in my shows, movies, and artsy escapes� the exceptions are a few shows that have killer music and even better words and some sort of history for me (like JCS, Pippin, and a few others)� mostly it's about the company (both onstage and off) and the potential coupling set-up tonight was just not one I was going to be part of�

alas, a large part of why the hermit life is good for me is because I do not enjoy superficial or pretentious at all and will not, if I can avoid it, put myself in a position of social discomfort because that is not relaxing or fun or positive and I do not have time for play that isn't relaxing and fun and positive� unless it's exercise and the last thing I need is to hang with yet another person who does not appear to have that that word (no less activity) in her or his vocabulary� that's not the change of social direction that would be good for me�

yeah, hard core me, no prisoners, no compromise� �

yawn�

so there's some more insight (somewhere in the irreverent asides and between the lines and maybe even in the words themselves too) into the character writing about life in black and white behind the candoor and in closing I send you elsewhere to check out another new site that has be excited� thanks to recommended I joined post crossing (ya see?) and started reminiscing about the snail mail exchanges I used to enjoy (and publish myself, once upon a time)�

maybe this week I'll fill in more of the missing entries and therein further demonstrate the never ending story that is always playing out in my head as I dream of the one who'll jump in and not only keep up with all of it, but add to it�

I don't ask much, huh? (see me smirk?)�

sigh...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)