LIFE

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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
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(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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FAT MAN WALKING
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




SITES I AM CONSIDERING
SEEING MORE OFTEN

3Hive
metafilter
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REFERENCE LIBRARIES

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wikipedia
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Giga-Quotes
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all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
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hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
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this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
Wednesday Whatevers
Sunday Brunch
Monday Madness
Thursday Threesom
Saturday Questions




(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
blissful or blue
let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-03-02 - 10:16 p.m.

sometimes life is the entry


feeling bloated this morning, probably cuz dinner last night (and breakfast this morning, though for me it was breakfast last night and dinner this morning) was oatmeal and I think it's expanding in my stomach... oatmeal can do that, ya know... and sleepiness, oatmeal is a good sedative... if I did not feel so bloated I'd probably be asleep right now... give me a few minutes...

meanwhile, the mail continues it's ridiculous waste of time and bandwidth at casa de candoor (specifically the one domain mail address)... and the server, ATT Worldnet, has disconnected twice already in the last five minutes since I connected this morning to attempt to download the SPAM and whatever mail might be found in it if we're lucky...

website address SPAM count,
download 8:13 AM 3/2/05
1169 messages, 6.03MB

and the server disconnected midway through... and a few minutes was all I needed to be fast asleep, so we are now looking around at twilight, dusk, the evening time... it is quiet around here for a change... my roommies are either out or asleep... the air is crisp and cool... the thermostate says it's 66 degrees (that's Farhenheit) in this space... the windows have been open all day and I remember wrapping a sheet around me (I have not had a blanket or comforter in years)... and I am going to enjoy a hot shower now while I let the little laptop attempt to download the mail again...

website address SPAM count,
download 5:43 PM 3/2/05
2021 messages, 9.60MB

and refreshed and reborn, we return (we being you and me, not the many mes in my head, but the we could just as easily be the many mes in my head too, just in case you aren't here at the moment... I only use the royal we in jest when and if I do use it... in case you were wondering, I mean)... the mail reached the wall again as the server disconnected again... booo... start again...

website address SPAM count,
download 6:11 PM 3/2/05
2056 messages, 10.0MB

ok, so I shut down everything except the mail program and a few windows and notepads... keep your fingers crossed... meanwhile, oatmeal is very filling... I still feel full, though not bloated... you'd think after thirteen hours or so I might be hungry and psychologically I am, but physically I am only partially hungry... the brain/body is seeking sugar and perhaps a few other nutrients, but not nearly desperately... more like the habit of always having extra sugar around... the belly, however, is full... so my belly full but me hungry...

yeah, you understand... Bob Marley, in case you wondered...

and I wonder, do you wonder a lot as you read my rambles?... I would like a sliding scale of wondering to know just how much wondering you guys are doing as you read these words... not just these words, but all the words you read here... and then, a sliding scale to let me know how much wondering you do overall in your other readings... that way I could know if my words have you wondering more or less than you wonder when you read other words because your overall wondering levels matter when I am wondering how much you are wondering...

I could create a poll... a multiple choice with five or ten answers... when reading casa de candoor, I wonder ___ percent of the time... and then a bunch of check boxes ranging from 0% through 100%... yeah, that's it... a poll... any day now...

but before we do that, I must vent more frustration about the mail and the ATT internet service... ATT SUCKS A FROG'S ANUS... there, that's better... I pay more than $20 a month for the unlimited service and it's disconnecting way too much lately... I am currently shutting down everything and deleted mail folders and compacting all folders, which takes a lot longer than I'd like it to take because MICROSOFT SUCKS A FROG'S PENIS... it's the dang proprietary MS software that demands the screen window even when it does not need it that frustrates the video memory and snatches the keyboard while I am trying to do something else with it... and not just once, but repeated screen captures throughout the dumb program... Bill gates does not understand do it in the background... egomaniac... and Outlook Express tells me there's not enough memory to compact all folders... poor little laptop, nobody understands you... come sit on my lap, Ali, and tell me your story...

maybe it's time to defrag...

. o O ( playing Jeopardy music ) O o .

ok, we're back... I didn't defrag, but I shut down and empties the Temp folder cuz some crap in there did not empty during shut down and all the mail folders did compact and the download of mail starts again... and as Bon Jovi sings It's My Life, I shall play a game of Spades with Ali... we continue...

this entry would have continued from there when I tired of playing spades, but Precious needed a talk... she apparently hasn't seen her dad in almost a week because of his new schedule... she's got relationship problems... a friend's boyfriend like her and... need I go on?... yes, she's liked him for a long time and they're all friends... his story (how many times has it been told) is he wants to break up with her and they don't communicate and so on and so on... mutual friends see that their relationship isn't working... the girlfriend complains to precious about the boyfriend... the boyfriend calls here late (after Rasputin and I leave for work) and they talk for hours (which is why she's been sleepy and late for school recently)...

so that is why this entry was not actually written, or continued... we talked about relationships and ethics and desires and integrity and sex and honesty and how we sometimes put blinders on when we want something and we can get it but we have to kind of break some rules or ignore some obvious traps and potentially unpleasant consequences... kind of like driving a car with blinders on... at night... with the headlights off... really fast... with one knee... or getting in a car with a drunk at the wheel... we talked about how emotions can impair our judgment just like alcohol or any drug and we make choices when enamoured or hormonally charged that we'd feel foolish admitting when we are thinking with a clear head... and how growing from child to teenage to independent person involved a lot of choices and many are confusing because the body wants and the heart wants and the mind wants and sometimes, often even, they don't all want the same things... in fact, sometimes they want incompatible things...

of course I rambled on, that is what I do...

ultimately, the mirror will decide... that is, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself with a genuine smile, with pride, with satisfaction that you like who you are because you live up to your own ideals and do what you feel and have nothing to hide, if you can feel good about yourself with your eyes wide open, then the choices you've made are right for you... but if you turn away from your own eyes in the mirror, if you deny your own actions and feel you must hide what you do from your friends and others around you, if you do not feel good about yourself unless you distract yourself or distort your perceptions with chemicals or pretenses or lies, then the choices you've made are not right for you...

in the end, whatever you decide, you live with your choice...

ultimately Precious has a whole lot more freedom here with us than she did with her mom (she had no life, no phone, no extra curricular activities, literally nothing to do but go to school then come home and sit in her room, do homework and watch TV)... the choices are sometimes overwhelming and she's smart enough to realize who loves her and who she can count on, so she's earned my trust and respect to make her own decisions (and it appears I've got her dad's trust and respect to be here for her, dudnit?... that's cuz he's mostly at work or sleeping), especially because she comes to me and tells me everything (scary, huh?)...

the irony for me is I still feel like I am a little kid most of the time (cuz I still feel like I felt when I was a little kid... life really did not change much for me... the experience is still just as strange when it involves people, just as beautiful when it doesn't... so to sit here and give advice, well, even though I do it every day and get paid for it (which of course does not mean I am any good at it, but that's besides the point and too sad a fact of professional mental health life to even joke about), it still amazes me when someone's eyes light up and they hug me and thank me...

it feels very very good J






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >




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.

the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

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