I feel like a blob of blubber oozing out from a tiny little person (and every who down in Whoville) who's gasping for breath and wondering how much longer I can tread water (is that what God asked Noah, trying to keep things light?... or maybe that was just the Bill Cosby edition of the Bible)... but then, what do I know, I'm just ooze... yeah, that's it, you can call me Ooze...

ok, so the good news is I do not smoke or drink or play with recreational drugs (or any drugs, for that matter, though I am for legalization and have no preaching to do about anything, I just think I've outgrown the artificial parties... unless, of course, the right person came along at the right moment with the right idea, but that's besides the point and as usual I am digressing before I begin)... ok, so I do not like being around cigarette smoke and firmly feel that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray and I really did get tired of alcohol a while back (it's not as if I need to looser up my inhibitions)... and my taste buds seldom crave meat unless it's lean and barbecued and even then, I don't think it's fair to the animals and definitely do not feel safe eating factory-farmed meats because they animal is often shot up with steroids and antibiotics and other drugs that do not good for the body and they can be rather sickly by the time they are slaughtered... and I like soy, so when my ill-advised taste buds crave a cheeseburger, well, I can be a happy camper going Vegan again... though cheese and ice cream are the weak spots...

all that to say, I have innately healthy habits... I am not addicted to daily wake-up caffeine and have even been known to go for weeks without chocolate (shhhh, don't tell)... I love exercise and am physically happiest in this body when I am running six to ten miles a day at well under 8 minute miles pace...

my weak links are taste buds and a psychological hunger for love and sharing that somehow gets placated by certain comfort foods... when I am feeling overly stressed or my routine is put upon insensitively or I am feeling unloved or negated or used or abused, I take solace in the fact that I am free to eat something that sets off smiling hormones in this brain and a sense of satiation (satiation?... I think so) in this body...

can you tell this is a follow up to yesterday's entry yet?... can you tell where it is going?... do we really want to know?...

well, I got home from work and was all set to do it two days in a row, that is, let sleep envelope me and wake whenever enough sleep filled me and then eat something healthy and continue the pattern started this weekend... and just minutes before I was closing my eyes, guess who we find sleeping... that's over-sleeping, actually... yes, Precious did it again... and after waiting for her to get ready and then driving her to school (cuz Raspy is still sans vehicle), I am awake and open the fridge... there's a leftover rib (my roommies hate leftovers and usually throw out more food in a week than some people eat in a week, so I've taken to selectively eating their leftovers because it rubs me the wrong way to throw out food... that may be how I got sick though... where's the denial button when I need it)... and since the rib was rather fatty and only gave me a nibble of edible substance, I continue exploring the fridge... there's leftover taco stuff... so I make a few white bread tacos, since that is all the bread there is in the house, and that part of me that was kept awake sort of against my better judgement is satisfied...

then I slowly nod off after a few episode of the oroginal Twilight Zone... so why am I awake now?... well, the Josh Groban fan club (Precious and her best friend) decided to stop off here after school and the giggling woke Raspy and me... Raspy went back to bed, but I seem to be awake, probably because I am deep down perturbed about my giving into the environmental influences (I mean, I could have just laid down and skipped the comfort food this morning... by the way, for me the cheese, bread, sour cream, and ketchup qualify as comfort foods in a taco, just in case you were wondering... ketchup makes almost anything comfort food... I could have just taken care of my adopted daughter/niece and felt good about being needed and trusted and appreciated {mostly} and not felt put-upon, facing the fact that the put-upon feeling has little to do with the fact that I do give a lot more than I get in this life, but simply a self-pity reaction to having no one to love me and only me {definitely too my self-analysis to avoid my responsibility in my choices... this is a good sign, even as I grumble about it... shhhhh}... yeah, I could be wise and mature and all that... aherm)...

ok, the bottom line is as long as I am following the steps for my dance for a happy life (that would be three steps forward, two steps back, and one to the side), I should be fine...

there is wonderful news... absolutely yay! news... somebody (who shall remain nameless, at least for now, simply because I don't want everybody to expect her to call cuz that would be unfair and maybe cuz I just want to savor the personal attention that was all mine for a few moments) called me moments after I uploaded last night's entry and said just the right things... this, of course, provides me with further evidence that she is practically perfect in every way, in my mind, you know, in a Mary Poppins kind of way (cuz I believe she can work magic with ordinary objects, though I am not sure about umbrellas, and she seems to always have the right thing to say and she has best attitude for any job that must be done... she is definitely an element of fun)... in any case, the personal attention and truly genuine caring I received is our secret and nobody has to know... but everybody love her... cuz everybody should...

so summarizing this entry so far, me stupid, she wonderful...

maybe if I lay a guilt trip on myself about failing my wonderfully supportive phone calling friend by falling off the healthy lifestyle wagon before I actually got both legs off the ground... well, if you know me you're laughing because guilt works about as well on me as psychoanalysis might work on an snail... neither will get either of us where we're going any faster...

but I do appreciate the caring so very intensely enormously infinitely much, really I do I do I do... can you tell I have been starved for personalized caring?... too much honest exposure of my innards?... I can tone it down some if it's too pathetic... hopefully you see me laughing at myself which reassures you that I am not a total loser because deep down I am secure enough to expose my hunger for love and affection and attention and personal caring that is mine and all mine for all the world to see even if it gives me the appearance of a dork in raggedy frills... remember, the real me is way out there...

and here's a segue as if to prove the point, I must (yes, I must) say that she is right and I feel a sense of weird comradery with her... not because she plays a fat, disfigured, shrinking, lesbian on TV, but because of some other intangible I have yet to fully put my finger on (see finger wiggling)... I'll keep you posted...

so am I the pathetic sniveling beggar for love and attention or am I the cool cavalier casual confident cleverly disguised comedian securely playing the chords of human frailty on the heart strings of mankind?... omigosh, read that?... provocative, aren't we?...

and you know how to find out what's real... 407-325-1482.

I suppose I am also awake because I knew Raspy doesn't have a ride to work tonight... he just woke up and confirmed it... he was going to call a cab for $40 (he works a half hour away)... there goes a hunk of my evening... and since I'm out, I could continue being stupid and spend money and stop for some dinner... hey, I have tomorrow to try to get smart again, right?... yes, these changes should not be rushed... cold turkey is not appealing (who am I?... I mean, what did I do with me?... I am the one who only did chanes cold turkey because inconsistent reinforcement and indecisive decisions are just plain stupid because it does not work... after clearing my throat, I look for some clever repartee about my being too smart for my own good... stop laughing... well, never mind, you can laugh... I shouldn't, of course, but hey, my amusements are minimal these days so... waaaa, waaaa, oh my, poor me, aye?... laughter is good)...

I did want to wake up and watch The 4400 tonight... it sounds like kind of the reverse of Taken... I missed it first time around on the other station it was on... but commit to watching two hours of prime time TV three weeknights?... doesn't sound like me... maybe I am changing... I wonder if it's for the better...

well, it is time to hop into my shiney red Chevy Cavalier and take Raspy to work... pay no attention the man behind the steering wheel... the great and powerful Ooze has spoken...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)