LIFE

IN
BLACK
AND
WHITE



last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


ARE THEY SERIOUS?
(how far are we from censorship?)

ONE. . . WHY
(find your social conscience)

Barbara Waters: so candoor, what all this fuss about blogmad?

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o O ( ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE ) O o

CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN

(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o

ABOUT ZOOPLA

o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o


blogadvance blogazoo
blogexplosion blogmad?
bloglines


o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o

HELP THE RED CROSS
MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI
BLOG FOR RELIEF
NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL

(MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL)
(INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS)

HELP AND BE HELPED
HURRICANE HOUSING
LINKS TO HELP
IMAGES FOR HISTORY
New Orleans News
Buloxi News
THE FAILURE


FREE SPEECH
(tell them what you think)

The White House
(202) 456-1111

Senate and Congress
(202) 224-3121

YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS
USE THEM





FAT MAN WALKING
BLOGATHON!
INDEX BEGIN
FACE FUN!



last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
comics
digg





REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
wikipedia
gutenberg
internet public library

itools references
movie database
Giga-Quotes
rare-lyrics
all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
hell
hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
straight dope
something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-02-28 - 10:58 a.m.

talking to my angel


so am I an every day diarist?... this particular diary started on September 17, 2003 and has become my primary daily mostly anything goes place for babble (which I must do daily or die)... that means this diary has been open for four hundred and ninety nine days (if my brain is calculating correctly this very tired morning)... and there are seven hundred and nineteen entries (this being the seven hundred twentieth... that's 499 days, 720 entries... yup, seems like an everyday diary to me...

and for another mundane detail in my relentless quest to bring you closer than skin so we can be as one, here are the details of my personal domain address SPAM... for background, my domain is candoor.net and candor.8m.com... they've been open for more than five years (three hundred seventy two weeks, according to the server) and they're paid for until 2013 or 2014 (I forget)... unfortunately, I am not sure the package I have with the server allows for at-server email filtering, so all the mail (including tons of SPAM) flows through the domain into my poor old little laptop (at dial up speed no less) and must be filtered here are the receiving end... I try to download mail at least once a day because the server only holds 10MB of mail and some days more than that in SPAM comes through... for instance, here is the count since yesterday:

website address SPAM count,
download 9:43 AM 2/28/05
1891 messages, 9.37MB

I don't know just why, but I've got Melissa Etheridge's Talking To My Angel on repeat this morning... it's a great song for me to sail away to when I am way past overtired and over it, that is, riding out to sea on the waves of frustrating challenges... an Eagles song comes to mind that has a similar effect, though the name slips my mind at this moment... songs slipping my mind, definitely the first sure signs of senility... it may be time to consider drugs again...

"don't be afraid... close your eyes... lay it all down... don't you cry... can't you see I'm going... where I can see the sun rise... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright... I've always had to run.... I don't know just why... desire slowly smoking... under the midwest sky... but there's something waiting out there... that says I got to try... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright... this town thinks I'm crazy... I just think I'm strange... sometimes they wanna own me... sometimes they wish I'd change... but I can feel the thunder... underneath my feet... when I sold my soul for freedom... it's lonely but it's sweet... don't be afraid... close your eyes... lay it all down... don't you cry... can't you see I'm going... where I can see the sun rise... I been talking to my angel... and he said that it's alright..."    ~ Melissa Etheridge

when I can do that... type out the complete lyrics to a song while listening to the song without pausing or going back to catch lyrics I missed... that's a sign... maybe I'm not so senile after all...

is it Wasted Time or Hotel California... or is it Jackson Browne's The Late Show... there's a song haunting me as the closing of this one repeats... the chord progression is so similar... the music is calling... and life... and love... and won't somebody walk with me... for I've come out of the blue and I took that walk alone... for so many years... out here on my own... and I want to share the journey... that's a dream I'm gonna keep... even if it takes forever... it's a dream that will not sleep...

and the mail download starts all over again after 23 minutes of steady download... I don't stress over it too much though because people who want to reach me can reach me... my telephone number is out here... and the diaryland address comes through without the SPAM... and there's always Gmail for the very few who noticed I had one...

I left this note for someone (go figure, in my sleep deprived state I am not sure just who I left it for, but I think it was dalyrical1... yes, it was... go wish her a happy birthday)... I think the note says something about me, kind of one of those secret scars that forever mar or alter a person, if you know what I mean... I wrote the note without thinking, so it needs clarification, I think, and I will alter it in an attempt to get closer to the truth in the wound it expresses...

it is still challenging for me to think "birthday" on some dates... dates that remind me of people lost in the maze of life, people I left my heart with and promises to always be there for them and now, not knowing where they are, the memories are painful... I feel I betrayed them, broke my promises... so I subconsiously shut down on and around certain dates...

the sad thing is when I meet new people who deserve birthday wishes who just happen to be born on or around those certain shut down dates, I am usually just waking up a week or few after their party and trying to come up with an honest, yet amusing way of sending genuine love and good wishes for a wonderful celebration of the day that brought the person into this world...

in this particular case, the dates are Feb 21, 22, and 23... three in a row, three different people I feel i've betrayed by losing touch and therefore not being there for them forever as I promised I would... easily a reason for my brain to shut down for a week or few...

but I still celebrate your being alive and try to let go of the past that interferes with the present and I trust you understand... being late to the party, I always hope I can get it going again because life, after all, deserves to be celebrated every day... especially yours... so Happy Every Day and yay for you being alive J

I didn't change the note too much, but I think it explains something about me better now... I have a personal calendar of memorial experiences, of beautiful sadness, or magic moments, of profound losses (can you find the two song titles in this sentence?)... and I can feel the thunder underneath my feet...

the jackhammers are jackhammering on the walls just outisde this apartment... ironic that they would re-start that noise today when I forced myself to stay awake and work an extra half shift because the management has alienated the entire health care workforce in Central Florida and can not find people to hire to fill spots that people are leaving because management has alienated them so well...

and yet, as much as this body and mind need sleep, there is some sort of magic going on that is not only keeping me awake, but it keeping me energized and on some cloud near cloud nine without any additional stimulants or drugs or chocolate, even... and just five hours ago, in my twelfth hour of work, I was nodding off so peacefully... and a few hours before that I did have some Code Red (for the first time in more than a week) and a chocolate chocolate chip cookie dough shake from Steak N Shake along with a meal... could the Code Red and sugar have resurged through my system after almost eight hours in spite of being ready to pass hour about five hours ago?...

magic is so much fun and so peacefully exciting and relaxing...

and it's so weird how a feeling will just come up from the core of me (where I am alive and well and awake and ever hopeful and optimistic and reborn each time I open my eyes) seemingly from out of nowhere (as it just did) to express my sweetest most endearing most persistent most relentless most comfortable and comforting and beautiful feeling dream of all that is as alive and well and real for me as it ever was in spite of the mostly dead or numbness or sour grapes or blues or warps or ambivalent or semi-detatched or perverse experiences and thoughts and emotions that wash over me at times... and it feels as beautiful as ever to believe with all I am in the possibility...

I can only guess it's kind of like the feeling of believing in God that true believers in God get when they reach an epiphany of faith... for my God (with a capital G) is love, Love, LOVE (cue the Beatles now)...

sometimes it is good to talk to my angel on repeat...

and sometimes it is even better to listen...

thank you, music...






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




.

.

.

.

.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

. . .

connections

.

.

.

.

AND WHATDYA MISS?
Laughing Lament
stranger brews
once upon a diaryland
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime�

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
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A Diaryland Survey
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(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
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gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

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brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
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