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2005-02-21 - 10:50 p.m. facing something somebody found $35,000 in a bag and turned it in... I've got to wonder what I would do in that situation... I'll let you know if it ever happens... I hope to let you know soon... today was a catch up on sleep day, as all Mondays should be given my current work schedule... it is actually a catch up on weekend sleep, since I work Sunday night and push through to Monday morning... too often other things turn up Monday morning to distract me, but mostly my life-habits... eating pattern and TV and lack of exercise, specifically... I slid back into a morning meal and Sci-Fi TV all day pattern again, which does not fit into a night shift schedule well because sleep is best to sleep during the day, wake with time for a shower and meal in the evening, then go to work... I did that today... I feel a lot better... we shall see whether this healthier schedule spreads into a healthier lifestyle... it often does and has so far... in the last six months (since the hurricanes) we've lived in a noisy construction zone and that has influenced the sleep pattern a lot... it has allowed my lazy gene a perfect excuse to take over, stop exercising, eat poorly, sleep poorly, and just live poorly... roommate with very messy and unhealthy habits added to the mix influenced the slide into stupidity even more... and then, for no apparent reason, I stopped the cycle this weekend... no conscious decision, just said no to their eating pattern, let them go out without me (luckily they found a ride because they haven't had a vehicle since Raspy had an accident before Christmas)... and I did not stop for Code Red and snacks this week... saving money... changing eating habits... sleep habits... if I add exercise to this mix this week, I'll consider this a first step towards an actual change... my feeling of being screwed by the management of these apartments and having to see the management if I go to the gym might be an obstacle to getting me to feel comfortable going to the gym... stupid. not quite as stupid as the storyline of this season of 24, which is as unrealistic as it can be, at least I hope it is not realistic because if that is how our super-secret highest-level national security handle potential disasters, well, it's just a matter of time before our species is extinct... but that is just the easy distraction in front of me as Precious watches one of her favorite shows... ok, refocus... so maybe this is a face the stupid, face the denial, face the avoidances that have lead to bad habits and an unhealthy lifestyle... separating my habits and activities from the addicts I live with while still living them is one challenge... overcoming my hunger for socialization is another challenge... overcoming my own taste buds and weakness for fatty and sweet comfort foods is another challenge... overcoming the laziness gene is another challenge... and this is just the beginning... if it is actually a beginning... since I've been sleeping through life for a while now and the last six months have been going on the opposite direction of waking up, it would be nice to experience a change... maybe I'm finally tired of waiting for somebody else to care (and I don't mean you out there, I mean somebody in my daily physical life) enough to be a positive influence... the suicidal lifestyle of the average person in this country is not my way, but it's easier to go with the flow than to live a healthy life... and it's a whole lot less lonely... maybe it is time to just swallow the pill and live more alone... eat alone, because I have no healthy eaters to eat with... exercise alone, because I have no one in my daily life interested in exercise... even after a few year of this, being outside of the couples world, having no personal one-on-one relationship, I am not quite used to it... even though I have always been, on many levels, a loner-child, I am happier when living with a partner, someone who shares interests, concerns, and mutual choices on the details of life... and still I am happiest when I am in love with someone who is in love with me... maybe it's the time of year... memory might be sweetening the facts, but finding intimacy used to be much simpler and easier for me... I don't mean sex, I mean friends, the intimacy of trusting someone to be a best friend... then again, maybe it was easier when I did mean sex... I was never a player or even much of a flirt, but since I've stopped looking in a flirtatious way I've been more alone... I am just not interested in superficial contacts on any level anymore... but maybe superficial is the way to begin in this world, or at least in this country... loneliness sucks... anyway, I won't be celebrating the change in lifestyle and healthier attidute and body and all that just yet... this entry is mostly to notice something changed over this weekend... and hopefully it'll continue and spill over into the rest of life and creativity and socializing and then... and then... and then... laughter is good J hope you are enjoying your life today... and if you happen to be a healthy influence and happen to be in Orlando and happen to have room in your life for an honest person and loyal friend, well, I hope you say hello 407-325-1482... heck, even if you're not in Orlando J
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