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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-04-09 - 3:43 a.m.

some personal ponderings


I threw this entry back in time for some reason, maybe to try to keep old demons away, maybe to distance today from the parting of friends, maybe just cuz I like to play with the time line and confuse calendars (and those dependant upon them)...


maybe just to take a deep breath...


sometimes the life and death of the life gets hard core and no matter how full of wonder and excitement for life I am I must pause to suck in some air as people around me deal with their losses and I am reminded of my own... and at times like this the material world can be unavoidable as bills and credit ratings are for real and money makes the world go round is not just an old show tune... and this is one of those moments (hopefully it passes quickly)...

Berry flew in from Washington (State) because her brother died and it was great to see her, but I wish it was under different circumstances... and they are encouraging me to move up there (Bellingham, I believe) and after years of not finding what I am looking for (still) in Orlando, FL, I find myself tempted more and more to try somewhere else... but Ive never been poorer in this life and relocating anywhere costs...

then I look up and realize that in the past month I saw my checking balance drop more than $5000... it really sucks because I was approaching the point where splurging a couple of thousand on a computer and audio video system was becoming a more real possibility... but there was $1400 for a year of storage for stuff I last saw in the early nineties and have been paying that much each year to store and who knows how much of it is still salvageable as the place is not climate controlled and yet I want to unpack before I let go of the potential for the sharing the stuff with a partner (or selling the stuff on eBay and garage sales or something like that)...

and I dream a bass will join me...

and then there was $1000 to the electric company because I keep forgetting to pay the bill and its probably killing my credit rating and I want to make sure I am ahead of the billing cycle by a couple of months... and then theres been chunks of a hundred or few tossed here and there... too much eating out and ordering in... too much treating others to meals... and then $600 or so to Rasputin for his trip to the Ukraine because his car broke down just before he left... and hundreds to feed Precious while he was gone... a few hundred for concert tickets and merchandise...

and then I loaned Bert and Berry another $900 to help them get settled...

and then theres Minnie... shes in crisis again (pockets empty, no jobs, three mouths to feed)... she needed more money... though the good news is she just found a job... the challenge is that the job is here in Orlando and she and her family (three) live about two hours away and they don't have gas money for the travel... here at casa de candoor we are already seriously challenged for space and privacy and sleep time with three different sleeping shifts and adding more would give each of us even less sleep and privacy, so I'm torn between finding a few thousand to help them into an apartment or asking Rasputin and Precious if they'd mind if they stayed here a while (it would definitely be very challenging) for all of us because the layout of the apartment is such that the living room is the thoroughfare to the kitchen and all bedrooms)... and did I mention the dog? (this apartment management would want major pet fees and extra deposits up front and they are snoopy enough to notice and hard enough to add penalties or evict)...

and none of them clean up after themselves...

there's a whole lot of stuff in my head but simply no time or place to get it out these days and it's coming to a point where I may have to make some changes in my habits in this space as trying to write in the living room is getting more and more challenging with Precious home as much as she is... she's always home looking for my attention these days because she doesn't drive and school's out and her best friend () works almost full time and has a boyfriend... I'm not sure about her other friends (I think most are working this summer), but she doesn't seem to do anything with them... and ultimately, she's lazy so it could be that she'd rather sit home on the computer or watch music videos or other TV than do anything else (she did put off looking for a job until after school ended and refused to consider half the jobs out there... but she's not spoiled, right?... heck, she won't even clean up when her dad asks repeatedly or even like pick up after herself... I wonder if she is indicative of teens these days {at least in the US} because I've seldom met someone as lazy as her, but I've pretty much learned to live with the mess they make since her dad has similar habits)...

but finding quiet time at the computer may have to wait until school starts and may rarely happen on weekends unless I get a laptop or computer and shut myself in the bedroom or... I suppose I could just get back to focusing better and ignoring the TV (even though music is on, which is much better than the reruns)... once again I remind myself that nobody decide what I do or where my focus is so pointing fingers at my roommates is a waste of time and just a stupid way of trying to excuse my own lack of focus and laziness... but at least I do clean up after myself most of the time...

bottom line is I am bugged cuz of the financial stressors...

and I wonder if I will ever be comfortably extravagant again (as I was for most of my adult life while I had a partner who kept me from getting tied up with people who just kept draining my wallet without giving anything back to the wallet... I suppose I must accept the possibility that I actually need someone to protect me from myself cuz it seems that people who need find me everywhere I go)...

still, there is balance inside...

that old precarious balance...

how far back that goes... there was a tape once, the precarious balance, lost to the thief of Toronto who stole my heart and the accessories that inspired me to keep believing in love and life and humanity and reminded me who I am and kept my heart beating through years of strife and challenge...

the expressions of myself, stored in words and music so I can remind myself in cathartic detail when I wake up from the healing sleep... each number represents a mix tape (and yes, once there were many hundreds I made)... one day I hope to link these numbers to not just their respective song lists (at least the ones I can remember), but to the music itself...

just the tip of the memory brings back 54, 62, 65, 72, 87, 95, 103, 115, 116, 117, 151, 165, 166, 168, 169, 185, 199, 251, 254, 256, 265, 285, 286, 287, 288, 290, 295, 296, 299, 300, 301, 302, 305, 306, 316, 354, 356, 366, 367, 389, 390, 391, 392, 395, 400, 401, 402, 405, 454, 455, 456, 457, 458, 462, 467, 468, 485, 487, 488, 489, 490, 491, 492, 493, 494, 495, ...

memories...

$priceless






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