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last---past---next---now



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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2004-12-26 - 4:14 a.m.

ok, start again


you ever get the feeling that the whole universe is against you, I mean, not pure flat out ignorant paranoia, but the specific idea that the energy of the universe (or fates or gods or whetaver) put a wall up right in front of you when you were just about to take a step in the direction you've always wanted to go... or worse, pushed you back after you got your foot in the door of a place you always wanted to get into and shut the door on you?... like everything is against you, get it?...

well, it's quite depressing... overwhelming sometimes... it deflates all the tires on the vehicle that carries around thoughts and inspirations... it breaks the wings off the bird that flies your hopes and dreams into actualized reality... it buries alive the passion, suffocates the belief in goodness, tears away the strength and confidence and security that allows life to be fun and rewarding and...

it sucks...

and there's nothing left to say or do... just an empty helpless hopeless feeling of futility... and it can feel nearly impossible to go on, to try again...

but here goes anyway, ok?

a-hem...

I was trying to thank you... for the notes and all the other ways you reach out... I was naked, felt more exposed than I ever felt here in words... it felt so good...

I read a bunch of entries and then read your notes and other words you sent to me in other ways... and I was inspired to tell you the truth... in fact, I boldly entitled it something like

maybe it's just the truth...

I started out by contemplating how easily I push people away by just keeping my mind open and letting everything pour out without cnsidering much how it might sound to anyone else... I mean, I realize that most people are all tied up inside, confused by desires that conflict with the rules of society and doubts and fears, many of which they do not understand because they really make no sense, but they have bought into them anyway cuz they were taught what is right and wrong and don't do much independent thinking about much of anything...

and I thanked you, my dear readers... in fact, I started the entry out with the formality of an opening address just like:

Dear something-something readers...

the something-something was praise and appreciation, but I forget just which words I used... and since I am being sincere here and as honest as I can be given the excrutiating pain of losing what I felt were near perfect words and fear it might happen again, I do not want to just choose any old words and pretend I can re-create that moment of pure unadulterated uninhibited honest open sincerity...

hopefully this is making sense to you...

and I was in my place inside (a place I so seldom visit... in fact, I doubt I visited myself in the last few years since coming to Dland... maybe I got close a few times in a few entries here and there, maybe over in candora, but I dunno)... I felt the perfection I know as security as ready for life as death or anything in between or beyond... it's that sort of thing or concept that people go up to mountain tops and sit for fifty years all by themselves to find... or something like that...

I was thanking you with just the right amount of truth and humor and sincerity and irreverence and passion and poise to find the exact words to give me the feeling that the words coming out were representing precisely who I am...

imagine losing those words...

I don't wanna...

away, damn doubt and self-pity, I was coming back to the light and don't want darkness right now...

. . .

where were we?...

starting again... in the same child-like refrain from several different Broadway shows I ask could we start again please?... and I am hearing refrains from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Superstar, Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables, Miss Saigon, La Cage Aux Folles, and assorted other songs from assorted other shows... and then The Kinks follow with I wish my like was a non-stop hollywood musical show, ya know?...

it used to be... I mean, I used to walk on beaches and through parks and other places with friends who'd encourage me to sing for them (and when I was really lucky, with them... though it was so much easier to find people who were comfortable as an audience than it was to find people who were comfortable on stage, so to speak)... I used to know so many shows and songs...

but that's not actually where we were if we were to answer the question where were we? accurately as it was posed above... where we were, actually, was trying to find the words to the truth (as Harry, that would be Chapin, so boldly put it once upon a time)... the truth in the heart that is in every heart... the feeling that I feel and you feel and he feels and she feels and we feel and they feel and it's all the same feeling believe it or not...

there were three paragraphs of thank yous... I gushed... tears flowed as I wondered if I deserved you and started believing that maybe I did deserve a little real appreciation and respect from afar... laughter flowed as I realized that I almost never take anything seriously and all the drama and angst and whining complaining is just something to do to fill in the boredom during the lonely hours between major life events and falling in love again (song cue)...

I wasn't watching The Life and Death of Peter Sellars during the entry... but it is on now and as I love Peter Sellars work I very much wanted to see this film and I am not disappointed so far for Geoffrey Rush is doing an admirable job (and I like Emily Watson) and from a much deeper perspective, I can relate so well to the Being There atmosphere of the portrayal of his life on and off screen (though a major difference is highlighted by the scene that is on just now, the meeting with the fortune teller type person... I have a rather deeply rooted aversion to following anything really... that is, I don't seek it... unless it's a game or I am in love and want to... but other than that, or rather, because of that difference, I could have easily entered a life of theatre and gotten quite happily lost in characters... in some ways, that may be what I have done... in the theatre of life, so to speak)...

but as I was saying, I wasn't watching this film when I wrote the entry I was attempting to recollect shortly into this entry... it is influencing this entry more than most TV things might because I wanted to see if so I am pausing a lot to watch... and then there's the libido factor that just kicked in since Charlese Theron appeared... she is utterly beautiful, the vulnerability (and is so perfectly cast for the Britt Eckland part), the sweetness in her smile, twinkle in her eyes, passion in her energy... and there's another difference between us (Peter and me, that is)... I'd sing my own songs...

this is all very distracting and I hope it is not detracting from the purity I am feeling in my heart (well, it's sorta starting to slip back in, I think) as I look for those perfect words to say thank you again... and there's one more thing to be thanking you for, huh?... thank you for reading through my irreverent asides and meandering and idiotic rants and pathetic whinings and divergent deliberations and massive missives and devilish distractions and passionate perversions and dastardly deviations and all the subtle stuff I slip in between the lines that only you notice because you're so clever and insightful and far beyond the realm of normal human kind dancing above level twelve of the Celestine Prophesy with all the wisdoms and then some contain in the Messiah's Handbook (or for a healthy aside, try this, but don't get too distracted now) and just generally brilliant like Hermione Granger...

I want to believe it's not just ego...

and thank you for laughing at me (even when I am not laughing and just being foolish), for that proves (it should to you, at least) that you sense the me behind the words that lives in the moment and enjoys everything (even when it's challenging or painful, though it's not much fun to always be challenging or painful, but knowing that everything changes makes everything ok even when everything challenging and painful... know what I mean?) and means no harm but finds humor and positivity in everything because everything temporary and...

I explained it so much better last time....

thank you for the hope and the praise and the appreciation and the attention... I hope you find the feeling I am feeling in you, for it is a feeling everyone knows, though most grow up and suppress it... I wish everyone would just realize that insecurity is ok, everyone feels it, and all we have to do is get over the embarrassment of not being perfect or right or in control all the time and learn to share we'd realize that deep down everyone wants the same thing, to be loved and appreciated and all we have to do is realize we all share the same fear of rejection and hurt and betrayal and cruelty and nobody don't really wants to be mean or cruel but it's a cycle that some get trapped in becuase they are afraid to break the cycle and realize that deep down what they want most is to remember how (or learn how) to love and trust and be loved and trusted...

much better last time...

it's not always easy to see past the superficiality and insensitivity that dominates daily life in human relations and at times the cynicism and doubts and fears get the best of me and the child inside cries afraid I might be lost forever to the madness of the grown up world, but somehow through the words, every now and then, the child finds the keys and reminds me that I feel the goodness and kindness and desire to love and be loved and most important of all, the belief that every human heart seeks the same thing, security and safety and love...

if we'd only just admit it and share it (now that's what I'd call a confession, aye?)... well alright, I guess I've rambled on long enough... this entry took all night because I let the TV take me away a while and had to get past the frustration of losing the perfect entry (well, closer than ever before, ok?... and...)...

I forgot how I ended it, but I loved it...

so there.






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