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last---past---next---now



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(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

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real doll (p)
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PO BOX 780398
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send me some music
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2008-12-05 - 2:08 a.m.

cuz it is easier to cheat


it really was no miracle, what happened was just this... i wrote a whole lot of words somewhere else and copied and pasted them here and slipped in a few additional asides as if that makes it less cheating (but for the purists, we know, both ways, the value of the modified texted and the cost of cheating, balance is found if we want it... and we do so want it if you are with me)... the thing is, i forgot what i already borrwed and what i didn't so this might be even more redundant than ever before...

can it get more exciting than this sort of literary russian roulette?... wait, did i mean sarcastic when i typed exciting?... wait, did i mean to be taken seriously?... wait, who am i asking, anyway?...

you there?...

so i napped, according to the history left for posterity... i supposed the word napped, being in the past tense, infers that i woke, unless of course the word is used in such a way to state i did not wake from my nap, such as napped and never woke again or died while he napped, which could make the claim of obvious inference an assumption, but then, we are bored if we are slicing the language that thin (grammar nazi in the house?)... did anybody say obvious inference?...

did anybody say anything?...

yes, well, obviously i am awake again (again with the obviously, is anything really obvious?)... even more to the point, i am bored... a dream woke me, which makes the second time in recent memory, probably the second time this year and longer, and it was another less than pleasant dream, another violation of personal space and privacy situation... a homeless guy with obvious (ahem) provocation issues was using a similar physical passive aggressive approach as the guy in the other dream that woke me... in either case, it was legal battery, however the police tend to overlook it and respond only if the victim reacts in a more aggressive manner, which most victims of passive aggressive physical battery do... the law is so chauvinist and warped for man's preferences and weaknesses that it's virtually worthless unless severely violated... but that's another story, obviously... i wonder if the concept of the dream is borne of repressed memories of some childhood abuse returning to haunt me... r/o ptsd?...

what?...

who knows if i am serious... your punishment for not being right here next to me is i never tell... until i tell, obviously, but then, sometimes i just don't want to tell cuz it's more fun to keep secrets... there's got to be something to make it worth it for the one to actually want to be next to me instead of living life somewhere else and just being the one ethereally, right?... oohhhh. am i getting like some sort of serious or heavy or deep tonight or something?...

if only you were... existed, i mean...

whatever, it's night time now and my circadian rhythm wants me to stay awake all night and do something fun... since the world is pretty unanimous about sleeping all night (except where commercial incentives are present, like vegas, for instance), i am alone again and from the human standpoint, naturally... thank you gilbert o'sullivan...

music?... yes i am listening again... you?...

ok then, so yes, it is night and i just woke we've established that, i suppose, so i suppose it is becoming obvious?... obviously?)... i thought i might sleep through the night, but that dream woke me (rare second time in the past month, aye?... maybe it really is time to get my head shrunk?... but who could possibly handle that task around here, or anywhere for that matter... the line forms at the door) and i want to share, play, do something fun, party, or something like that... but i am alone, as usual for this century, so i write...

alone?... me?... with you out there?... pishaw...

so in the company of strangers asking questions that nobody ever hears, did you see my latest quotable personal bio-wisdom?... it's at the bottom of (e)thereal and balances the concept of the patheticness of the life online syndrome with patheticness of the vegetative tv zombie syndrome and offer's my alternative... i fill the web with words when all the world's asleep cuz no one stays awake with me (peter, john, james, or anybody, ya know?) and rather than sleep more than necessary alone, i do what i love to do nobody is around, i write... it's the next best thing to sharing, after all (obviously?... well, it is obvious to a writer, and i don't mean just published writers, i mean anyone who knows or has felt the draw of words {get it?... draw words?} , the urge for literary expression, the compulsion to write... maybe it's something in the social genes or maybe it's a synaptic loop or some other explanation that would make sense to those who require rational reasons for everything, but for those of us who write, we know we don't have to know or understand, we just do it)...

maybe you had to be there... or here... anybody?...

the written language is a relatively recent phenomenon, after all... i mean, just a few thousand years, probably much less, and along about four hundred years ago languages were still just forming in europe and as far as this usa english i use, it's what?... probably less than a century old, so we are pioneers creating written language as we use it... heck, my peculiar brand may be something historians will refer to as a major change (downfall, perhaps, but then, who knows) in the written language of humanity, or at least for usa english... but there i go with those darn delusions of grandiosity again... silly boy, the rock's been perched up there for a hundred thousand years...

thank you harry... and you?...

so in the end, like the beatles, i just came by to wave hello in case you were up late too and wanted to talk... i mean anybody, not just the one...not that i want to talk on the phone, cuz my brain definitely wants to play much more than the phone can offer, so if you call please expect me to be playing something else on the net or in physical space while you are on speaker... the phone is definitely too restrictive for the hands and especially if i must hold it to an ear... but i'll never know when some nearby neighbor stumbles across my babbles and decides it is finally time to knock on the door, even after midnight...


...pause to anticipate the eerie chills of a knock...

.

.

.

.

.

no such luck, alas, of course, naturally, obviously, we live within human rules, after all... but i am out here waving at you anyway, so if you understand, you can drop a few words of support and whatever any way you'd like, or just smile and let me know we exist after midnight, even if the human rule says all god's children should be home in bed, chaste and pure and fast asleep... i am obviously on the wrong planet...

oooo, almost like a radio play...

this is (was, perhaps, but where were you?... and are you here now?... where?... hello... hello... hello... and so on)... the real, my way... especially on a day off where vegetation took precedence over any other activities... you know, here i sit so all alone, nobody to talk to, a silent phone, or something like that... i wrote it in my infancy, for the few who might remember... whippoorwills must be about tonight (as are understatements, aye?... thanks for caring)...

wow, sarcasm, but was it obvious?...

how about my laughter?...

so it comes down to this once again... believe it or not, care or not, know or now, whatever or not, i am so dang independently secure (yeah, more than ever) that i suck at this lonely days stuff even when i am feeling a profound bout of the lonelies drowning me... i just imagine growing gills and swimming around with the fish and whatever else might be under the sea... the weightlessness of under water life would be a great relief from gravity, actually... but i am lonely, dammit, lonely as i've ever been (and as a few of you may know, i have been powerfully lonely in this life)... i don't feel as mostly dead as i used to though, so the lazy pity party isn't coming, just the silly babble pretending there's no way out of some imaginary death-trap deep dark abyss of depression or something (ever wonder what lives in the black holes?)...

boo...

but somebody must hear me and understand and be feeling alone like this... maybe i am just not reaching enough of the seven billion people on the planet... obviously, but even more obviously, i am probably not beaming my personal energy and identity into space for the other planetary peoples to find... but i don't get invited to the interplanetary parties much anymore... they must have taken my depressive whining seriously or something and mistaken me for a human... omigosh, what have i done?... no wonder i feel like a who on this planet shouting out i am here i am here i am here over and over again... where's my horton when i need him?... a space horton, obviously...

there's always hope?... who said that? :)

so what else is new?... maybe i'll wander down for a rare trip to the gym (after being off work for six days, i decide it might be a good time for a 2am visit to the gym on the night i am to return to work... can there be any more obvious signs of the rebel-child being alive and kicking in me?)... yeah, i am obviously going through a phase that few have experienced with me, i think... the child inside is testing the limits again and it gets more dangerous with each passing year... does anybody care, he silently ponders as he looks out on the world from the top of some precarious cliff, balanced ever so casually as if the fall will be just another adventure...

what are you staring at?...

the other day i was reading the thelemapedia today and was reminded of the last words attributed to Rabelais "I am off to a great perhaps" (or something like that) but most of all, was reminded of the folly of human minds attempting to control other human minds through ritual and rules of behavior and even more ridiculous, through rules of thought, as if the individual human mind could not (or should not) think for itself... as much as there are valuable lessons in the words of every written path, the inevitable conflicts and detrimental effects of such loyalties and enemies, inclusions and exclusions, and complexities of rules divide and weaken the doctrine and therein, the human experience... but as i seek someone to play with and ultimately, when sleep comes, to curl up with tonight, we all seek what we feel we need at any given moment in life... i still laugh with the concept and wonder of R's quote though... and now, this entry is obviously a classic, even though i didn't mention shakespeare...

obviously...

maybe i meant obliviously?...

well, tomorrow is another workday, so have fun :)






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