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2004-12-06 - 10:05 p.m. nowhere man
the labor worker fix-it men inches through my bedroom wall they keep dropping a bowling ball sometimes just above my head madness just above my bed they're stomping on my mind again they handy dandy fix-it men loud laughing pounding upstairs I'd complain but no one cares languages no one understands feel like I'm in foreign lands maybe I'm losing my mind maybe I left it behind in some quiet dream vaguely remembering what silence sounds like doesn't even rhyme I wake up to the feeling of dreaming I am in some far off place where I don't understand the language and don't recognize a single face and I dance around a campfire pass a pipe and make some friends and suddenly Buddha and Jesus join hands with Mohammed and Moses and the dream ends with everyone living in peace and smiling and sharing the stuff they treasure a lot and I fall back to sleep with a tear in my eye knowing this dream is the best treasure I've got and maybe I'm losing my mind maybe the world can be kind in some quiet dream vaguely remembering what silence sounds like doesn't even rhyme maybe someone is knocking on the door maybe someone is calling my name maybe someone wants to be my friend maybe all the bad stuff in the world can end maybe answers are blowing in the wind again and I drift off to sleep in my dreams ��sleep writing... or so it seems and I sat here wide-eyed and bushy-tailed watching Amazing Stories all day and feeling all oooooh and aaaaaah and giddy from lack of sleep and an overdose of hopefulness and decided it was time to give you something to read that was more like me instead of being like the life I live these days (that makes sense, in case you wondered) and I had a good time doing it (whatever it is) and hope you do to (may you explode with giggles)... but I am serious... and then I was reading about computers today, probably because I dreamed a bass would join me (wait, that's a different dream, and the horse it road in on, salas salah, salad), I mean, probably because I updated my gift wish list (as opposed to my actual wish list, which is not focused on the material material world {cuz I'm really not much of a material girl... or boy, for that matter}, which probably could use some updating itself but remains mostly the same as it ever was) and let my silliness dream (you, know, the kind of id-oriented smiles that come from imagining things like some billionaire will discover my rambling and donate a few million dollars to the behind the candoor foundation cuz that billionaire thinks I deserve a foundation and stuff... or the mommy or daddy of my dreams comes along and adopts me and gives me all the gifts I ever wanted and lets me go through my seventh childhood... poor pathetic nurture-starved child, huh?... oh, what lengths I'll go to for attention)... remember, overdose of hopefulness (silly)... anyway, so I was reading about computers today and figured it couldn't hurt to let my dreams fly off to wherever they might go and decided that all I want for xmas or chanukah or any holiday we might wish to celebrate is one of these with this in it... something like this (or this or this or if I really had to, this, though I would upgrade the hard drives on all of them and add a few other storage devices... shhhh, let me dream)... actually, I'd settle for this one... but I'd much rather have an AMD Anthon 64 FX-55 processor (with at least 1GB L2 cache, though I'd like to wait until the 90 nanometer process, a lot more intergrated memory, and L3 cache is available) or a MAC G5 (either would add about a thousand bucks to the price... which I could probably cover, since we're dreaming of what some rich patron of babble is going to buy me... aren't dreams wonderful?)... and then there's the laptop idea... I suppose I should read this again and again and convince myself that a much cheaper (more economical) machine, with components selected specifically to meet my computing needs, would be a much wiser choice... ok, enough dreaming... no, never enough (thank you Patty Smyth... and Melissa)... oh, speaking of hungers (remember Melissa Etheridge's first {self-titled} album?)... now there's a wake up call (yay!)... and then there's Harry... sigh and some wondrous chills)... and then the phone rang and being totally unprepared for a phone call or to make any coherent communication, I answered (yes, but I am in such a good and full of hopefulness mood ya know)... obviously my scatterbrained condition was not condusive to a conversation, so the call was mercifully (for the caller) and surprisingly (for me) brief... the brain walked the body into the bedroom and laid down on the bed with the phone at my ear and said to me (the brain did, that is), "oh, it must be time to take a break from writing" and then I realized I was exhausted and yawned and then I realized I still had to go to work in now less than an hour and I whined and giggled and then the call was over... not my choice, but maybe for the best as my brain is dancing on the moon... so my spinning head checked voicemail and called Helena who left a message cuz there I was with the phone in my hand, after all, and that was also brief call that ended abruptly cuz she got another call... she wanted to know what a .pxt file was and why they couldn't write a .pdf file at work... and then the phone rang again about which movie we're going to see for our movie of the month (work friends... the choice is Sponge Bob or Ray... yes, we're an interesting group) and when the next drum circle will be... don't I have an exciting life? (for a fool on a hill)... take your time, don't worry... I had fishsticks for lunch... it's the first time I've had fishsticks in years... inpulse shopping, mostly... and chocolate cake... two actually... I mean, two different chocolate cakes... one was like whipped cream or a light mouse, the other was a chocolate truffle cake... seriously rich and delicious together... did I mention decadent?... Raspy and Precious went to the Macaroni Grill for dinner... I was totally jealous, but still too stuffed from my lunch to go with them... and I was hoping the chattering hoards of workmen would cease and desist and let me get a little sleep... no such luck... but it's quite now... maybe an hour of sleep would be beneficial?... and it will ruin the night... how do I get myself into these situations?... yes, what I did for love, la la la... I want Linux... or maybe I want Linus's blanket... maybe a nap wouldn't be such a bad idea... if I can wake up in an hour... maybe I'll take two and call work and tell them I'll be an hour late... no, I'm not considering calling in sick (or too sleepy) tonight... they want four hours notice and it's not my style to dump on co-workers like that (hear that prospective employers?... anyone offering more than $15 an hour, check my resume and hire me (or better yet, adopt me)... heck, I'd settle for room and board if it's the right position (read no double entendre into the word position, ok?)... so anyway, life goes on around here... dull... lonely... boring when I don't stimulate myself (and I get stupid and forget I can sometimes, in case you didn't already know that because you haven't read my long whiney lamenting entries)... but that's a lot of us out here in cyberspace... and a lot of us offline too... we do the best we can (sometimes) and sometimes we just avoid doing what we want to do cuz it's easier... easier, hauh... that's a cynical laugh)... and some of us roam the net clicking and visiting and imagining we are sharing time and space with friends who we really hardly know and never met... all the lonely people, is this where we belong?... I guess you may have noticed that I don't identify or link Beatles lyrics too often... it's cuz they are such a part of the soundtrack of my life that I forget some of you might actually not know the words/songs I reference... I'll think about finding links for the Beatles too in future entries... for now, I think that I shall explore the insides of my eyelids for half an hour or an hour and be a little late for work... I hope you've enjoyed this zig-zaggy journey through my mind tonight... remember you can change... huh?... remember you can stand up right now and go outside and smile at someone... remember you can reach out your hand and wave hello or touch another... remember to be hopeful... even when you feel like you're going nowhere... remember the potential of each moment... and don't be afraid to share it... I'm remembering (which is precious moments I cherish, if ya falla... this is a very good night, sitting here in my nowhere land... and isn't it a bit like you and me...
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