this might turn into my eulogy� though it wasn't my intention at the start and it needs a lot of work on tenses and removing the superfluous and dated stuff, as it comes to it's close, despite the obvious hiccups and giggles and spitting into the wind, it satisfies some urge in me, like a good run� like I did it my way even if it's an impossible dream� of course the rhymes would have to be re-inserted if it was actually to be my final rambling�

meanwhile, updating the previous entry (which did not actually have a full 24 hours out front), a major change may happen soon for Bert and Berry (and their motivation)� they may relocate to Seattle and I think that's a great idea for them� Bert's already trying to talk me into moving there� maybe in a year or two if I'm still just trudging along alone here in Florida� I'd like to stay here at least until Precious starts college in the fall of 2007� and Rasputin is thinking about a move to Sarasota after that, especially if Precious goes to the college she's looking into there� the one that gave her a scholarship already as long as she maintains her grades and does well on the SAT�

but for this update of this particular entry, unfortunately, two of my few offline friends (and my only motivators) will be gone from the daily physical world� so there I'll be, on my own again (singing a paraphrased old Bob Seger favorite)� at least when I motivate myself to get out there on the trail�

on the plus side, I did get out for a three mile run/walk at the same 16 minute per mile pace Monday morning� and I got to talk to Lydia for hours and hours after I got back from the run� so all in all, wonderful Monday thanks to that stubborn streak in me who will not give up hope (or roll over easy) and thanks to Lydia (see, living proof that blogmad is well worth my time� don't forget to let me know if you registered or reregistered so I can send you some credits� just tell me when you registered so I know the notice I got meant it was you)� see, we do get by with a little help from our friends�

and so, today's entry�

once upon a time the solitary run was meditation for me, addictive and a treasured alone time� for years I preferred to run alone all those long distances through the night� just me and the moon and the stars� oh, how I miss that feeling of being at peace and one with the entire everything (universe, quniverse, zuniverse, whatever we call everything)�

now it is much more lonely time wishing someone would be there to share it� I think that is largely because I want to say goodbye to someone who loves me if I keel over and die while pushing the body to it's limits and beyond again� thoughts of mortality were rarely part of the meditative experience that long distance running used to be� but then, neither were thoughts of aching muscles or can I make it another tenth of a mile� so I better find motivation to get back into shape before I start throwing myself a permanent pity party and morbid pre-death funeral� I mean, if I'm gonna die, I'd much prefer a kick-ass wake�

ironically, I am often asked by people I write to or talk to on the phone why I am so relatively alone in the world� most people seem surprised after talking to me or meeting me� surprised that I lament over not finding romance�surprised that I am alone in this world� surprised that I have so few friends and no lover to call my own�

I am a social person and have no problem starting up conversations with strangers, but I do not seem to find people who wish to continue past the surface conversations� and I tire of the superficial rather quickly if there's no substance forthcoming� I don't want to think it's because people are so shallow in Florida or Orlando� it must be, at least in part, due to my perspective and actions�

there is libido, the natural chemical reactions, the instinctive hormonal drives, the intuitive passions, the sense of right one and wrong one for me� and there is the question of how much compromise can I accept� can I (should I even ask?) justify (and ore importantly, can I be satisfied) with someone who does not make libido drool or who does not trigger natural chemical reactions or instinctive hormonal drives?� can I be satisfied with someone who does not light up the sense that she is the right one the moment I am in her presence?�

I doubt it� and I don't think I should try (I have tried, it was not fair to the other person, even cruel at times, emotionally)� so was it Paul Simon or Art Garfunkel who wrote and sang looking for the right one, when will the right one come along� I am so full of those lost and lonely laments it's probably nauseating to most people who see them as sad or self-pathetic� but I love them because it is not self-pity that comes out in those songs for me� it is the longing and most of all, the hope that the right one will come along�

the best part of singing the blues is the hope that the blues can end� that in singing the blues, feeling the blues, it cuts through the apathy and complacency and numbness and for me, at least, that's hopeful� because the blues are only part of the rainbow�

if you read through my past here behind the candoor and in other writing places (like anyone has time to read all that, but I've known and a whole life of ups and downs), you will find that I have a dozen or so songs (I once made a tape, but it was lost in Toronto along with the person who kept all my stuff)� I wish I had the time to find the writings I wrote during those last taping days when I still felt so close and in touch with the music� before the predominant theme was lonely lament� the theme was eternal hope� the impossible dream, you'll never walk alone, my way, I've got to be me, corner of the sky, need to be in love, people, honesty, because� just to name a few of those songs on that all-time repeating soundtrack of my life songs�

and now there are some very sad songs vying for position on that soundtrack that is most representative of me, the past, the present, the future, the hopes, desires, dreams, the experience and the want to be� gethsemane, turn the page, the late show, wasted time, prisoner in disguise, foolish games, long long time, in the arms of the angels�

I love so many songs, happy and sad, old and new, but those that mean the most to me when I think of songs that represent my perspective, my experience, my beliefs, my hopes and dreams, those have seldom changed in this life� the first set (not that all have been listed, but those are representative) remain strong and closest to the core, but the second set (again representative and not all inclusive) are climbing the charts, so to speak� time and relative failures take their toll�

relative failures, in case you wondered, because I would not erase any of it, because so much of each experience in this life was amazingly wonderful, dreamily beautiful� this life, for me, has been a fairy tale so far in many ways� a fairy tale that includes the darkest of the dark sides of life experience, but that brings greater fullness overall� I would so like a shared happy ending, hoping the story is far from over�. please tell me there's still magic�

over and over I am told to grow up, to get real, to stop living with me head in the clouds� over and over I am laughed at for the hope and belief in true love I maintain� over and over I am cautioned to be careful, to be less open� over and over I am used by those who see love as a game� but I don't want to things that way� so I just go my way and let my heart come out to play and if it's beat up, put down, laughed at, or drowned it's ok� for I love love's immortal as long as one person cares, as long as a baby's born and sees a mother's loving tears, as long as a robin red breast will die defending it's nest I know there's love and that's the way I know is best�

so I will believe in magic and I will write my love songs and it may be my obsession but I won't believe it's wrong to express my love and passion and nurture my fantasies for I think in rhymes and feel in melodies and all I want is to do is share harmonies� while everyone else is dropping to their knees, I'll be flying with the birds and bees�

oh, the rebel insect, what did you expect?�

this is the story of a life as told by a child of Dr. Seuss and Bennett Serf and George Carlin and Robin Williams and Lenny Bruce� and it's not like every time it has to rhyme, but it will a lot, in fact, most of the time� and the more it rhymes the more feeling is flowing through me� sometimes my real experience and sometimes fantasy but just as real to me in the moment of the words release I find a sweet euphoria, passion, and magic I'll call peace� may you find a way to tell your story and express your dreams for that's what's missing from this world if you ask me� too much production of useless junk and not enough living in teams sharing dreams and passions and all the reactions of being honest with your feelings in all of your dealings� and being free�

what can I say about freedom?�

seems foolish to be fighting for something you do not use�

and so sad to turn on the nightly news� the human race is a disgrace to any decent species but if this is all we've got then maybe we can make it better and stop killing for fun and profit and start caring about each other and start feeling good about ourselves instead of building heavens and hells�

is it just me, or do you notice too that so often wars are fought by the religious people of the world� the people who preach goodness and love and do unto others as you'd have them do unto you and love they neighbor and turn the other cheek and God is love and live in peace and why does it seem like hypocrisy?� maybe because it is, in reality�

so how do you save the people who are trying to save you by killing you?�

I do not wish anyone any harm� but from time to time I will pull the fire alarm� because this world is burning and somebody ought to know� I'll say it one more time before I go� love should not be just put on for show� in fact, love is not something to put on, it's something that comes from inside� love is how you help a garden grow� love is the energy that can save the world� you can't buy it, but you can deny it� love is not made of things� you can't fly it like a plane, but you can fly on it's wings� love is the energy you feel when your heart sings� the energy you feel tugging on your heart strings�

so if I may and if I might have one more wish, then please don't fight�

if you care at all about the things you say you love, freedom and God and love and human rights and family� well what about the human family?� and what about the God is love � where is that in your national policy?� and what about the human rights when all you exercise is your right to fight?� and what about the freedom you abuse?� seems foolish to be fighting for something you don't use�

love?�

maybe what I am writing is my eulogy� for the dead, after all, can anything be more free?� and since you are burying me today� then there's just one more thing I'd like to say� if you have ever meant a single word you said in prayer� then why don't you live as if you care?� why do you live so blinded and bent by fear?� is life, for you, just fighting off despair?� don't you know that you can't buy your way out of here?� did you dream up heaven because you made life hell?� I'd like to know your truth, not what you sell�

and if I ask for too much, if you won't remove your shrouds� then bury me and I will keep my head up in the clouds� and you can do what you want to and in the end the truth will show� my last request, in case you care to know� is I'd like just one more party before I go� so I'm throwing one more party before I go�

and you're all invited� whatever your show� if it's really time for me to go� then I'd like just one more party before I go�

hello?�

did you think I was gone just because my body would not go on?� don't worry, I'm not here to haunt you� I'm just here for one last request, just so you know� I'd like just one more party before I go�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)