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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2005-07-08 - 2:01 p.m.

if you understand what I mean


originally on July 8th I wrote this entry because I was tagged and responded immediately with an entry rather than catch up to the date as I often do... I was about a week behind and the past seven entries were those catch up entries... time being relative, if you understand what I mean (time is relative even if you don't, but I'd rather you do just cuz it's less complicated that way, I think)...

and you'd think maybe I'd have gotten some rest since I was exhaused at the writing of the previous entry (which would be the one just before this one if you click back or go one date back, which of course makes sense in linear time but this diary is not always flowing along linear time paths so the irony of this reference may or may not be lost upon you depending on whether you understand what I mean (am I about to repeat myself again?)...

time loops, which makes us all loopy...

as if so often the case these days, I ate too much and exercised too little this week and that leaves me feeling bloated and more tired than I should and always prevents idyllic sleep (so I only sleep like the dead, but do not get as much rest as I could get, but that is relative too since I exist on a rather different energy plane than the normal human and that is why so rarely do I find anyone who truly experiences life as I experience it if you understand what I mean (again?... well, I don't actually expect anyone to, but there's always hope as I keep hoping)...

hope loops, which makes hopers loopy...

all I ever wanted was the one, after all... and the constant search for such an imaginary being (or one who lives up to the dream image I have in my mind that is based on various people from my past centering on one who looks a whole lot like Mila Kinus and Nicole DeBoer and Janeane Garofalo and Sandra Bullock and Meg Ryan all combined with a touch of the other faces in the top list of visual fantasy faces stored in my libido, not to mention voices, and that's just libido surface love-at-first-site attractiveness if you understand what I mean) leaves me physically drained at times and emotionally devastated at other times, especially when I trust someone who wants me and says they understand but truly does not and drops me the moment they are asked to understand the understanding they do not actually understand, if you understand what I mean (huh?)...

I mean no harm and my highest ideal is to be as completely openly honest as possible (because everything else is less real and I'd like to be as real as possible when sharing, at least until a foundation of trust that is as close to unconditional trust as possible is firmly built between you and me) while balancing the active sharing with the silent stillness in order to do as little harm as possible without violating my highest ideal (if you undertand what I mean) and this is what everything I am and know and can share is based upon so if you don't understand what I mean then getting off on the right foot, no matter how well we appear to dance, is not actually happening (and so many ignore what they do not comprehend until it trips them and they seem surprised, which is oddly insane from my perspective if you understand what I mean)...

so I am burning the candles at both ends (literally, since I've been burning citronella candles all week around thew big green chair here at casa de candoor because the bug farm that has developed in the garbage disposal and perhaps other pipes are very distracting when they fly around my head and fingers and land on my food {they are quite bold and hearty bugs} and hopefully my dear roommies are getting the message that they should clean up after themselves more better than they do {yes, much more better} so I do not have to keep spraying bug spray in the air every time I want to sit in the living room... I know, bleach in the pipes... tomorrow will be the fourth time I do that) and dragging myself to the next appointed task (working the working life these last four and a half years has left much less time for the natural rhythm of life that has kept me feeling young and alive and refreshed and energized for all these years) and I am starting to approach the red line again (if you understand what I mean)...

partnership is best in this life, I believe, for even though it has not always worked optimally for me, it has worked well most of the time and even if the partnership dissolves I am more apted to be better prepared for anything that comes along during and after a partnership than I am after a long time of solitude... this is increasingly true the longer I live in this body as it appears, at least in my psyche, that apathy and laziness and procrastination and even deeper depressive moods are more empowered with passing years than they were in previous years... I wonder if this is another unique quality about me or if this is one of the few successed I've had in my lifelong quest to assimilate and blend in with humanity which all began as an attempt to understand why one person, the first and still most profound the one person, walked away...

love is loopy, which is why we all loop...

I just noticed that the citronella candle that has been burning for days has, in tiny print on the side of it's label, the words FOR OUTDOOR USE ONLY... maybe that has added to the feeling of lethary and not-too-wellness that appears to be enveloping me this weekend... fresh air is over ninety degress outside and the air conditioner is blasting and the electric bill will probably top $300 this month and staying wet to stay cool is just attracting these little bugger bugs more which is more annoying because it is more distracting so obviously I am cranky because I am lonely and tired and not very zippy-dee-doo-dah feeling (and very possibly very much vice versa as in the chicken and the egg conundrum, if you understand what I mean)...

wishing for some comfort, some cuddling, someone to motivate and inspire and just simply and honestly (completely openly honestly, that is... and ah, there's the rub) care about me in the physical world space right now is not cutting it... even though I do love wishing on stars and fantasizing (you do know I do that by now, I hope), sometimes the dreariness swallows me and leaves me with an entry much like this one in which I attempt to just continue babbling until the dreariness gets tired of my continuing and apparently nonchalant efforts to ignore it and it allows me to poke a hole in it and let some hope-light shine through which frustrates it (as if the dreariness could be personified, if you understand what i mean) and that inspires my laughter (simple silly child that I am) and laughter is the key to the exit, you know...

you should know, it's important information after alll...

so maybe you do and maybe you don't and I hope you do someday even if you don't today and when you do you will understand what I mean...

and I'll just go on to tomorrow now because this extra entry is taking up valuable babble-time and I've got a few more days to go before I actually return to today as told by the calendar on the wayy if you understand what I mean...

oh just giggle, it's easier that way J






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