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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-10-20 - 7:38 p.m.

shots of the real


yeah, well, if the truth be told then this would probably be the entry that followed the 101 Things entry, but then again, the truer truth would correct this to reveal that the next entry would actually be the entry that immediately followed the 101 Things entry, but the next entry being another 202 Things, it didn't seem right to follow the 101 Things with another list of things entry immediately... read: respect for the luva...

so anyway, this entry was written just waking one of the days this past week... Wednesday, I think... given this much detail of actual RealTime you might be distracted enough to be unprepared for the tone of the following entry, but then again, the reverse might also be true, I might have undermined the tone of the following entry by opening with so much reality (and to know as close to the real real as it can get, you know you need to be here)... whatever happens, this is it (don't be scared now):


waking groggy (but not really waking as I know waking to be)... it's been this way for a while now, with various degrees of waking each time I get out of bed (the rare times I actually get in it to sleep)... and the bloatedness that I used to so love after eating a huge delicious meal doesn't go away like it used to... and then there's mental stuff...

that is, stuff on my mind...

like the fact that my blood pressure is high every time it's taken (and I don't use the thing I bought to check it myself, but others take it and it's high when they do)... and I'm on this blood pressure med and the doctor keeps increasing the dosage and I don't like that at all so psychologically I am hating having to be dependant on a medication (and it doesn't seem to be working too well, probably cuz I'm so dang stubborn)...

am I gonna die?...

and (another mental distraction) the doctor has been not liking the results of blood tests (pointing at my liver and shaking her head from side to side) (my liver keeps suggestinmg that it is not polite to point, but my doctor is a stubborn woman who doesn't mind breaking a few social conventions now and then) and is repeating the tests for the fourth or fifth time, at least, this week and on Friday we'll talk again...

maybe schedule more in depth tests at the hospital...

I wouldn't mind if I didn't feel like physical crap so much of the time and what strikes me most profoundly at this very moment (inspiring this rather depressing paragraph) is that I am finally realizing (and almost accepting, maybe) that the reborn feeling I used to get when I opened my eyes after actually sleeping is not around...

am I dead?...

so I walk out of my room and the TV is on in the living room and nobody's watching, but Precious walks back into the room after a few minutes and Rasputin walks in a bit later and I see they are semi-watching Friends reruns again and I wonder how many times in a year the same show can be viewed as if it was never seen before...

and they both leave the room and leave the TV on (which is a frequent habit around here in spite of Raspy mentioning just the other day that he wanted to change his habits as he actually turned off the kitchen light) as if I am watching too... then they come and go as if they are watching...

and except for the fact that I pay the electric bill and the TV offers nothing inspiring, I'm kinda used to the TV dronning on and on and most days when I wake up awake, as opposed to waking groggy, I just ignore it... I looked for my headphones, my wireless ones, and remembered that Precious took them into her room a few months ago and I haven't seen them since...

no escape...

so I click on my diary and see another comment and there's a smile and I click on comments and see my favorite sippy in the whole world and I feel loved and wonderfuil and wanted and on top of the world... that only lasts a moment though, being that Marvin is visiting this waking groggy mood, in case you didn't notice... I clicked on sippy's site and see two, not one, but two new entries...

where have I been?...

and I realize that I missed my chance to forever be adopted by my dear sippy because I was way late responding to her call for a Grampa Hubaboo and then I realized that I am well on my way to being a dirty old man because my first thought about being Grampa Hubaboo was dang, I wonder if she's ok with incest" and I then realized I was as ridiculous as ever so I was not actually dead, just waking groggy with a heavy dose of the marvins, which was a relief...

but then I realized that I could not listen to sippy's videos because the TV was on and my headphones were gone and this ancient desktop (circa 1998?) had poor sound quality to begin with and the marvins giggles with glee in that way that only the marvins can giggle cuz they had me again...

so there's sippy with two video entries I haven't seen and a contest I didn't enter and I feel like I've been gone from the world for a year (time is weird when waking groggy) and feel all left out of everything (the show, Friends, has been know to exacerbate the lonelies when they swarm as they may be doing in my head at the moment even if I am not awake enough to actually know what they heck is going on in my head at the moment)...

oh dear, the lonelies and the marvins...

and I have seven other comments, seven (exclamation), that I've yet to respond to in my comments (so I feel like I am neglecting you wonderful commenters, though I think I remember leaving a note or comment for a few of you in your written worlds) and...

I remember the phone ringing a lot a waking me... I don't think I actually got deep sleep... I connected the house phone a couple of weeks ago and it rings a few times a day, at least... I let the answering machine answer, but it still wakes me if just for a moment... it pulls me out of deep sleep... and the messages, when there are messages, are junk mail...

must register now...

this sort of waking up is worse than waking up groggy... usually waking up groggy is accompanied by waking up giddy cuz it's fun to be groggy when I am reborn and alive and me... it feels like I went to sleep and woke up as not me... I don't know who this not me person is, but I don't like him, much...

I drank water...

last night was the first night in quite a while (weeks, probably) that I did not drink any sugar or caffeine drink and I also ate oatmeal instead of the junk I've been eating for weeks (months?) much more often than anything healthy and that is mostly why I crashed moments after I got home from work, but I should be awake now because it's at least eight hours later... nine even... maybe ten... the phone definitely did not help...

rrrrrrring...

I did have a very great dream about masturbating with someone I found adorably sensual... actually, it was a first time with her (yes one of those first time fantasies I have all the time... what can I say, I simply loved all of my innocent unrequited-but-climaxing first times) and we were exploring whether we wanted to actually be together physically and we were spooning and she was too much of a physical turn on to spoon without a penile reaction and my fingers slipping an inch or two under the waistband of her clothes did not help at all (or did, depending upon her decision about whether we should share physical sensuality) but we both pretended that we were not turned on (like kids do sometimes, maybe) and she went to take a shower and I continued dreaming within the dream and felt her pressed up against me (yes, my shorts were moist when I woke) and then I went to explore the house and passed the bathroom where she was standing in the shower and masturbating and her bottom was just as much a turn on as I thought it would be when I first saw it with clothes on and I woke up...

mmmmmm...

and certainly more information than you asked for...

but this is the life and black and white and sometimes I don't distract myself into babbling bliss... and even that previous paragraph and the dream experience that it describes that does not help me now as the groggy lonelies seem to be smothering me with dark thoughts of being too old for the energy level I know myself to be me at and the love and romance I live for and any minute not my head will explode or my heart will implode cuz surely fear of stroke or miocardial infarction shall follow me for the rest of my days what with my doctor wanting to check me up so often and reading those ominous blood tests over and over again and the pills reminding me that I am old and dying and the lethargy consuming hope and motivation and...

and that semi-vow that I almost made the last time I returned library stuff late last week and paid the ridiculous sum about keeping in touch with my account (since I have it right here online) and not letting things expire and accumulate past due fees anymore seems to have not worked (maybe cuz it was just a semi-vow that I almost made and not an actual vow that I made) because I just checked the account that I told myself to check last night and the night before and I find that five of the DVDs I took out are not renewable and they are due today and anything returned after closing today is recorded returned tomorrow which would make these five DVDs a day late at a dollar a day oh well...

I realize that the apathy about daily life is getting more serious and the BS I ignore is getting deeper and I misplaced my snorkel...

oh joy...

of course waking groggy and falling into the cleverly laid trap that the marvins and the loinlies (I mean lonelies, but the typo is definitely a message from my subconscious) set for me (eventually I will realize that I set it for myself because I must go through the darkest part of the mess I made of myself in order to clean up the mess and the fact that I actually passed on breakfast at McDonald's with Berry and Bert and other work people this morning after actually taking oatmeal into work and actually eating it {as opposed to leaving it in my bag and eating some delivery greasy stuff} and drinking only water and trying to get a full day sleep {as opposed to staying awake to read and write and eventually ask where the morning went} which is the actualized first step in taking the life in this body serious again and hopefully I will continue, but don't tell me cuz I'm not supposed to know yet because if I knew I'd be prepared and couldn't trick myself into starting back on the healthy road because the marvins and the lonelies both feed the apathy and the ambivalence and the self=destructive tendencies that encourage me to overeat and be lazy and give up, ok?), but I'm not supposed to know that right now...

nevermind...

the mail brought in a new book, Stephen King, The Colorado Kid... I could have sworn he said he's be not writing again for a while after finishing The Dark Tower series... maybe I missed it where he said he'd be returning to his roots and writing 40's crime short stories?... I looked through the book to find his author's notes that are more like a personal letter from him where he usually tells about the writing and how he is and what his plans areand such and found nothing personal in the note, just story related stuff... that's not the Stephen King I've known and loved for years... I wonder if this is a story written by someone else under the name Stephen King... he didn't mention his last book-letter or the pause he planned or why the pause was not paused... he didn't mention anything... I feel cheated...

and the cover looks like one of those cheesy romance novels...

obviously I woke in a rather strange mood beyond being waking groggy with the marvins and lonelies and whatever else is passing for thought somewhere between my ears...

so I went to the gym...

and I return feeling deader than ever, though not because of the results on the life fitness machine's screen... it was sad that I've dropped to 503 calories burned and 2.69 miles in a thirty minute workout at levels 10-16 (15 for the first five minutes, then 13 for a minute, then 12, then 16 for two minutes, then 13-15 for five minutes, then 12 for three minutes, then 16 for a minute, 13 for a minute, then 12 for two minutes, than 13 for five minutes, then 10 for a minute or two, than 15 for a minute, then 10 for a minute... phew), but after the lack of working out I've done for the past year, I'm happy that I didn't keel over and die...

I did take my cell phone just in case I needed to call 911...

now go figure... I did not actually get to the gym the other day when I was so profoundly inspired by Alex so all my fantasies about beautiful bodies inspiring me to get into shape because they are so beautiful and might work sometimes, but not when it really matters cuz I do not work out to be attractive to beautiful bodies and tonight proves it...

not that I don't find Alex attractive (or Sippy either... on the contrary, I'd melt in either of their arms if they were opening them to me and that kind of semi-superficial is easy to find on the net, though their unique sense of humor is not... I am just a little more realistic than my libido might be, yeah, just a little... hey, I'm not supposed to be laughing at myself, I'm waking groggy with the marvins and the lonelies, remember?)...

alas, I am a selfish guy, I finally head back to the gym for no apparent reason other than waking groggy and not knowing what I was doing and therefore able to walk right past the marvins and the lonelies and the apathy and procrastination and ambivalence and self-pity and self-destructive tendencies and whatever else inspires me to reach for a donut and sit around rather than reaching for a carrot and getting back to running every day...

wow, did I do that?...

shhhh, did what?...

but all libido fantasies and addictions to clever writers and great ideas aside, I love you... yes you, and you too... and yes, you doubting that I meant you, you too... and I hope you will accept that because you deserve it... it is true... I hope you will believe it, or believe it someday if you do not believe it now...

and I do feel the residual inspiration from Alex's entry (thank you) that inspired my previous entry and I do feel the inspiration that Sippy provided by being so irreverently clever that she seems to be able to make the sleepy kid who is bored with most of everything laugh (thank you) and I do feel the inspirations from you dear commenters who are so much more important to me than I can say and while they are not link-ready in my mind at the moment, I do feel the inspirations many others of you who I do not link right here in this paragraph of appreciation...

and now I must head to work...






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