again i don�t recall (or maybe don�t want to� laziness or creativity or both, who cares if nobody reads it, right?... ah, but i know you�re out there somewhere listening to the moody blues and harry chapin and free to be you and me and some strange sounds that no one else hears, which is what makes us uniquely compatible, even if we never tell each other, which makes us something else entirely, but may fall somewhere on the other side of so lonesome i could cry or beyond love {matt johnson of the the, i mean} if you ever gravitate to me like you�re supposed to� he was crazy, of course, fr0om the first she must have known it, but still she went on with him and she never once had shown it)�

what follows is the remnants and excerpts and stolen moments from RealTime� whether we like it or not� one little boy�s desperate attempt to call out to the world for attention in the hope that someone might actually come to know him someday� beyond love?... so far, it�s beyond hope, but there is always hope, cuz i hope�

and once upon a time, remembering, get real with what you feel was once the theme of a website i started creating about ten years ago and i wonder if i ever got there and one of the prevailing questions was is it really hard core getting real or is it just self-pity? and a question came to mind just tonight that took me back to that theme... your answer is only as valuable as you make it, if you make it at all�

simply, the query begins like this...

if i am a person of value, a person worth knowing and loving, then why am i alone...

and then, it (the query) continues to ponder why no one cares enough to tell others of my potential, value, worth, so i might actually connect with someone...

so reality tells me (or would logically suggest) that i am not the worthwhile partner i think i am... reality shows me that nobody thinks i am any sort of good catch or person someone else really should meet... so i am not special, not impressing anyone as a good partner, provider, lover, friend, whatever... cuz if i was anything worth knowing, i'd be connecting with others through people who know me and find value in me...

not that i am looking to be set up on dates or any such ridiculous expectation rituals that humans seem to demand of each other (such as the desperate ones who can not stand being alone and out of a relationship for more than a week without a total meltdown of self-esteem and sanity)... i have been alone a decade and am quite insanely me without desperation or the neediness that would have gotten me into a one night stand or crappy relationship long ago� i am mostly happy that i do not have family demanding conformity (they are all long gone, quite disappointed in how i turned out based on their expectations and standards, and gave up on me long ago) expecting me to marry and provide children for their pleasure and normalcy... but the introductions of any kind simply do not happen to me...

is everyone i know just selfish and either wants me alone so they can have my attention or are they selfish keeping any potential compatible friend or partner to themselves or are they just not caring if i ever partner or are they just seeing no worth or value in me and would not recommend me to anyone... or do they just think i want it this way in spite of my messages in bottles to the one and rhymes of dreams of love and partnership and the rest� the fact is, that particular part, that nobody recommends me to anyone else, is the reality of life and has been for a long long time...

great fuel for a pity party, to be sure, however i don't feel like i am feel sorry for myself at the moment (and i am a professional at throwing pity-parties (as you may know too well already, aye?... blues?... who me?)... so what's up... or wrong... what stops people who know me from recommending me to others as a friend or even as a potential relationship partner, no less life partner?...

maybe it's the music...

or the sarcasm :)

maybe it is because i am genuinely so happy that people think i need no relationship, lover, or� maybe they think i must have someone to share life daily because in their minds i could not be so happy if i was alone and i'd be so lonely and mention it to them daily like so many of them do... or is that just a facade i wear so well that people do not realize i am lonely and want someone to love (should i wear the queen song lyrics on a t-shirt every day?)... or maybe nobody cares about who i am or how i feel or what i want or what i do or knowing me at all...

huh? :)

so hard core reality is i am alone and nobody is interested in coming closer, knowing me better, sharing intimacy, or even introducing me to someone who might be compatible... and self-pity is crying boo hoo hoo all the way home like one of the little piggies... or something like that... pity the fool who understands and does nothing about it, aye?...

so what else is new? :)

any ideas? :)

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)