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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2015-06-07 - 1:13 a.m.

once upon a diaryland


so the long and short of it, it being why i moved on from diaryland as the primary daily writing spot and why i am so seldom here comes down to two different answers with several other answers sprouting out from those two and perhaps some other answers we might find if i ever get around to actually answering the question i have not actually asked just yet... so ok, why not diaryland?... essentially because i got more comfortable over at blogger aka blogspot aka the google-owned blog site after trying it and then, it being free and having more features, well, there is one sprout and then, being an incessently insane sprouter, being able to manage more than a hundred different blogs with one login pretty much secured the deal... the other root reason is time... i had a lot more time to babble back when i started on diaryland so maintaining one primary babbling diary and a few other logins for other diaries that had other themes (like candora where i started here at diaryland back around the turn of the century {millenium, even} as my other primary blog was devestated by several different free hosting sites closing down rather suddenly in a row, including the att account and hosting i paid for where thousands of pages {five years of clogging and a few dozen other sites each with many dozens of pages once all linked through this page which wasn't even the main page of that multi-sited web world, alas} and after a year or so at livejournal where i had a few different journals for different reasons i found my way to candora here at diaryland to release the emo {yes, emo} as i still was so in love with the idea of falling in love and lived life through my heart {still do, though not as hopefuly romantically} and as you might notice if you read me back then, i still believed the one as in elton john's all i ever needed was the one was just around the corner and all i had to do was continue to put words everywhere i could on the web and continue going everywhere i could with my heart as wide open as possible {in spite of the profoundly devastating scars and post traumatic stress i was doing my best to not consider an obstacle but perhaps it was and still is more of an opstacle than i wanted to admit but that's another story that could have a diary or blog all it's own because i was trying to answer a question here, wasn't i?) made more sense (or something like that)...

where?... what?... huh?...

once there was a way to find my heart
it was home
it was where every moment would start

suddenly i find it's been long gone
homeless now
i wonder how to carry on

when did i give up on falling in love
how did i not notice
when it was the dream i always dream of

somehow i ignored the loneliness
so busy working
i seem to have accepted happiness
without love
now living without love
i wonder how i got to where i am right now

i must have gotten so good at distraction
i forgot promises i meant to keep
filled all my time with work
and put my heart to sleep

i love my friends and they love me
i have fun superficially
the single life is comfortable for me
but the romantic fantasy
still sometimes calls out to me
and i believe in love again
the kind of love that has no end
when two people become one heart
one mind one life
where every moment can start
with love
living with love
that is where i want to live right now
that is how i want to be right now


yeah, so that's what i used to do but then, after wanting to do more than write love songs and sad rhymes and emo stuff i branched out from candora to this diary right here that you are reading (are you still reading?... there's always hope... i hope) and this was the primary writing home for four or five years with various other diaries branching out like funda which was created in an attempted to be brief and succinct and perhaps even wise or profound and maybe find readers and friends who did not have time or patience or imagination for the kind of babbling i used to do here (yes, i used to babble here a lot, i mean, in case this is the first time you've ever been here... i suppose i am babbling a bit right now, but truly the babbling bug that used to bite and keep me writing for ten hours or longer non-stop day after night (i'd actually forget to eat for a few days during the most intense babbling phases) has been squashed and the babbler is seldom given the time to rev up the energy to fire enough neurons to shoot (or sprout) off in a dozen different directions in parenthetic asides and rambling run on sentences that used to come so naturally and i have digressed again so) what was this about?... ah yes, the funda hoped for an expanded audience and then a dozen other diaries popped up for still other reasons that i may try to remember right now like cdstacks which was a place to remember the music mixes and playlists i created when i was giving so much more time to music than i do now (remember sharing mixes on tapes and cds?... trancejen, where are you, i still listen to the cds you sent... and all the others, who remembers?) and mostlydead which was the diaryland extension of the livejournal journal of the same name where the heartbreak and trauma of the mostly dead heart was scrapped off the bottom of the abyss it was through into as it scratched and clawed it's way out (did it ever make it, i wonder) and perversions which was a place to release the experiences and stories shared in my professional life working at a psychiatric hospital as i attempted to express the logic, albeit often warped logic, of the patients while making some attempt to address the fear-driven delusions and warped fear of sex so dominating this current culture (yeah, that's the controversial one) and there was bivalent which was almost called bipolar but i wanted to reach beyond the stereotypes of that specific mental illness and explore the dischotomy of every perspective and peacking of perspectives there was perspect and perspectivz which probably never got off the ground cuz i don't remember much about them other than the idea was to expand into infinite perspectives and there was lovewarp which may have been an attempt to bridge candora and mostlydead or express the warping of love that comes from heartbreak and betrayal and abuse in the name of love while still hanging on to the innoocent belief that fairy tales can come true and it can happen to you and me too and there was lyrocks where lyrics written by others were stored though again, i don't recall having enough time to log in and log out and log in enough to really develop that one like some of the others and there was browsing and browsings which had two different reasons for being but both were themed around the browsing i did when i had the time and there was imagens which was supposed to be a creative place but i may not even have gotten to that one and there was exit 42z which was inspired by a diary friend, z0tl (who does not write online anymore and sadly, deleted his writings), who i met offline and had a very unique style and there were a bunch of others for other reasons that i may or may not have gotten started including candorb, candorc, candord, candore, candorf, candorg, candorh, candori, candorj, candork, and so on...

i find so many things interesting
there are so many facets to me
sometimes it's a challenge
to keep my thoughts organized

so many things i love to do
so many people i want to talk to
it's a challenge to do it all
there's just not enough time

in this busy life
i love giving caring sharing
that is what i do
for work for fun for play for love

in this busy life
there are so many hats i'm wearing
still i want to know you
what do you do
for work for fun for play for love


besides, this typing into box is way too small here at diaryland which makes editing uncomfortably cramped and the changing size feature doesn't work and is there any speallcheck?... i guess not... but anyway, as you might see by the silence in the rhyming diaries and blogs (and here), the time for rhymes (which is the way i think most times like i used to say i think in rhythms and feel in rhymes and live in harmonies most of the time, or something like that... maybe it was i feel in rhythms and think in rhymes... and the second line was a little different too... wow, i really have come along way from where i used to be and where i used to be sure felt a whole lot closer to me but i am still happy doing what i do now i just miss romance i lost somehow) has disappeared even more than the time for babble as some time in the middle of the last decade i stopped goofing off on the night shift and re-entered the management world when i took a director job at the psychiatric hospital and so began the second phase of working 24/7/365 and simultaneously increased my evening and night time social life because working day shift, there was more time for social life again and that left (and still leaves) so little time for the babbling and the rhymes and the creative play (and i so miss collaborations and music and anybody wanna write a song?... hey gang, let's put on a musical!... who used to say that?... durante?... rooney?... bueller?... anybody?... hello out there) and more, time for the browsing and reading that inspires so much of the babbling and kept me connected with some wonderful writers and brought some online and offline friends into my world (from dear friends i've never met to amazing writers i admire to aquaintences i've connected with offline to a couple of dear friends i've shared fun with offline to a couple of romances that moved from words to the physical world)... what i miss most about the dairy life here are diaryland the family feeling some of us used to share, especially when i had a couple of supergold memberships where we had comment conversations... sheesh, remember icq?... chat rooms?... anybody remember sharetruth?... childinside?... anonanonanon?... ah, memories (you choose the song that follows) and there were the collaborative efforts like smash's multilayered story (dandy is locked and z0tl is gone so many others on my buddy list, alas) and so much more that were so much fun... i miss those... yes, giving myself an hour of remembering life at diaryland back in the last decade does bring back the warm and fuzzies and wonderful memories... where are you all now, i wonder? :)

time time time...

and now, the end is near, and this entry, must be uploaded


which means of course the thought that started this entry will probably be put aside for another time as it is time for the big finish (whatever or what dreams may come), rushed a bit... i have softball practice (did i mention i play a lot of softball and that occupies anywhere from five to fifteen hours a week, usually twelve to fifteen?... and when you figure work occupies anywhere from 60 to 100 hours a week and socializing and housework and the daily basics take a few hours a day, at least, well, that leaves less time than is healthy for sleep so once again, i hear the clock on the wall calling me to let me know if i go to sleep now i can get five hours sleep so i really should think about stepping away from the computer and showering and getting to sleep within the next hour or so cuz i enjoy softball (and play better) when i get sleep and the body is not a puppy anymore, after all... all that said, and whatever else might have been said if i had more time, the gears now shift to you... you being a few diaries i found still going strong, or at least still going now and then, here at diaryland... and even more specifically, i am in the mood, for the moment at least, to remember why i enjoy reading by linking some of the things i explored or learned or giggled at as i read some diaries here in the past 24 hours... for instance, while i don't recall the meaning of the diary name (or even if the writer is male or female, older or younger, east or west, here or there, or much of anything else inconsequential or profoundly meaningful, it is somehow good to see that raven72d is still dropping words into the box here are diaryland and the way with words and musical references (more may follow... you know i'm a sucker for music... even closing with some obscure beatles) and odds and ends and like me, slipping in some shock value when nobody's looking and more and we're not even getting into the literary references or reminders about national donuts day (sometimes, we may seem like we are writing a meandering book report i suppose)... anyway, in those rare moments every year or few that i get over to diaryland, raven72d (has brains, knows how to use them) is included in my visit...


sadly (foolishly too, from the body needs sleep and the softball teams deserves more perspective), the clock on the wall has moved almost an hour since the last paragraph started (hey, copying and pasting links takes time when eyes are blurry from fatigue, ya know?) so i just want to mention that even more sadly, mcearstix is still gone... but speaking of diary names, did anybody else find a visual of a scottish bloke using a q-tip?... of course she was musical too and ever so playful... but then, that is what i did (or seemed to do) too... sometimes we disappear for years (but now this is still an amazing apology i can relate to ever so personally... i'll leave it for you to figure out whether i feel i should give it to someone or receive it from someone... or both), more or less, and sometimes we pop in for a moment... yeah, so there are a whole lot of memories in the diaryland world and a whole lot more there from past lives... and while some are sadly gone, even more sad, so many are locked... so many people i want to reconnect with... so many diaries i want to call out to... so many words i want to share... so many ways i want to care... so many things i want to do... i wonder, is it the same for you?...


ah, time, and all the first world problems we struggle with... gospel truth... like kicking back in a recliner while eating italian ice while typing on a laptop with a fan balanced on the left recliner arm to cool the laptop and a mouse balanced on the right recliner arm and the bowl of ices balanced on the belly and the spoon slipping and dropping some ices into the gap between the laptop and the recliner cuz the 60 inch tv caught some attention for a moment... move everything, clean up, reset everything, continue... such a challenge... such a chore... was it good for you?...

before i go, even though the middle of the many sprouts of answers is and are missing, i shall conclude by posing the rhetorical questions that poorly disguises self-promoting and goes something like... did i mention i moved on to babble here for a while and then attempted brevity again where i write daily now (though brevity sometimes fails there) and expanded over there into about a hundred other blogs that get updated now and then (some weekly, some monthly, some more like whenever) and i'd love you to see them and read them and hug them and squeeze them and take them home and name them george... ok, so you don't need to name them george, in fact, they have names, for what names are worth... it's a wonderful life, really it is... lol lam laa...

obviously it is time for sleep...

nite nite...





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