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©2006 Candor Communications


2015-03-14 - 11:15 p.m.

babbling through computer concerns


the following contains pieces and parts of a several entries written in several places (at least six or seven entries in at least two or three places) and i've come here because i linked there to here and also felt like saying hello to anyone who is still here who remembers me here (even anyone who doesn't) cuz i've been remembering memories (as the links below show, especially way down there nearer to the last ten or fifteen paragraphs or so) lately and stopping by here reminds me there are people writing i used to enjoy reading (if i only had the time) and even though there are reduntantly repetitive links all through this combined-entry entry, you can just read through if you like (and have so much time and or just love me that much) and click on links some other time when you have even more time... if you want to know where i write most these days, these words link to that place...

yeah, babbling is in my genes... so hello again... hope you are well... here is how i have been and what's been on my mind the past day or two...

ok, so suddenly this babbling blog has life because there is babbling going on today and i decided to bring it here too (cuz a hundred blogs is not enough) and because, well, several times already this computer would not start up... but i don't feel like getting lost in complaining (not that i won't be complaining along the way) so dangit i'm gonna babble... i restarted it last night cuz it would not shut down and was overheating and, well, let me record the saga... it asked to run repair and wanted to restore, but i didn't let it... then it would not start up several times and shut down as it started up as if it lost power... then i started it in safe mode and it started up but suddenly went black screen as if it lost power... maybe the battery is dead, but it says it's 100% charged... so finally i got it to start and chose to start windows normally and here we are... currently running a critical areas scan... the primary difference between tonight and all prior days is that i have the wi-fi turned off... why would the computer have issues starting up with the wifi turned off... i turned the wifi off because the hard drive was running for a full day even with the computer closed so something was keeping it from going into sleep or hibernation mode... am i being hacked?... the critical areas scan shows no threats... the last vulnerability scan shows skype.exe as vulnerable even though i uninstalled skype so i searched for all skype files and found skype.exe and deleted it and all skype files cuz i don't use skype and i am running vulnerability scan again... this may take some time...

meanwhile, in other parts of the mind...


this is how it used to be
when i had the time
to let my mind wander through
whatever it might find
imagination, fantasies
flowing into rhyme
dreams to come and dreams gone by
nothing left behind
when i had the time

memories became epic conversations
between the voices deep inside my head
hopes and dreams became infinite variations
wherever imagination lead

sometimes real desires
sometimes other's fires
observations, inspirations
everything inspires

being without fear
no inhibitions allow
free creativity
have we forgotten how
or are we there right now

she was the perfection i always dreamed of
fitting every part of me so exactly
there could be no better actualized true love
and when she went away i died
rhyme cried

and memories replaced reality
fantasies replaced my sanity
she was all that i wanted to see
dreaming was the best i could do
to be the best i could be

and i came to realize
when the perfection dies
and the rhyme cries
but true love never lies

she is the perfection i always dreamed of
fitting every part of me so exactly
there could be no better actualized true love
i just had to close my eyes so i could see
and she never went away in my mind
she has always live in my rhyme
this is how it used to be
when i had the time

yes, this is how it used to be
when i had the time
to let my mind wander through
whatever it might find
imagination, fantasies
flowing into rhyme
dreams to come and dreams gone by
nothing left behind
when i had the time

remember me?... there's always hope :)

and so the vulnerability scan is done and found no threats now that the skype file was deleted... i could run a full scan but that would take a long time... and yet, why not... and so it starts again, a full scan... and to limit use of the computer while the scan is happening, i limit my use to typing these words which prevents me from playing the music i wish to play on the computer and since the cds are still in boxes, i don't have the music playing in the audio space that i am hearing in my mind so we will just have to listen within and use our imaginations which is what you've have to do anyway until i find the file and upload it or at least link it and since i am limiting myself to nothing more than typing in this notepad, links will have to wait until the scan and other tasks are completed... so imagine if you will the moody blues singing remember me, my friend as we listen together within our minds... distance separates our bodies, but the music puts our minds in the same head space... can you be here with me?...

all it takes is letting go of fear and opening yourself to your imagination and then, simply wanting to share... you can let me know, if you do, when you do... but if you do, then we are already there...

yeah, that's it... the secret to life, the universe, and everything... 42... the answer... and you can pretend you do not know and never knew and you can get away with that because that is the norm and the norm for the majority creates the illusion of truth accepted as truth by the majority and therein, by the culture of the time and you live in the culture of the time and you can find comfort in the conformity and sense of shared acceptance of the current truth no matter how wrong it might be because the sense of belonging to the majority overrides logic and rational thinking in most humans of the time...

are you there yet?...

narf :)

well, about 200,000 files have been scanned and the full scan continues even as i took a break to release body wastes and kaspersky and says it will continue for another five hours or more which is pretty ridiculous and perhaps suggests that i should find my external drives and copy all the document and image and personal files and re-image the hard drive (with windows 7 while i am at it for windows vista is a large part of the slow deterioration of this laptop) but i am sitting here typing at the moment because i do not want to interfere with the scan any more than typing into this one file interferes with the scan so maybe 12 monkeys and helix will distract me from the impatience creeping up on me as the scan drags on forever or so it seems in the relativity of time...

dinner earlier was a near pureed spread made of salmon, clams, chicken, onions, spices, fat free thousand island dressing, mayonaisse, and fat free cheddar cheese... dessert was nuts and chocolate milk made with 50% crushed ice, stevia, cocoa, and some chocolate syrup (forgot the vanilla)... probably more calories than i burned today because i didn't exercise but not more than 1500 calories and likelt closer to 1200 calories but i still feel bloated so the answer, my friends, is not blowing in the wind or even blowing into the wind, but rather exercising more, burning more calories than consumed... that way the weight loss desired will continue and the body will be faster, healthier, and easier to manage (and better at softball and other sports, though exercise to prevent muscle loss is essential to that healthy and effective weight loss)... yes, that is the path we are on while we wait for the full scan to be completed...

the good news is that the computer has remained on during these scans and this babbling and the potty break and the wandering through the mind and rhymes and wonder years and memories and fantasies and logic and reason and reality of sadness and hopes and dreams and i keep saving this file every line and more often just in case so this process is recorded for posterity in case this is the last time i use this computer and hopefully i will find the external drive and save these words and all the others and images and other files before the end because ever few saves the notepad says (not responding) hopefully because of the full scan and not because the computer is dying or worst of all, about to bite the big one for the last time... where is that hard drive anyway?...

alas, so many boxes piled up in the space and the drive and many other things i'd like to find (like the wrist brace i would have liked to have playing softball tonight because my wrist is sore for some reason currently believed to be because i slept on it but it could be some disease or affect {effect} of the aging process or something else entirely but the point is i'd like to have a week or two to searched through all the boxes for the things i'd like to find and somehow find a way to organize everything on shelves or in drawers so everything is easy to find so i case toss out stuff i don't want to keep and actually use and enjoy stuff i do want to keep like the cds and lots of other stuff... and there's a whole lot of laundry to do as well... and clean laundry to fold and put away somehow, somewhere... and cleaning to do... and more...

notepad slows even more as we approach 300,000 files scanned as i wonder how many files are the right amount of files for a laptop and i know it's relative and dependant on the software installed but i wonder what is the optimal balance between drive space and type of software and efficiency and safety as kaspersky moves file after file to the group "trusted" as if it knows what i n(and this computer) should trust... lots of installers and browser stuff... and it says four hours remaining for the full scan... and the mind continues to find distraction in the 12 monkeys apocalyptic nightmare that makes way too much sense given the nhilistic suicidal path humanity is on under the guise of religion and politics that are just cover stories attempting to rationalize greed and domination that is currently accepted by the majority as the way of the world because, as is so often said, it has always been this way (but has it really?)...

this entry will pause now, arbitrarily and suddenly and somewhat randomly...

narf :)

if you haven't noticed by now, which you likely didn't if you just stopped by here in the last few moments as this entry sits as the latest entry for just these few moments), this is the third entry of a three part entry that you are starting to read so you might want to read the first and second entries in this night of babble but of course you are under no obligation to read any of this in chronological order even when several entries are all part of a single session of babble written in a single night or for any reason cuz time is relative but if you really wanted you you would take a year off and start at the beginning (of this blog, at least, which is also relative as there were other beginnings (which are not actually the beginnings of those blogs either) before this particular babbling blog's beginning and still earlier beginnings and more still lost in time and further back even more that pre-date the internet, but that may be more than you want to know (or have time for)... in any case, welcome to part three of tonight's rendition of the old computer blues...

yeah, so as i was saying (or will), another entry begins as if the previous one never paused (because it almost actually didn't as the pauses came within the entry for various reasons and the starting of this second related entry was an impulsive act without clear reason (or rhyme, though rhyme may still come again and if it does, perhaps we are returning to the land of make-believe with a little help from the music in the mind and in spite of the lack of audio music due to the continuing full scan we do not want to interrupt or interfere with as it now says three hours remaining and the loss of the tapes along the way, sigh, still waiting for the end of the betrayal of trust and respect given to the friend in toronto that she may or may not have promised as she repeatedly claimed she meant no harm in spite of all the devastating harm she did, but we are not going back there just now even if that disappoints her and the rest of the humans feeding off the drama and tragedy that is so much a part of the current human existence)...

this is the song for the world for the one and for you
if you let it get through to the heart of your soul
and let go of the fears that bring pretentious airs
and create the delusion that you are in control
of a life that is so far beyond your control
if you open your eyes to see what is true
the big picture is laid out for all to see
but the seeing is a choice that is up to you

can you open your mind to everything
can you see past your fears of what might be
can you let go of the delusion of control
can you find the heart of your soul
can you know the heart of your soul
can you be the heart of your soul

can you accept that everything you do is your choice
can you realize that god is within your own voice
can you move past your fears and take responsibility
for everything you do in reality
you choose everything you do in reality
you are everything you do in reality

you don't have to follow the majority
you don't have to conform to find security
you don't have to accept anyone's fantasy
you can create your own reality

this is the song for the world for the one and for you
if you let it get through to the heart of your soul
and let go of the fears that bring pretentious airs
and create the delusion that you are in control
of a life that is so far beyond your control
if you open your eyes to see what is true
the big picture is laid out for all to see
but the seeing is a choice that is up to you

and the full scan says it has two hours remaining as if these computer time frames have actual meaning in the time line of the life we live, but the good news is that the computer remains on and continues to accept the scan and this notepad continues to accept more words and seems to be saving ok as we approach 500,000 files scanned as the scan says it is 43% completed and even as that continues i am still wondering if there's anybody going to listen to my story all about the girl that went away and other such stories that used to be written in rhyme and might have been known well beyond the few who've read me over the years if only i connected with a musical collaborator all those years ago (and if the original website was not deleted by att, the links would be popping up left and right around her, no doubt... alas, all the tired horses in the sun, and all the lost words and lost tapes to the betrayal of trust... sigh), but we can't always get what we want and even if we try sometimes, we just may not find what we need so the only choice left is to realize we need a whole lot less than we might think we need because it is so easy to be fooled by powerful desires...

it may be time to sing one, two, three, whatever are we writing for?... don't ask me i don't have fleas... live life off your knees... there'll be five, six, seven and they may be just great... ain't no time to wonder why, whooopee we're all gonna fly yeah yeah...

yeah, so anyway, if you've been following along the trains of thought and are not sorry you've come along for the ride, you are hopefully understanding the meaning of the words and maybe even feeling the depths of the desires and even if you don't share a few words of your own (or comforting hugs, even), perhaps you can empathize and if you share the same experience in your life, i feel you even if you don't want me to because i feel me and am not afraid to open myself to everything even when it is not the best feeling and the emptiness of unfulfilled desire is seldom the best feeling...

i would so like to find someone who can share love
the way i can share love
without fear or inhibition

i would so like to find someone with an open mind
as open as mine
without walls or superstition

anything is possible
if you believe it is
that is ultimate truth
accept it or not
you cannot change it
and neither can i
all we can do is live
the best life we can live
and give all we can give
until the day we die

i would so like to find someone who can share everything
i mean share everything
without fear or restriction

i would so like to find someone with who understands
life is at our command
and dreams come to fruition

when we dare to do what we want to do
and stop pretending there is reason not to
as long as we intend no harm we can do anything
isn't it time you started to sing

anything is possible
if you believe it is
that is ultimate truth
accept it or not
you cannot change it
and neither can i
all we can do is live
the best life we can live
and give all we can give
until the day we die

i would so like to find someone who overcomes all fear
so we can be aware
we create our reality

i would so like to find someone who understands
we control our own hands
accept responsibility

and dare to do what we want to do
and stop pretending there is reason not to
as long as we intend no harm we can do anything
isn't it time you started to sing

anything is possible
if you believe it is
that is ultimate truth
accept it or not
you cannot change it
and neither can i
all we can do is live
the best life we can live
and give all we can give
until the day we die

yeah, yeah, yeah, ya know?... it is somewhat amazing that the scan is just 48% completed and still has two hours to go after 650,000 files have been scanned, but that is what is happening and keeps these words flowing even as i am getting tired of the waiting for the scan to end so i can then start the spybot scans and immunizations before i reconnect to the web so i can download the 23 important updates windows says are available and i've got to wonder what that's all about, i mean, updates every tuesday to be safe and secure online... does a car need to be rebuilt every week to run well?... perhaps... 700,00 files scanned and still 48% and two hours remaining... this could take all night... sheesh...

i could be exercising but it is 3:00 am and i worked seventy hours this week and played softball last night and did not get enough sleep and once again i am giving into the fear that pushing the body too much will hurt it or even kill it even though time and time again i proved to myself that i can push the body to exercise even when fatigued and yet, every year brings this body closer to actual body death and sooner or later that actual point of injury or death when pushing exercise on the body without enough rest will happen and then what... the point of the exercise, after all, is to enhance and prolong life, not end it... such a delicate balance, this life, becoming more and more delicate, precarious, even, with each passing year... and alone, there is so much more reason to avoid the end because, after all, the reason for continuing the living process, besides enjoying it, is to share it, to find the one and share everything...

the least i can do is stand up and type so i use a bit more energy and burn a few more calories and avoid butt ache or hemmerhoids or whatever... even better, i could buy that elliptical machine i've been talking about buying for years and actually exercise while i am typing (it would take some time to master the skill but i probably could, even at this adult stage of life, though it would have been easier to aquire the skill at the teen or childhood stages when everything is easiler to learn but that is past and this is now and the dang scan is still saying two hours remaining even as it's scanned more than 800,000 files and reached the 60% mark in the last few seconds... so maybe it is time to take a break and do something else... like opening some of those boxes or at least putting some of the stores of food away that i bought last week...

a little while later and approaching a million files scanned and the 80% mark, after chasing a rather unpleasant-looing spider around the living room with a generic brand window cleaner because i couldn't find bug spray fast enough only to lose the eight legged monster under the couch which hopefully will not end in a bite or more as i am still sleeping on the couch these days, the computer continues to function within relatively acceptible parameters as long as i accept the pitifully slow and inefficient state of home computers at this time... so while i took the couch apart and sprayed bug spray all over the frame of the couch and around the base and behind and so on, the scan progressed to 90% and just over a million files scanned with 15 minutes left... light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps... in a less fatigued state, this might even be exciting... if nothing else, fans of this babbling blog will be thrilled that the computer concerns kept the babbler away all night and brought the babbler back to some form of babbling, be it whiney crabby whatever we might make of (or call) these entries which will not pause as suddenly as the last one...

narf :)

it is most likely that more will be added after jackson heads to work (and here we are as she is gone and i am not and you are not so don't kiss me unless you really mean it and what else would you like to know?)... the past four entries (at least i think it's been four) might have been uploaded as one entry once upon a time way back in the days of winding road trips (or days of wine and roses, for that matter) that we strayed from back in the beginning (of this blog, at least, which as i mentioned is relative as time is relative) as there were other (which has a beginning that was never actually finished but got going a bit along about the sixth entry) beginnings (which actually has a ten different beginnings) all written long before this particular babbling blog's beginning and some were for specific moods (for instance) and yet, most mentioned here are the general babbling places for recording life and whatever else like a still earlier beginning of another earlier beginning and even before that a beginning lost in time (which may be the end of the first beginning online which may be gone thanks to the greed of att but leave us not forget even further back even more beginnings that pre-date the internet {but let's not mention the stone tablet blogs just now, m'ok?}, but that may be more than you want to know {or have time for} which only goes to show that the best laid plans are not always what actually happens)... in any case, welcome to part five of tonight's rendition of the old computer blues...

speaking of other moods and moments (and minds, even), you can find a whole lot more beginnings and middles and even some currents linked here and even more here if you are interested and have the time, but back to the moments at hand here in this blog you are reading, you can understand today better if you clicked again and again and again and again (in their proper order before actually finding and reading this entry) especially if this is the first stop in this blog today (or ever) cuz this is the fifth in this particular writing/babbling session...

anyway, continuing from the previous entries, the scan finally completed and 1,073,187 files were scanned... i wonder if any files were not scanned... and there were no threats found... now where is that spybot... ah, i uninstaqlled it for some reason.... perhaps it was not getting along with kaspersky or something or interferring with browsing somehow... maybe it was preventing me from netowrking with my work server which will mean it will be removed again over this weekend because i need to do some work over this weekend... but for now i am connecting this laptop to the net again and installing spybot to do it's thing... of course the moment i connect kaspersky demands bandwidth to update itself, the bandwidth pig... and somehow kaspersky is denying itself the right to update which can only end badly and take even more of my time... kaspersky may be gone when it's license runs out... so i'll just ignore it until it screams and turns yellow or red and start the 23 important windows updates which will force me to restart the computer several times and hopefully that will happen without incident...

meanwhile, i opened the patio door and the kitchen window to get some air circulating so i don't die from bug spray fumes and it is warmer and more humid than i'd like outside so the air conditioner is compensating by working harder cuz the door and window are open but it's still warmer and more humid than i'd like in here... alas, comfort might be more attainable if i was sitting and not moving around as much as i am doing, but i am burning more calories so perhaps i will drink something cold and splash water on the body... there is good news to report as the kaspersky finally did update so it wasn't the software that was stupid but rather the server slow in providing the update... and then again, perhaps it is brighthouse sucking as the windows updates do not seem to be downloading... so like so many other things the manufacturers of software do on this computer i am supposed to own, i will ignore the intrusion and hope for the best... yes microsoft, you suck with these way too time consuming and intrusive updates...

the world is getting wonky, or is that me... yes, as we approach sunrise after standing and moving around most of the night, fatigue spreads throughout the body and creeps into the brain so while the mind continues rambling along (as you might notice if i continue writing), the coherency might wane a bit (or more) and clarity may be beyond your comprehension (which is a sign of fatigue, madness, or genius and we know i can experience and exhibit all three, so hopefully that is as fun for you as it is for me)... and i am noticing that the laptop is quite warm so the fan may be clogged or not working well for some reason and so i need to locate the fan i use during the summer months to keep the laptop (and my lap) cooler and i may need to buy a new one if i don't find time and motivation to dig through the few dozen boxes after the wrist feels better... on the computer front, the windows updates finally downloaded and are now installing... hopefully the process will not take too long and will not interrupt my use of my computer...

it is time for sleep as the eyes are closing and the head is heavy, but the windows update is still installing updates and it is only up to number 6 out of 23 updates it wants to install...


what are you doing with the rest of your life
would you life to share it with me?
what is the word mean, to become a wife?
can we be together and still be free
i want to be free in my heart and my mind
to explore the infinite possibilities
to accept anything that we might find
will you share such a journey through time with me?

we don't need to be like anybody else
i want you to be yourself completely
leave the books of judgment on someone else's shelf
don't be weighed down by conformity
fear is a friend not a wall or a chain
i don't want it to get in our way
trust is the magic to ending all pain
can we start trusting today?
unconditionally
will you share unconditional trust with me?

ok, sleep now dear dream with hope we will wake and come true...

narf :)

and another day...

waking to the sound of the phone ringing way too early again, but that's the kind of job i have and i chose it because i love to be helpful and needed so even though always being tethered to a phone and responsibilities to care for others 24/7 can be a very exhausting burden sometimes it is more often quite invigorating because it brings me happiness because one of my favorite things to do in life is helping others and the only frustration is when someone doesn't leave a message cuz i can't help someone who does that if i don't know what they want or need... but anyway, sleep will come again, most likely soon, and until then i took the opportunity to restart the computer and install more updates and use spybot to immunize and scan and so far the computer is working again so i think the issure may have been a power cord problem brought on by my rearranging the living room and therein rearranging the power cords because the living room needed rearranging and because the computer battry is a goner because i left the laptop plugged most (as in 99.99% of the time) since i bought it four or more years ago (when vista was still the around and xp because nearly impossible to find and win7 was not available yet... foolish time to buy, i know, but the previous laptop died just then so choice was not an option...

and so, here we are waking after a few hours (or less) to continue the computer fixing and the one two three four five now six part babbling about whatever cuz i don't want to do anything else with the laptop during the computer fixes

if i had all the time in the world like i used to, i might click on a random playlist like this and listen all night, though after a song or two i decided to switch to the moody blues...

and change of plans...

this morning i woke all charged to babble on some more and then jackson wanted to watch some dvred shows so we watched and that distracted me from the writing mood and then i ate and napped and walked happiness a few times and read a bunch of old entries i will not insert with their categorical references intro origins privacy work beggining why mostly dead deeper heartbeats origins philosophy as they were found in the live journals i visited this morning as if i left them there as an unexpected promise or something like that...

you have plenty of reading material right there but as if that is not enough i further link the writing that was inspired by whatever last night as i worked on waiting for the laptop to be scanned and cleaned up (or something like that) and what once might have been one long babbling entry became one two three four five parts in the old babbling place that came before this current blog some years ago...

so what did you do today?

narf :)





J COMMENTS ARE HAPPY PILLS J
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see me - - - feel me - - - touch me - - - heal me


< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one >


. o O ( just let me know you were here ) O o .




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the moment

we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)...

you know that box to the right on the dland entry page called recent public entries?... what do the asterisks mean?... and the bold?...

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connections

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AND WHATDYA MISS?
babbling through computer concerns
stunningly missing
for lack of more, this
did we blink?
as if for no apparent reason
older still


random chance

who me?

leave a note?
(read archived notes)

send me mail?

you want to know me?
soundtrack
101 Things
The Sequel
The Trilogy
202 Things
200 Things
202 More Things
202 Things Again
testing123
have time, love words?
sleepwriting
(where the heart dreams)

and now, in RealTime™

DO ME!
(Johari Style)


DO ME WRONG!
(but do me right)


SOAP!

(EPISODE ONE)
(the dark side of candoor)


loving linkers
other loves

A Diaryland Survey
other surveys
small world
your profile matters
(search for you & find me)


tell others
read others
applause?
favor?
gift?

get your own!

saturn rings and other places
googlisms
browsing
where've ya been?
the searchers

favorites

911
HEY AMERICA!
LOOK AT YOUR CHILD
STOP THE ABUSE

(GET THE CODE)

THOUGHTS ON GOD

( temporary attractions )


BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE!

WAS #1 @ MSN!
(for a while, now on page 3 5)




(EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS)
RSS?



who links here
blogwise
Blogarama
Globe of Blogs
blogthings

~ BLOGLINKERS ~




~ BLOGROLLING ~
(Blogroll RSS)


Blogroll Me!

published
blogadvance
blogazoo
blogexplosion
blogmad?
bloglines



(PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS)
TSUNAMI INFO
fantasy sports?
BLOGGIES?
sorry everybody
Orange Blossom Music Festival

Deland Music Festival
MIT Survey

brilliant idea
Celebrate Birthdays
FOR FREEDOM



CONTINUE...
talking dog






SAY HELLO
407-325-1482





and if you want to leave
take good care
hope you make a lot
of true friends out there