it's an animal attraction that brings us together tonight... see, I've decided it was time for me to discuss lust again, perhaps not in the same direct way that Smash might, but we all use the same blunt instruments in our own ways and I tend to playfully tease until just moments before it becomes agony and tickle in the hopes you'll forget you've been teased so unmercifully and if all goes well, quite suddenly, you are surprised because the tickling had distracted you from the fact that you are balanced precariously on the edge of bliss and maybe you beg to let go and fall over but if I am clever and wise, I catch you every time you leap and prolong the foreplay until you are ready to scream or pass out and then, maybe, you'll let go as you never have before...

sometimes I'm told that I am too playful...

and I have been to a garden party...

of course I am not always clever or wise and maybe occasionally play too much buffoon (thought somebody love a buffoon, I just know it) so it doesn't always work out as planned, but sometimes...

oh those precious sometimeses...

actually, I was looking at a picture that happens to fill my desktop at the moment, a shoulder shot, that is, just shoulders and face, a beautiful face, in fact, with a little bit of neck peaking out of a white peasant blouse and the touch of rhyme above (and the rest linked below) just slithered it's way out of my psyche when I wasn't looking, or actually, while I was staring...

sometimes I find a face that is inspiring... sometimes I find a face that is so inspiring that I want to see it a lot so I put it on my desktop... it's rare though... most of the time I keep my desktop background black... this is the third, maybe the fourth image I've chosen to put on my desktop all the years I've had computers... I almost married one of them... but most of the time visual inspirations are playful fantasies and almost always remain as such... I learned not to judge a book by it's cover when it comes to love, no matter how beautiful the cover, a long long time ago...

of course, being imperfect, I am prone to forget...

yeah, you might recall me mentioning Amy somewhere along the way... candora dedicated more than a few entries to her long after she was supposed to be a distant memory... I suppose you might say I obsess, but I call it falling in love... see, for me, because I can let go, the fall never ends...

and that's probably why I've fallen so few times in reality (as opposed to falling all the time in creative play and fantasy)... rare is the heart that can share all the love we've ever known and that's the only way for me... oh so rare is one who truly places unconditional love ahead of self-interest and therein renders powerless the follies of jealousy or possessiveness... and rarer still is one who can actualize unconditional trust in this physical world...

in fact, the picture I stared at longest of all in this life was Amy, though I have not seen my old photographs in more than ten years... many have shared my focus (or visual obsession, if you must add some bite to the passion) over the years... I suppose it's ironic (or simply no surprise) that so many of the faces that grab and hold my attention have been walking this planet for seventeen years because they is where my heart paused (was frozen - burning - exploding - most full) longest of all... and still, at it's core, my heart will never know a day past seventeen, for true love, by it's very definition and essence in my mind, can never actually be 'legal'...

all is fair in love...

most of my mush-driven love entries are over in candora (and before that in written gardens that may have some broken links on older servers at heartbeats and bios heart, neither of which is completed, though both have paused for some time, as have most of my writings, lingering still on some starry starry night)...

for me, those romantic heartbeats almost always override animal attractions cuz, well, it's just the way I am built (I built this body on rock and roll and romantic fantasies)... and I did learn my lessons well (at the garden party, remember?)... multiple partners never did it for me, nor does seeing more than one person at a time...

it has nothing to do with any sort of morality or rules as I believe in free love freer than most might imagine (beyond Heinlein's perspective, if you know what I mean), but I seek a partner who comes first and before all others most of all... if there are others, it'll be because she's interested in adding to us, sharing us, not because she is not satisfied with us...

I dream of finding the one who finds complete satisfaction in the us we create together without any doubts or insecurities or fears or possessiveness or guilt trips or jealousies or any sort of negative feelings because the love is so true, the trust so unconditional, that the permanence is so real, so secure, so infinite and eternal that anything goes and the most important thing to both of us is pleasing each other, balancing and creating a bliss that is us...

maybe I was descended from Don Quixote...

I know I live such a love, such a trust, such a security... I know I feel such an infinite eternity in my heart and energy (spirit, soul, anima, ka, whatever word we place on that ethereal energy we know exists within us on faith alone)... I believe every living thing can feel it if they do not let fear shut them down, if they allow their instincts and/or intellect to overcome all fear and realize there is no doubt about it, it is within us all...

this plastic world of competitive sound bytes and macho posturing is catering to the fears we should be intelligent enough to overcome, but even if we are not, we could still overcome them if we were not so arrogant in our temporary appearance of superiority...

we humans fool ourselves into believing we can tame the wild in this world... we fool ourselves into thinking we somehow have the right to harness nature any way we see fit... we use gods to justify our ridiculous attempts to negate, as if we can somehow rise above the natural order of life...

we close our eyes to the truth that is all around us - that nature has a balance and we are part of that balance, that all life flows within that balance, and that any life that upsets the balance too much will be eliminated by the forces of nature so that balance can be maintained...

even if you wish to believe in a God that does it, then look around and see the acts of God that prune the population when we over-populate, over-build, over-pollute, or create imbalance anywhere... the tsunamis, the storms, the diseases, even the wars we wage - all ways of maintaining the balance... and we pretend we can just continue creating the imbalance, as if we can control nature (or God's will)...

this planet is still sleeping as far as mankind is concerned...

we have not upset the balance quite enough to wake the true power of the planet (whether we call it nature or acts of God)... there are clues, artifacts from the past, remnants of past civilizations that remain mysteries to us because they have been so completely wiped from the face of the Earth...

and we think we're better, it won't happen to us...

but the way we treat the natural environment is just part of the artificial controls we try to place on natural phenomenon (or God's plan, if you will)... the way we treat our own bodies, our own instincts, our hearts - and each other - that is just as arrogant and self-destructive as any industrial polluter or resource raper or cruel dictator ever was...

that we can walk along and pass each other without so much as a glance, no less any eye contact or positive greeting... that we can repress our instinct for socialization, for friendship, to love and be loved, repressed so well that we believe we can call success living in cubicles, in cardboard or plaster or brick or steel and glass boxes, isolated from each other, hoarding all we can accumulate as if the one with the most stuff has the richest most successful life... that we can fool ourselves into believing our feelings, our passions, our instincts are somehow wrong, dirty, even make them illegal... that we can accept going completely against the very balance of nature (and God) that insures our survival as a species...

this is our most harmful folly, the most tragic choice of our free will...

fear has grown into institutions so integrated in our cultures that we base most of our decisions in life on fear and forget love even exists... fear is the repression of energy, the defensive posture, the fight or flight instinct... we have so empowered this instinct that it's become all we know, all we see, all we feel... so that when the instinct to love rises from wherever we buried it, we are shocked, uncertain what to do, even feeling guilty for experiencing such a positive anti-fear instinct and emotion...

fear and love are polar opposite energies that feed unto themselves... both are cumulative... both increase exponentially as the collective consciousness of two or more believes in them and actualizes them... we have nurtured fear for most of human history so that we have forgotten how to trust or truly believe in anything else... we have forgotten that love is an even stronger energy than fear... and the few who did not forget along the way are as held up as saints and saviors or cut down as charlatans or witches or devils...

I seek no saint or savior, no witch or devil, but a simple heart that knows love is the way to conquer fear, a simple mind that knows doing it is the way to live the most fulfilled and successful life...

honest love, true love, unconditional love... I trust it unconditionally... I trust it without fear or doubt... I trust it securely... and it lives within me...

and above all else, to do no harm...

and I share it as much as I am able... and my dream for this life is to find a partner who can and will share it with me, therein increasing it exponentially and being able to share it all the more with anyone who will accept it... anyone who is not too buried in fear...

this is beauty and sometimes I believe I see it in someone's eyes, in the way they smile or frown, in their expressions, their posture, their movements... I see it most in children and with ever passing year I see more and more fear replace the love...

this is the saddest experience I know...

I see it everywhere and to varying degrees, in everyone, and in myself too often of late... it is the antithesis of life, the consumer of love... most deny, some accept, many try to laugh it off... it comes in many forms, from passive apathy, procrastination, distraction... to more active defensive postures, anger, hostility, cruelty... it permeates our culture in arts, sciences, religions, politics, and while it might seem benign, it is a malignancy that eats away at the fiber of our being, at the fabric of our humanity, at the love we could have made...

and still I hold out hope that there is someone who continues to actualize the choice to love as I do... not another child to adopt, but someone who shares life experiences earned only through time... age is not as much a factor as the experiences of life, passing through some experiential milestones that secure independence, confidence, humility, a real maturity, integrity, conscious awareness, and security... a real faith in the true love and trust within self... some reach there when they are very young, I did, and some who choose to buy into the fears never reach it in this life...

but didn't I start this entry out thinking that it was an animal attraction that brings us together tonight?...

hmmmm, the playboy of the western world is foiled again by this heart that beats in this chest... all the potential lust driven thoughts I might have had earlier (past reviews by libido often end up in perversions or here, mixed in, casually but deliberately, with reflections on fear-driven confusions that I've observed or experienced in my journey in search of true love through this fear-driven world) seem to be laughing at me now (and I am laughing right back as the playfulness only increases as the dream of love becomes more true)...

ah, but while libido lusts from every pore in this body and while some of my thoughts are clearly genital-driven, for me, the true animal attraction I feel starts in the heart of the mind and then, moves through the eyes, the lips, the face, the posture, the fingers, the toes, hands, the feet, up the legs, down the arms, and then into the heart of the body... if the desire makes it from the head and all extremities to the torso, the heart beats quicken, the breathing heightens, the abs tighten, the butterflies flutter, and the groin feels the surge of energy (and blood) from every cell in the body...

this is how I feel it, how I see it, how I experience and share it...

the animal instinct, the physical love, the stardust...

so in the end, it is not blindly that I playfully roam a body from head to toe exploring every follicle and cuticle before I circle closer and closer to the most sensitive skin... and as much as I play, it is not fear or embarrassment, not awkwardness or uncertainty that creates a long and winding path for my eyes, my hands, my lips, or my most sensitive skin along a partner's body toward the meeting of eyes, hands, lips, and most sensitive skin for a mutual ultimate climax... it is the way I am built, the way I think and feel and experience love...

and on this journey from hello to ultimate love, to cosmic embrace, I open myself to the natural energy in life, I reach out and feel all the love everywhere without fear, the energy of stars burn through the passions of the flesh and the life force, whatever it may be called, completes it's journey from one end of the universe to the other through us...

every secret of the universe (or quniverse), every smallest bit and grandest scheme of things, every invisible part and master plan comes together in the last few moments of unconditional love and trust as we connect with each other and everything and experience a moment of that infinite eternity, whatever we call it all, nature, God, love...

and there, beyond words, beyond need for explanation or reason or justification or permission - beyond need for anything but the feeling shared, we know why we are here, what life is about, and how the universe works...

and we make love...

and become one with stardust...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)