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(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

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real doll (p)
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send me some music
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2009-01-06 - 2:29 a.m.

tapping the rainbow


the entries start flowing again and the words pile up (or line up like impatient debutantes), waiting for the upload button to be pushed for them, and so many pass into the archives unnoticed... such is the life of the babbler in the written world... unless, of course, he/she finds a way to channel the bable into a commercially viable format like monty python or douglas adams... perhaps you need a british passport, or accept, at least...

anyway, i was pondering the relativity of life, how some seem settled in their routines with relatively permanent family connections and a wonderful web of social network and accepted (even treasured) obligations that were willing traded for freedoms and how some seem settled in a mobile life with limited or no permanent family connections or social network or meaningful relationships that are worth choosing obligations and one might envy the other at times, and in a few cases (like mine, perhaps?), the one truly does want the other experience, but circumstance brought the experience lived and that is enjoyed for its merit

these sort of ponderings were right out there in thereal (so some days i do not rush through the time having as much fun and meeting as many people as possible in the hope of finding one or few who truly relate and are close enough to my way to share, even partner up on the journey through life and some days i sit alone and ponder for a while

and some days i feel like a nut

in any case, this was pondered in thereal:

and even if you lived right here and read every word as i wrote it, you might not be here all the time and might miss an entry or few dozen as the words seem to be flowing at a higher rate every day lately... but that's the beauty of the archives, you can always catch up and get your fill if you want to :)

just returning from the gym, a more complete upper body workout and therefore only 22 minutes on the elliptical (including cool down) and i clocked two miles in just under 21 minutes, knocking almost three minutes off again... this was at the intermediate level of the total body workout and my arms were tired from the weight machines workout so i ought to be impressed, except for the fact that i am not...

but it's progress... meanwhile, i was considering a point in an earlier conversation about how some people, through choice or circumstance, are very settled in one place in one routine for many years (like parents who stay with their kids, for instance) and some people live more of a floating life, more ready or able to move on the winds of chance or whim (like a lifelong childless single person)... and while i am much more the latter than the former, i am also quite settled in the sense that i maintain connections with anyone who wishes to stay connected, continue to be supportive in many ways, and more than any other way, am very settled in words...

the concept of what being settled means brings me to ponder...

it seems to me that sometimes there is a direct association between settled and reliable in human conversations and minds... for the last ten years, here on the web, i've continued an almost daily routing of writing to you and to whomever cares, to my potential romantic partner, to potential true friends, to anyone who cares to read and know me... i maintain contact right here and certainly leave little mystery in how to find me, how to literally look me up and knock on my door... so on this level, i am much more available and settled in a routine of daily sharing than even the most physically settled among us...

so a bit of thereal a little deeper than the usual surface report of life as i live it, just to keep us on our toes and in case you might want to know and do not have time to read through all the babbling in RealTime and behind the candoor...

so maybe settled is not as obvious as it appears and i usually see it as the difference between being obligated to remain in a single physical place (or at least have challenges to moving to another place) as settled and being settled within one's self... i've known people who are very much in a settled daily routine in the same town in the same house for life, but still they are rather flighty in their interactions...

in the end, for me, settled is just be a state of mind and in spite of my apparent freedom in this physical life, i may be more settled than anyone i know... while this body i inhabit may have the apparent ease to roam, i am just sitting here waiting for the partner to share words, the space, and the journey :)


maybe, like i say in another recent entry, all the pondering comes from the fact that some days i wake up lonelier than others...

i dont want to settle for some one who doesnt understand me
i dont want to settle for someone who doesnt turn me on
its not all about me but i wouldnt want someone to settle for this either
lifes too short to settle for less when too soon we are gone

but i stay alone
because i want no part of the illusion
that only leads to confusion
the pretense that we are a perfect fit

i am alone
because relationships are so seldom real
it can take years to know how someone feels
people lie and i want no part of it

i know that in most cases the person is lying to his or herself
a self-fooled participant in proper etiquette
i seek someone not afraid to be honest on an open shelf
but i have not found this person yet

so i stay alone

maybe theres more, to be a song, theres more, and maybe ill write it someday so many rhymes and entries remain unfinished, as i leave as many decisions about myself and life undecided cuz i want to share the creation of a mutual-being, two becoming one, in a relationship and most probably think im just flakey :)

settle for nothing less than yourself and the one who will give to you what you give to her (or him) even if it seems nobody wants to give just as you give, or just what you give, hold out as long as possible, because somebody does

and when i am tired of waiting and feeling lonely
i force myself to remember how i want life and love (and her) to be
there are just too many people alive not to be a closer match, you see
i want to want her as much as she wants me


so settled into my beliefs and ways and dream am i that i accept the lonely wait as life, unwilling to chance my routine of hoping for the one, unwilling to give up my blind faith in love, unwilling to move on to a looser, easier, less compatible standards because i am so settled in knowing what i want so in this way, i am a stick in the mud a stick in the mud of love (somebody grab a crme pie)

nite nite :)






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