much away from computer time has happened here behind the candor...

the weekend just passed was 50% given away to Minnie and family (as she has custody of her brother's nine year old daughter now and there went two weeks of my salary in one day... and I promised at least another two weeks salary to help them find a place in Orlando because the job market is better here than where they are currently staying on the west coast... definitely an unplanned expense I'll be strapping myself down to make up for until summer rolls around (any wonder why I don't get a new computer?... what can I say, they kid needed clothes and they needed stuff)...

if you do not recall, Minnie calls me dad cuz I adopted her back in the nineties when she was in her mid-teens and found me on ICQ... chatting lead to meeting her mom and mutual adoption by her family and I always had a place to crash when I wandered through Orlando and when her mom died shortly after I returned to this area from the great white north for the last time (at least the last time so far) I promised her I'd keep looking out for Minnie and it was her wedding in Chattanooga I mentioned in the early months of this diary and relocated back to Florida now...

the other 50% of the weekend went to sleep...

yes, I slept close to 24 hours in a single shot (with maybe a couple of bathroom breaks)... the reason was partly because I was awake about 36 hours Friday and Saturday, but more is the bug invading this body through my right ear...

you may recall that Precious had a cold, then a sore throat that turned into strep throught... that bug, or something like it, apparently did not like the fact that I was gargling daily with antesceptic mouthwash to make my throat inhospitable for it and well, it found a way to move into my ear along about Thrusday... it's been fighting for supremacy with my anitbodies ever since and while I've had much worse earaches, it's definitely holding it's own so far...

to complicate matters further, some time this weekend while I was running from store to store with Minnie and family, Precious found out that she has mono and I do not mean she lost the stereo on her computer, I mean mononucleosis... won't that be fun...

I am pondering whether I should call my doctor and ask for a test (as I was already pondering calling if the ear got any worse)... while I can be a big baby, a life of rarely having anyone around who might play a parental role for me has made me rather independent and I seldom take medications or see doctors... in fact, in the past few years since deciding to go for a check-up and finding my blood pressure bordlerline high (ironically, twenty years ago it would have been considered perfectly normal), I've visited the doctor more often than ever before...

the fact that Krispy Kreme is right next door does play a factor, I suppose, but I do indulge my doctor's requests for regular check ups since my insurance covers most of it and I figure it's about time I let modern medicine have a go at this body... so far I've had a full cardio stress test and the cardiologist asked me why I was waisting his time... he gave me thirty seconds of his time and got paid about $1000, so I didn't feel sorry for him... I also had a colonoscopy, which was grand fun to watch but not something I'll do again too soon... we'll all be pleased to know that everything was fine in my digestive tract...

the next specialist I am scheduled to see is a gastroenterologist because I have some liver enzymes slightly higher than my ever so careful doctor wants them... they (the liver enzymes) were quite normal before I started taking the blood pressure medication that she talked me into (and it took more than a year to talk me into it) and I'm pointing at those pills as the culprit, but she wants to rule out Hepatitis (which was in the back of my mind too) because I have been in the health care field for most of my adult life and early on I did provide CPR without a mask for hundreds of people, two specifically who were Hep B positive... I've always come up negative on Hep tests, but there is a certain Hep strain that takes decades to show up and I sure do hope I don't find myself among the few who developed that particular one...

come to think of it, back in my sordid past I did spend while bathing my liver in alcohol and various other drugs, so I'll make an appointment any day now with the gastro-doc...

more immediately, however, I am quite bugged by the bug in my ear and the fact that I've been so close to mono recently... given that neither of my roommates have what could be called exceptionally sanitary living habits (I try to remember to wash everything before using it even if it was washed and put away supposedly clean because most of the time the dishes and silverware and pots and kitchen stays piled dirty and who knows what sort of stuff grows in there), the chances of exposure to anything they get is very high...

I've average a minor cold ever few years until recently and since living with them I've felt this body fighting off bugs more often than ever before... of course I am letting my own resistence drop by not exercising regularly, so maybe (he says with a despondent sigh that is not filled with much hope) this will be impetus to get back to a regular gym and running routine...

I suppose this is how aging happens... partly time, partly giving up on the physical work required to stay healthy, fit, and feeling young... but golly gee Mergatroid, I still don't have anybody to grow old along with me like Robert Browning wrote and John Lennon sung about... am I really starting to accept loneliness so much that I am willing to die lonely?... perish the thought (please?)...

I just got my five year pin from this organization... I left the management position I had with the State of NY shortly after reaching the twelve year mark with them... these are the two longest (by far) periods I spent with one employer... leaving the NY job was only because I wanted to leave NY and move south where it's warm because I love tropical climates and tired of winter... the substantial pay cut was worth it, though lifestyle and choices changed dramatically when the savings ran out (with a lot of help from so-called friends)...

in New York I had a very healthy social and love life, though I had settled for a best friend with benefits relationship (which is wonderful and makes for a very healthy marriage if you are not a hopelessly hopeful romantic like me) and when she chose to stay in NY I finally decided that I'd give the romantic a chance to find more while giving the rest of me the climate I so longed for since I first learned that there were places in the world without winter...

but I am thinking that Orlando has not been at all good my social or love life... maybe it's the town and the people it attracts, maybe it's the south in general, maybe I am just looking for reasons to explain why I've been sleeping alone for years... it is mostly my choice, I reject advances from people who do not turn me on because I would rather masturbate than have to close my eyes and not touch much to imagine they did (turn me on)... fact is, not too many people have the right mix of body and personality and intellect and attitude and beliefs to turn me on... and with the passing years and drop in income, I am gradually losing those things that attract and turn on others...

I never wanted to be a rich old guy who gave gifts to get sex and love and pretend it's for real, so I suppose I am happy I gave up that opportunity because I can see the temptation looks more appealing as loneliness extends over time...

maybe it's feeling really bugged by this bug that has me pondering mortality and loneliness in this light... I tell myself that I find everyone I meet too depressed or repressed to really get close to and it could be that I have been alone I long enough to wonder if that is true (and a voice of reason who's been here before reassures me that I am a fool to doubt myself because every time I tested my senses I've been proven right and it's cost me dearly in time and money and emotional energy and ultimetly, in life)...

is there anybody who understand what I mean out there?...

is there anybody who really believes you are not depressed or repressed?... the current specialty of my work focuses on kids who are depressed and repressed because they were abused... one reason I can get close because there is no sexual tension at all because there is no subliminal turn on because they are depressed and repressed... they sense that and so can trust me much more than most males and they need that because it's usually a male who abused them sexually... I choose to work with kids because the risk of them wanting more from me is much much less than it is with adults who too easily fall in love with their doctor or therapist when they are working through severe depression...

so rarely do I find someone who can clearly differentiate within themselves (no less with others) between the unconditional trust and unconditional love that true healing requires and the romantic trust and love that the subconscious seems to want as much, even more maybe, than the primal instinct for sex and procreation (why else would physical sex-idols marry only to separate... the emotional instinct for love is stronger than the sexual instinct for turn-on... if it wasn't, it seems to me that couples with all the right parts in all the right places would not split up so much)...

maybe I am just spouting personal theory now, but I believe I have the proof in my own interactions in this lifetime and those who've come close enough say they agree with me, so for whatever it's worth, I think I am right in my ideas above and coming up...

and when you find someone who can unconditionally trust and love, who trusts him or her self to give such an open door, falling in love with that person is instinctive... if you are not consciously aware of the instinctive draw that unconditional trust and love has on the psyche, then there's little, perhaps no choice in the matter...

for better or worse, many have developed blocks, walls, traps and pitfalls preventing them from falling in love and they develop habits that undermine their instincts... confusion and depression follow, sometimes on very mild almost indistinguishable levels... often mild enough so the person can easily deny it (and since denial is the norm in our culture, those who suggest otherwise are generally ignored or accepted as wrong...

and I sense those relatively mild, almost indistinguishable levels of confusion and depression and they are a turn off for me, especially when combined with denial...

perhaps I am in denial myself and perhaps I am also confused or depressed on some level, mild or not... I don't think so, but then, anyone in denial would say the same thing... and perhaps it does not matter...

maybe I just have too much lonely time on my hands and maybe I just think too much...

I know my experience beyond words and I hope to share it one day, hoping some not only can understand, but shares the same experience within themselves in living this life and interacting with others...

this is the sharing I have yet to find...

so I give as I can give and because I need so little, because I can give unconditional trust and love, because I sense as I sense, feel as I feel, and share as I share, because I seem to be able to handle anything and am willing to give because I love giving, I always find myself in the parental role no matter what I want in a relationship...

suddenly I have a flash of a Peter Pan God mix (and could that be why The Waterboys and their god Pan amused me so when I first heard their songs... I'd like to talk to Mike Scott about that, even if it is a tangent)... I do dream of finding a mother and I am not sure if I want her to be a lover (Oedepus did that already), but then, all the archetypal stories come from the desires and fears, the denials and repessions, the euphorias and depressions that humans feel instinctively and without confusion, depression, or repression, then love is love no matter how it is shared...

being an adoptee, I had no real personal experience with incest taboos or the possibilities of genetic deformities that those taboos probably came from... being without a constant family from birth, I had no real experience with attachment and loss as most humans experience them... being given the choice (because I realized I had the choice) to think, feel, and be as I wanted to be from my first thoughts, I have no real experience (other than observation and what I can learn from interaction) with the sense of having no choice, with the power of familial obligation or guilt or instinctive desires that are accepted as uncontrollable because the fact that there is a choice is unknown to the person...

the mind is an amazing organ... it may control everything the body does... and I believe it is possible to be in touch with the mind on levels that no one I've met appears to believe possible... and I have given up much of the connection I used to feel between my conscious mind what we call the sub and unconscious mind and the further connection with this body...

and even in my current fog (as I see it), I find no one who claims to see what I see, feel what I feel, or know what I know... and I've yet to meet someone who loves as I love, trusts as I trust, gives as I give, or shares as I share...

so what does it all mean...

if anything...

I live this life, I write, I do what I can do and give what I can give... this is a large part of my happiness because this feels good... and yet I want to share it more... I want a more balanced and equal sharing... I want to find someone who understands what I mean and sees, feels, knows, loves, trusts, gives, and shares as I share...

more would be fine too, since I am far from perfect and can definitely learn to sees, feels, knows, loves, trusts, gives, and shares more...

these thoughts come from the fact that I am giving so much time and energy and material stuffs (which are basically, like money, just stored time and energy) to others and receiving less than ever on every level in this life at this time... every time I see, feel, know, love, trust, and give more of myself I wonder if I will ever find someone who can and will reciprocate with me...

and I sigh a comfortable sigh because I am who I am and who I want to be... if I never find an equal partner in sharing this life, I will die wishing I did, but feeling I did my best to live and share this life...

and hopefully I'll live a while longer too J

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)