ok, so I am still bleary between the ears, still blurry between the eyes, still (mumble something semi-coherent here)... so rather than try to pretend I can actually write an entry here, I thank Jay for the story below...

not that Jay wrote the story below, but he provided the idea and link to the website that did write the story below... yes, a website wrote the story below... I supplied some names and key words and it produced the story below in it's entirety all by itself...

well, not completely all by itself... I admit that I changed a word or few here and there to make it make more or less sense and fit in better here in casa de candoor where fiction is only a joke because this is life in black and white, after all...

it's a fine distraction from the other distractions and loose ends and depths I left hanging all through this week and until I find time and energy to create more fabric from the strands of thoughts, this is the closest to a fictional story you'll probably see from me (unless you know my secret identity as a famous author, but don't tell because it would blow the illusion, not to mention the joke)...

this entry probably won't be out here fronting for long as I've got a few more entries in progress and it is the weekend, after all... but then, you'll find it in the archives if you are like me and simply refuse to miss a word of my favorites (and if I'm not a favorite, you won't miss it)...

hear Aerosmith?...

ok, so there's really nothing more profound or coherent to say today so let's just jump into the story below...

It all started when our (former porn) star, Apple Brown Betty, woke up in a secret vineyard surrounded by dead batteries and several empty bottles. It was the ninth time it had happened this year, and it was only February 3rd. Feeling very displeased, Apple Brown Betty sucked on a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Heart filled with earnest fortitude, she realized that her beloved chalice of infinite splendor was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, Candoor. Apple Brown Betty had known Candoor for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Candoor was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... convoluted. Apple Brown Betty called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Candoor picked up to a very perturbed Apple Brown Betty. Candoor calmly assured her that most Indonesian devil cats lick themselve twenty-three times before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually fart explosively and grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Apple Brown Betty. Why was Candoor trying to distract Apple Brown Betty? Because he had snuck out from Apple Brown Betty's with the chalice of infinite splendor only sixteen hours prior. It was an electric little chalice of infinite splendor... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Apple Brown Betty got back to the subject at hand: her chalice of infinite splendor. Candoor turned colors. Relunctantly, Candoor invited her over, assuring her they'd find the chalice of infinite splendor. Apple Brown Betty grabbed her rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Candoor realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the chalice of infinite splendor and he had to do it serendipitously. He figured that if Apple Brown Betty took the time machine, he had take at least three minutes before Apple Brown Betty would get there. But if she took the the heartmobile? Then Candoor would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Candoor was interrupted by three annoying picklefishs that were lured by the radiance of the chalice of infinite splendor. Candoor giggled; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he aimlessly reached for his divining rod and ruthlessly tickled every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent and a little delight. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the the heartmobile rolling up. It was Apple Brown Betty.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados for the pits, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, Apple Brown Betty was out of the the heartmobile and went scandalously jaunting toward Candoor's front door. Meanwhile inside, Candoor was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the chalice of infinite splendor into a box of malodourous fish-oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his hammock. Candoor was concerned but at least the chalice of infinite splendor was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Candoor sassily purred. With a hasty push, Apple Brown Betty opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive beer-sloshed tool in a pimp fresh, candy-painted 'Lac,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Candoor assured her. Apple Brown Betty took a seat uncomfortably close to where Candoor had hidden the chalice of infinite splendor. Candoor cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Apple Brown Betty was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Candoor noticed a peevish look on Apple Brown Betty's face. Apple Brown Betty slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Candoor felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Apple Brown Betty asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the chalice of infinite splendor right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Apple Brown Betty's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have an Indonesian devil worm problem. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Apple Brown Betty nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Candoor could react, Apple Brown Betty recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The chalice of infinite splendor tumbled out.

Apple Brown Betty stared at Candoor for what what must've been eleven hours. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Candoor groped sassily in Apple Brown Betty's direction, clearly desperate. Apple Brown Betty grabbed the chalice of infinite splendor and bolted for the door. It was locked. Candoor let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Apple Brown Betty,' he chided. Candoor always had been a little selfish and unpredictable, so Apple Brown Betty knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Candoor did something crazy, like... start chucking peacock feathers at her or something. Suddenly cheered up by the Mary Tyler Moore Show theme song, she gripped her chalice of infinite splendor tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Candoor looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Apple Brown Betty. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame two days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Apple Brown Betty. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Candoor walked over to the window and looked down. Apple Brown Betty was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Apple Brown Betty was struggling to make her way through the fire swamp behind Candoor's place. Apple Brown Betty had severely hurt her scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral picklefishs suddenly appeared, having caught a glimpse of the glow of the chalice of infinite splendor. One by one they latched on to Apple Brown Betty. Already weakened from her injury, Apple Brown Betty yielded to the scaley onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of picklefishs slinking off with her chalice of infinite splendor.

But then God came down with Her intelligent smile and restored Apple Brown Betty's chalice of infinite splendor. Feeling worried, God smote the picklefishs for their injustice. Then she smoked them, just for good measure. Then She got in Her amphibious vehicle and zipped away with the fortitude of 20 man-eating capybaras chasing a huge pack of South American hissing sloths. Apple Brown Betty dripped with joy when she saw this. Her chalice of infinite splendor was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes her favorite TV show, The Evening News with Bob Saget, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When long-haired sea monkeys make pipe bombs'). Apple Brown Betty was thrilled. And so, everyone except Candoor and a few weapon of mass destruction-toting man-eating capybaras lived blissfully happy, forever after.

*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright � www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

create your own story

I hope you enjoyed the story, purely a distraction and not in any way actually related to life offline in the physical world we tend to call real...

I think...

feel free to check with my mind if you happen to visit and locate it because I somehow misplaced it this week and am hopeful it will return in time to complete the dangling entries that have been uploaded and the few that have not been uploaded yet...

nite nite...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)