This is weird, coming here. I feel I have to write something epic, something profound, something to replace the previous massive missive that I hope said something meaningful to someone somewhere out there. I want my words to be worth your time. I wonder if I am putting too much pressure on myself. Ego or concern for you - of course both, I genuinely do not want you wasting your time.

Unless you really want me to.

I am listening to this playlist. Thank you Emma, voice on the internet I find talking in my head sometimes when I am no where near a computer. She might be amused, but does she understand?... who knows. Whatever she might understand, she is one of those voices that call out to me at night (Hey, they are not all in my head). One of those voices who may never know I hear her, but I am here if she calls. Why should everyone who doesn't call me be someone who knows me, after all. I can be rejected from afar, in absensia, in my mind, even. I can give you other references, other names, other links. You've seen me do it here if you've read me along the way. Don't think I haven't thought this through. There is plenty of time to figure it all out behind the walls.

Don't let it go to your head, you may not understand as much as you might think you understand.

How about some slice of life offline reality? Tonight was another orphan thanksgiving dinner for those with minimal or no family in the area. Izzy calls it "Friendsgiving." If I was not growing so cynical, I would probably really like that. I wonder if I am the only one with no biological family. I wonder if I am the only one who has no one ever called family close enough to reach out to if I needed anything. Just to talk, even. The family who adopted me never talked about anything really serious with me. No one ever looked me in the eye as a child and told me if I ever needed to talk, they would listen. It just was not that kind of family. There was some vague and superficial assumption that there was some family bond, but it was not ever consciously acknowledged and I don't buy into assumptions. My walls are imaginary, actually. They dissolve in an instant. That's my fatal flaw.

I may have issues, the jury is still out on that. They have been banging on the door but I just tell them I am still looking for the key and besides, I'm not into judgmental people.

So how are you?

I am hungry, as usual. I am fat and always hungry. I am an American.

Yes, that is probably quotable for those who see reality and don't mind the two edge sword of honesty. Back a couple of decades ago, 1973, actually, I stopped following my own path and consciously decided to try to understand the path of the average normal person. Emotional trauma inspired the decision. For all the decades since I have been working on understanding how to be human, normal, flawed the way everybody else is flawed (instead of just flawed as I am), just to try to fit in and make a connection and find friends and ultimately, find the one. Or to be more precise, another the one. But simply trying to fit in, to not be the singularity in the room.

From the beginnings through all the changes (and as Harry said, they do keep on changing) I've had one underlying goal (as it states in the right sidebar hello and introduction of the one underlying goal link we just passed). . . to learn how to be a human being (by contemporary human standards)... maybe then I won't be so alone.

Yup, that was it. Still is. Through all that was and still is (even the distractions I so ambivalently love to hate {it's only words... and words are all I have... yeah, yeah, yeah} have not altered the course {or heart or core or postal delivery for those still corresponding by snails} enough to change it {a zig zag line [which zig zag line? lol... inside joke ~I started, no doubt~, aye? lam] still goes in one overall direction} and the evidence is right there waiting, like me, for anyone who cares to explore what makes me tic and more enough to find it) was always designed to lead me (back to your door where I once belonged, aye?) to where I am, always just a moment away from finding everything I ever wanted. How much more exciting can a moment be, after all? :)

Maybe if only it made sense to someone outside my head :)

I should thank Harry, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Billy, Elton, Bernie, Jackson, Barry, Maurice, Robin, and a multitude of others, not to mention all ships at sea, at least, for the references in the previous paragraphs and throughout my babblings, but I'll do that another time in another way when we all get together again.

For now, I'll just thank you for following along as well as you are able and gaze into your eyes lovingly at the wonder of it all.

Blink.

Blinks can be magical, ya know?

Ah, yes, I am still hoping to find friends and love and the one and that is one big reason I continue to put words online. I am a hopeful fool. A hopelessly hopeful romantic fool. But just in case someone takes this dream of perfect love seriously, I've decided to remind myself and anyone reading of some of the key aspects of the person I seek.

I want the one to be heavily into songwriting, science fiction, empathy, food, softball (and sports), creativity and nurturing and watching creativity grow, and stillness, infinite stillness, just to mention a few must-have qualities to be ideal. If she is a genius, I would not complain at all. If she is Mila Kunis, I would complain to Ashton Kusher. Wait, I am serious. Ask me to explain if you are interesting in helping me find the one or if you think you might be. Serious inquiries only, thank you.

You can't mock me more than I do, so dance with the devil in the pale moonlight if you dare, but expect to be laughing if you survive.

I will accept a the one (it just dawned on me that I probably should trademark the one the way Dangerspouse has trademarked NewWifey(tm)... maybe that is why I am still looking, not (tm). Certainly couldn't be not enough (tmi), but that's another horse of another color for another time) who is not ideal, for sure, if there is mutual understanding.

Ah, leave me my dreams, as La Dolce Gilda s sweetly said.

It really is no miracle, what I want is just this... A heart that writes the never ending love song, a mind that lives in science fiction, and spirit that actualizes empathy, a body that adores food of all kinds and loves sports, especially softball, and optimal fitness, a soul as still and as creative as possible, and above all else, mutual understanding. There is a start of the person I would like to spend the rest of this life with.

Or at least be a friend or roommate.

Yes, I am still looking for a roommate. The current living conditions continue to deteriorate as the very nice kind-hearted rather naive young man I live with continues to surprise me with his lack of personal hygiene and amazing absence of housekeeping skills. Most recently, a large pile of sweepings sat in the middle of the floor blocking the entry to the kitchen for several weeks. He sweeps when he has guests which is rarely. He started sweeping a couple of weeks ago when he expected guests and they cancelled so the cleaning halted in mid-clean. There are dirty clothes on the floor all over the house and the kitchen would be condemned by a blind health inspector. I eat out of cans when I am here and eating out frequently is not helping me increase my savings, nor is it helping me maintain the svelt figure I promised myself I would return to. I don't like myself when I break promises to myself, but then, I always did want to fit in with others.

Not this much.

He really is a nice kind-hearted fellow, but then, so is Pigpen and I probably wouldn' want to room with hm long either in spite of his clever insights. Alas, no such insights here.

This started as a letter to J, a wonderful writer and artist who used to write here at Diaryland more than a decade ago. She doesn't want to now, but I keep asking. Anyway, this became an introspective entry for me and a thank you, all of you and the universe too, for being there, whomever you are, whenever you get here, for I am so appreciative of your being even when I do not stay in touch and only share in these sort of one way babbles and these words are still true, even if sometimes only here...

And as always thank you too, Dr. Seuss, wherever you are.

Weebop, another online old friend (from before the turn of the millenium, perhaps) reminded me that I wrote that little write umpteen years ago by posting it on Facebook. I rarely interact on Facebook, though I do store things on dozens of pages there for posterity. Posterity must hate me by now. Anyway, I still feel it (that rhyme above) and still want you, dear readers, to know it. Maybe the holiday everyone celebrates influenced me even though I am not a fan of this holiday. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for a lot, but I don't ignore the atrocities done in the name of manifest destiny.

Did I mention I went to a Thanksgiving dinner tonight? I was good. I did not discuss the state of the world with anyone other than Julie who shares many of my views. She is brilliant and in the news business. Yes, mainstream media. She edits videos for the evening news. I did not bring up my distaste for this holiday and all white Europeans and now most "Americans" have made of it. I tried to be positive and I believe I succeeded. I did my best not to focus too much energy or awareness on the fact that almost everyone was grossly overweight and the healthy active influence I seek was not there tonight. I wonder why I am attracting obese friends and I suppose it is because I am reaching obese proportions again and I do not give out healthy vibs to the healthy people nearing my energy field. There are some at work, though not the three I interact with most. I know that I will focus on my health and fitness when I want to, when placating my dissatisfaction with my current life with food becomes less desirable than dying fat and broken. I just hope I do it before I die.

Dear me... can we start healing again tomorrow?

Probably not. It's the holiday season, after all.

Meanwhile on the social frontier, as if there was a segue that could be neat and tidy, I may be moving a bit closer to Izzy as she enjoys shows so we are going to see Love Never Dies tomorrow. I've known her ten years or so, but don't know her well enough to have shared how I relate to love, relationships, and people, no less the Phantom of the Opera story or music (can we understate anything any more?... evermore, even?), but perhaps we will share and bond a bit more tomorrow. I certainly would like a new close friend who can share a serious conversation, though I have not gotten that vib from her over the years. She likes being in a romantic relationship and I have no desire for more than platonic friendship with her. Many people do not take that simple honesty too well. She'd have to get much more active and fit to even get close to me emotionally (the last thing this body, my health, and my continued living needs is a sedentary obese best friend... it's simple self-preservation and any true friend not only understands that, but supports it whole-heartedly). If you've been reading me for any length of time then you know my platonic relationships can be more serious and intense than most romantic relationships (remember Jackson?). We shall see if that is something she wants.

On another meanwhile, when it comes to the current status of self-care of this body... I am sadly and absent-mindedly as sick as the rest of the culture.

I finally fit in.

Looking back (retrospectively, of course) on the idea of becoming a more "normal human" I wonder (rhetorically, of course)... this really what I wanted?

Fitting in is not all it's cracked up to be.

Narf :}

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Wait! Don't stop now! Get excited! Before you turn off your computer (because reading this is all you turned it on to do, right?), go tell z0tl to come out from under his rock again. And more often. Humanity needs him. I need him. You need him, believe me. And wish him a happy belated birthday while you're at it. He turned 511 earlier this month. The Fifth of November wasn't just an Irish thing, after all.

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Wait! (?), just when you thought it was over, I have an important announcement. . . Wolf!

Wait (please?), I am not simply mocking the boy who cried wolf and myself as I project this pretentious sense of self-importance as if you've been waiting for me to update here with baited breath. Did you ever wonder what baited breath smells like? Why is it considered something good or even exciting? Bait stinks. Even refrigerated.

Am I distracting us from something?

Fact is, if you want to know what's going on in this life I loosely call mine the answer is simple, go here. It's the current daily blog, in case it matters. For more details, dirt, and drama, go here. That's the current babbling blog that promises more profundity and meaningful babble than any previous blog.That jury is still locked up too, but hey, judge for yourself. Just not too judgmentally, m'ok? It could just be a meaningless sales pitch. Seriously (oh, that wasn't?), three other daily blogs containing more than ten thousand entries have come and gone between here and there. Where've you been?

What's all that about a milion little pieces?

Reality here is that am lonely, not sad. I am happier alone than with anyone who pretends, judges, or otherwise fears honesty. That does not mean my longing for relationships and TheOne(tm) is any less intense than ever. It simply means all this writing in this and many other entries is not a waste of time for me (hopefully not for you either) as it gives me proof that I will not give up on finding TheOne(tm) or any other activity partner or friend.

All that seriousness, and still I can laugh at the sky.

Can you laugh at the sky?

Why?

Narf :)

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)