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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-12-07 - 10:39 p.m.

word.


well, since I said that tonight's entry is in progress, I suppose I ought to get to getting it together... some snips and a few paragraphs have been written already and now it's time to stick them together in some random order that might pass for cohesion (shhhh, that's the secret process only true friends can understand, so don't tell anybody, ok?)... there is, as usual, not enough time to let my mind wander where it might if I took it off the clock, but we'll do the best we can in the time we've got... trust me... or as Kevin says, "don't be scared now"

and the glass is half full...

if you remember nothing else, please remember this... THE GLASS IS HALF FULL... what me shout?... seriously, if this is not clear, then you missed the point of everything... return to start, or GO, or 42, or something like that (get the references?)... optimism, positivity, harmless intent, perspective is everything, this is only mine (and you are reading from yours)...

I was going to title this entry my glass is half full, how's yours?, but then decided to be more brief, cleverly succinct, perhaps (or less confrontative?... still, mischeif grins through every almost line for those who can see it, even on double-take)... maybe even (the word eludes me for the moment, it may appear later if I remember to return when I remember it)... timely?... the truth as I see it at the moment (wow, how presumptuously pompous of me, huh?)... yes, this is one of those entries (always incomplete, at least, and risking the extremes of irreverence and seriousness and the misunderstandings and confusions and fun that can come from such and inadvertently testing your capacity to trust, but that may be beside the points)... now I suppose we might get it started and see where it will go (fixing a hole, even), huh?...

this is sure to be an entry even a mother couldn't love (and I'd know, huh?... ouch, my humor can definitely bite me the most, but that only goes to prove my point about unconditional trust and intending no harm and so on... and hopefully you get it too cuz you'll surely need it if you want to get close to me)...

bless you for continuing... I got some sleep today... not enough, but a few hours is better than none and the last three or four days there was none... if you know of anyone paying for subjects for a sleep deprivation study, please sign me up... there's no point in doing it for free if there's income available, right? (my mind is looking at me strangely just now)...

ok, it's time to think a bit (uh-oh... or is that ut-oh?)...

the Talmud said (as I've quoted and paraphrased dozens of times {and will include entries to the other times if I find time and remember}, in case you think I've gone senile and forget the quoting I do):

"we do not see things as they are,
we see things as we are."

probably paraphrased but the point remains the same... I am transparent, I am a mirror, I am a chamelon, I am a walrus koo koo ka choo... wait, I am attempting a serious moment (oh sure, that's rich... it may become obvious why it is so rare that anybody actually gets my sense of humor by the end of this entry... anyway... shhhh, let me try, he says to the silly voices in his head... who'd believe I'm actually depressed, huh?)...

aherm...

you read the words I put in this diary (and maybe some other words I put elsewhere) and you understand what your mind creates, the meaning you see is your own... sometimes it may be close to the actual meaning I sought to convey... sometimes you may hit upon the precise moods and feelings and experience I am going through in these moments I tap these keys, but I'd wager that's rare for my moods and perspectives change dramatically and suddenly and usually without any apparent rhyme or reason (especially here in the babbling brook of my written world)... for example, by the time my tears are read, I am usually laughing at myself... and yet I am always crying, always laughing, and always wondering who will get it...

I do not wish to dampen your enthusiasm or push you away... though asking someone to explore my reality usually does that... but then, what are friends for?... I mean, I want to see yours... you want to see mine, dontcha?... interesting ceiling, aye?...

I do not wish to alter the illusion you create in your mind about me... I do not wish to step on your fantasy... I certainly do not wish to negate your thoughts and feelings... and I hope I do not do any of this too much, but I do want to point out that you are you and I am me and there is so much we do not know about each other... without truth, everything is meaningless...

and then there is another oft quoted line by Arthur Shopen-something (I'll have to look up his name cuz I rarely remember how to spell it) that goes something like this:

"reading is like thinking with someone else's mind"

and there is truth, wonderful truth in those words... but we must realize that the bridge is intuition... sharing written words online, we are fantasies... we seek what we want to find and imagine finding it... we reach out and hope for corroboration, for reassurance, for validation of our intuitions and sense of literary understanding... and when we share the illusion that we understand each other, that the meaning each of us wish to convey is a wonderful feeling that can be a beautiful bond if we keep it real...

...interruption (or intermission, feel free to... whatever)...

questions from Precious... I'll be back...

...(and now returning)...

Rasputin is away again... apparently another business trip... he didn't mention it this morning before he left for work, we talked of other things... Precious says he might be back tomorrow and might be away a few days... I suppose he assumes she is independent and needs no parental guidance or input while he's gone... he obviously does not realize how much attention and input she seeks while he's asleep or in his room at his computer or suddenly gone for a few days... or maybe he assumes I'll be here and trusts me to fill in as parental unit...

I do not know and any guess I make is my assumption, my illusion of what might or might not be going on in his head... and here we live together, see each other with multiple senses on a daily basis, talk eye to eye and have about as much knowledge about each other as people get in this world (short of carnal knowledge, since he's not my type)... this is the point of this entry (amazing how the universe provides perfect examples when we are open to it, huh?)...

remember where we (me, you and Harry) were before we were interrupted (back in Act I, Scene I)?...

maybe you know the experience of soul-mating (or whatever term we shall agree to give to the closest bond two people can share)... you may have slept with someone for years and suddenly you find yourselves apart and all you knew and believed in changed... the person you fell in love with, the person who you thought you knew through and through to be the person you could unconditionally trust with everything to never hurt or betray you suddenly lives somewhere else as a stranger... and you wonder what happened, how you could have been so blind to not see the aspects of that person that are now so unavoidably clear and keep you living apart and no longer sharing any intimacy or trust... sadly, it happens all the time...

if you've known any sort of relationship that you counted on, even if it was not so close, and it changed... perhaps a friend from high school who was your inseparable twin who suddenly has nothing in common with you anymore... you might understand what I am getting at in this entry...

words, especially written words, in some ways, are a closer bridge than spoken words... and yet even written words are just symbols for meanings we can only truly completely understand as individuals within our own minds... most people do not like to face this obvious state of reality because it highlights the singular point that we are alone, always separated by our bodies and minds, never to truly know the unconditional sharing of everything that we dream of as true love and write fairy tales about... maybe that's why we create gods, to imagine someone knows us completely... and how can we dispute such a widely accepted all-encompassing illusion...

words online, without the facial expressions, vocal tones, body language, and other sensory input, are whatever we make of them... you may read words that touch you, that express exactly what you are thinking or feeling, and yet the writer of those words may not actually have meant exactly what you see in those words... meaning is subtle and very personal, especially when we start exploring the vast emotions we can experience...

and if we move to sharing words, notes and emails and even handwritten letters, we are getting more direct sensory input, more clarification of meaning, but we are still missing most of the clues to understanding that we can get in a check out line at a supermarket (for example) or in any in-person interaction...

how can this not diminish what we share online? (I look at myself and shake my head at the fool who shoots himself in the foot... but then, if you are laughing with me and shaking your head too, then the point is made and the purpose of this entry is served... if not, nevermind)... ideally, and hopefully, it amuses and it brings it into perspective... if not, that is your choice and we both lose... this entry will probably separate the posers from the potential true friends as I've said in so many ways already (if you can read between the lines)...

human norms might lead people to choose to lose, we do not have to... most people might not like to face real truth, most refuse to distinguish between their illusions and pretenses and the physical reality they deny, but we do not have to be most people... if you've found nothing to laugh at, you've missed the point... I shall continue now...

and if we move to sharing auditory words, phone calls, then we add a huge amount of sensory input into our potential understanding, a much stronger knowing can form, but we still are without visual communication and personally I think so much more than most people consciously realize comes from facial expression and body language... we still have to base our understanding on a lot of assumption and illusion...

and if we move to sitting in the same space and talking to each other, making eye contact, sharing facial expressions and all the signs that body language can tell us consciously (and mostly subconsciously), we can base our understanding of what another person means on much more sensory input and still, we are only beginning to explore who the other person is and what the other person thinks and feels about things... yet this is as close as most humans ever get, really...

and if we cross the space and share more, touch and hug and reach for bonds of the flesh, explore how each other feel by actually stimulating each other physically (while still sharing the words and all the other sensory input we can get, as opposed to closing ourselves off from other forms of communication as so many seem to do in relationships once physical intimacy comes into the picture, as if sex replaces the need to communicate verbally or through all other means... and we wonder why the divorce rate is around 50% and so many intimate relationships end without intending to end, but that's another story and again I let my irreverence digress, huh?), we can share as much as two human beings can share... and still we can not know for certain just how the other perceives a flower, or cloud, or story, or the feelings shared, for each mind communicates internally in a language that only that mind can understand completely...

so here we are... you read my words and think that maybe you understand something, maybe you know what I mean as I lament about loneliness or complain about lack of silence or cleanliness or this or that... maybe you think you feel the same about the hungers I write about or the dreams I try to put into words... maybe some of you even think you know what is going on in my head or heart based on reading words here and in other places online... and maybe you do...

but tell me truly, have you read every word I've put online?...

in other words, would you be surprised to learn that I curse in some places?... or that I write what would be considered X-rated words... or that I write songs?... or that I can write brief and to the point paragraphs without babbling?... or that I died years ago and these entries are being uploaded by someone who found them in a box in a dusty attic? (as if to demonstrate the previous point, aye?... que Robert Kline ooo-eeee-ahhh music and stoke up the campfire... or something like that)...

or that I laugh at myself often and take nothing negative completely seriously? (this is the point most often missed it seems, because, as I used a quote to suggest earlier, you see things as you want to see them more than as they are)... don't worry, just care (but who truly knows how to do that?)...

did I mention I am labelled an incorrigible tease by those who have known me best?... you'd never believe it, would ya?...

and even if you read every word put online, do you realize that there are a hundred times that many words, maybe a thousand times that many words written by this same mind you are reading now that have not been put online?...

and still, only words, we share no other sensory input...

so some of you think you know me (and I want so much to be known, truly known, known completely by everybody, but most especially by at least one person in this world before I die... but I will not pretend words are enough)... and some of you might think you understand me (and how I dream of being truly understood, acknowledged, appreciated, and loved)...

and I love your for it...

but I must remember that it is mostly illusion (and beware of assumptions, over-personalization, and other mind games)... that you see me through your eyes... that you understand my words through your perspectives and experiences... that you know me as you would like to imagine me to be... and the understandings we try to share are based largely on hope and faith, leaps of faith and trust that what we want to find as a writer or friend is actually what is on the other end of line that brings the words to our computer screens...

and when I read (or hear) words of praise or reassurance or encouragement I so want to believe I am truly deserving and my self-doubts resist, pointing at the vast empty spaces in my life and asking if I am so deserving then why am I so alone?... self-defeating questions not even a mother could love... see, I warned ya...

and it may help bring the point of this entry into perspective to know that it was inspired, in part, by the thought expressed in the parentheses in the following paragraph:

wow, it took half of forever to download (actually, the 5MB+ of mail is clogging up the line more than anything) and it scrolls off my laptop screen, but I love this design (and some of the words still feel like I wrote them about myself)... the dates confuse me, but then, my dates probably confuse some of you...

I expose everything I can, everything I find in me in words for you here and everywhere I write online and offline... my blessing or curse, you it to praise or love or hate or abuse me, as you wish... it is my hope you I can find words to express myself completely honestly enough so that you might actually come to know who I am, what I think, how I feel... I want to be known, to be appreciated for being me, respected and yes, loved...

it may be, in the ideal, an impossible dream...

words may be all we have and in some ways these words online are a feeble, perhaps futile attempt to accomplish the fulfillment of what is, in the clinical physical reality, a not quite completely possible desire (ah, cold water reality is so refreshing, even with it's chills)... but we try just the same (and that's the beauty)...

look into my eyes and you may begin to see
and if not, ask until you find what you are looking for
but if you want to know the truth that makes me me
you'll have to lose your mind and open every door
trust unconditionally as you never have before
leave behind everything you know
and let go

or we could just agree to pretend...

perhaps that is what it means to be human... and why we write fairy tales and stories of great experiences and wonders... to reach for the belonging that comes from complete sharing, complete understanding, complete bonding, being one with each other... to know the peace of such trust... perhaps words are a way to a truly universal god-like experience...

even if it is all just shared illusion.


- - - - - - - - - -


Happy Birthday Harry(he got it)

J






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




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