of course I have been known to get distracted myself at times... and sometimes, it's a the simplicity that leads to genius left for posterity to click on and see that inspires me to continue linking (though I think I shall save pages to my server whenever poassible from now on... so how do I go about downloading an entire web page with all the files it needs to show as it is?... I'd really really really like to know, and that too)...

pausing to remember to thank those who actually remain, I visited one today in this moment (as opposed to all the nostalgic links prior to this moment) and found myself writing this:

depraved sex acts and pasta salad, loneliness will drive us to some strange thoughts (but then, it wasn't you putting those two thoughts together, was it... I may never look at pasta salad the same way again, but then again, you're so cute I'll get over it... especially if you still don't mind my teasing)...

I was wandering through old entries in my old diaries and found many dead links because many people either deleted their pages or DLand did or they locked their sites or something and felt sad that all that babbling and linking was altered by powers beyond my creative control... then I found you've still got your archives up and open (cuz one of my links lead me to something you wrote in 2003) and I smiled...

so thanks for the smile, then and now, and I hope you get your pasta salad... I'd bring some myself, but it would probably spoil by the time I got there and besides, I just started a new job and it's not a good time to take off and I think I a have a sore throat germ trying to move in so I'm gonna nurse myself and rest this weekend... maybe someone will bring me pasta salad...

sending good thoughts to you cuz you remain on of my favorite internet people who seem real enough for me to like to think of as real :)

I so miss conversation, but much much more, I so miss intimate conversation and physical intimacy... and sure, sex and horniness are part of that mix, very much so at times, but the primary much much relates to a deeper intimacy than sexuality, a sensuality based on unconditional trust... I think of this when I remember people who inspire me to believe they have the right combination of personality traits (a rather unique, most would say odd mix at that) that I could relate to as someone I might trust unconditionally... that is beauty that can melt me...

and I don't merely mean the physical, though it does show in eyes and body language and is the most beautiful adorable, attractive look for me... it is not the typical sense of beauty as this culture seems to see it (though I've been told often that my ideal personality and perspective combination does look beautiful to many people)... it is more mesmerizing than typical beauty... and even more, I miss someone potentially able to relate to and trust me unconditionally (which is, ironically, one of my most intense personal turn-ons)...

sigh...

before this turns into yet another lament of loves lost (which may be brewing under the covers lately according to some of the voices in my head, but we'll leave that for another time as we simply do not have time for a good cry tonight and what good is a lament of lost loves without a good cry), lets stick to the point of lost links...

yeah so I was getting to a point that was about staying connected, especially relating to staying connected online... so many entries are full of links that no longer work as I skim through my archives... and as is so many other things in this life that involve or are created by humans, even when there is a chance at longevity, people accept such transience in their sharings and creations... so rarely do I find anyone who does not stay in the shallows... so rarely do I find anyone who keeps a record of their life to explore and enjoy as it grows and develops...

most seem eager to erase their past as if they are ashamed or thing they can change who they are by forgetting what they've done (or put online)... it makes no sense (to me at least) cuz you can't run from yourself no matter how hard you try or where you go... it is such a shallow way to live... but then, life is transient... we are born, we live, we die... the same trip for everyone... and maybe it is easier to go through the experience without close bonds, but especially without maintaining all the connections we could maintain... every link broken is a loss and it is easier to desensitize and not feel it...

but that is a pretense to believe we don't feel it... we might be able to somehow disconnect our consciousness and kill off memory cells, but that is a greater loss to me than the pangs of pain that come from being conscious of all the little losses... I'd rather feel than kill off my own brain cells... rarely do I meet someone who chooses this path or even someone who understands that it is possible and the most life affirming path to choose... most do not understand that erasing the past is self harming...

but it seems to be the normal human way...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)