ok, another day another workout... is that thirteen in a row?... only seventeen to go and we can call it a change of habit... should I feel like a closet nun?... what does a closet nun do in the closet, anyway?... or under her habit, for that matter?...

I think I'll start again...

ok, another day, another entry... yesterday I was into the sauce, not in the old movie dialog sense, but in the fluidity of internet browsing and free associative thought sense (probably a reaction to the days before when I did not have time to do anything but to wave hi with a smile I just happen to have around for busy days)... today I am not going to rush away to work (almost, as I almost picked up an extra shift, but not this week)... I am going to relax and enjoy some leisure time (and give my body a little rest time as I can feel my kidneys pushing sediment through the tubes, which is definitely not a good feeling... hopefully the ultrasound I had done a couple of weeks ago will help the docs provide some sort of good prognosis that will help my kidneys continue to do their job without creating problems for the rest of this body... going for more water now...

maybe it's time to shower and eat something...

and back from a nice hot relaxing shower and delicious meal (veal and eggplant parm with pasta) and as fat would have it, Raspy woke up needing to use the bathroom just as Precious went into theirs so he asked to use mine... with his hygiene habits I thought about saying no, but I was the friend and said ok... hopefully he didn't miss the bowl too much, being that he was sleepwalking... after I asked if he was going to buy me dinner because the kitchen stinks too much to cook in, Precious finally did clean the kitchen so the stench is gone... I guess he got the message, for the moment, but he ignores the smells and mess so well, it may be a continuous process of reminding them to clean up behind themselves, living here, but that is the bottom line of life in a single parent family, aye?...

meanwhile, the TV blares Drumline again (this must be the tenth time in the past month), but Precious is actually sitting facing me and watching my reactions to it more than watching the movie and since I've seen it way too many times recently, I'm not looking up at the TV much... clue for getting my attention: if you want to share something, make it something that hasn't been repeated so often in a short period of time and if it isn't a brand new film, make it interactive... I think it's time for me to get out a little, huh? (if you don't feel my grin, my words are not clear, and I am sensing that might be happening more than I'd like these days, so what can I say to help you hear the contented peacefulness in here?)...

the world is well represented by my immediate living environment... humans are filthy animals, soiling their world and wasting most resources, expending way more energy than is required to get anything done... lazily wallowing in their slop and trying to convince themselves and everyone else through any means necessary that their way is right... if I took it upon myself to feel all the pain and waste and suffering that happens at human hands, I'd never know peace in this world... luckily I understood the separation of beings instinctively as I made my first steps into the interactions we call living... amd what goes on outside of this body, outside of my mind, is sad, but it does not have to always bring me down... egocentrically it can give me a bit of a lift knowing I do not do as much damage to myself or the world as the average human... but universally, knowing we are all travellers passing through this time and space, maybe on our way to somewhere and maybe to nowhere, but the best each individual can do is what pleases the heart and brings peace to the mind... living as harmless and positive as possible does that for me... helping others does that for me... so I'll continue trying to find ways to help those around me live a healthier and more positive life while remembering that their mess is not me... and when I find too much of a mess or too much repetition of the same old external escapes, I will, like a favorite old song says, close my eyes and let my world unfold around me...

and a piece of chocolate (thanks Annie)...

the good news is I am still remembering to workout, increasing my body awareness and energy level and waking up some more... and while that goes on, it is safer to explore the old war wounds and let the mostly dead have some time to whine, cry, wallow, and do what the dead do best... and maybe I forget the face of my father (to ring in some Stephen King influences, as has been the case subconsciously recently as I am moving through the fourth book in the Dark Tower series), for I have certainly let my carefully (haphazardly, if you really want to know) set up division of labor (was that Edmund Burke?... old news) bleed into each other as the seeping of negativity has made it into many places (like here, perhaps?) and the idea of keeping the dead in their cemetaries didn't exactly work out too week... time may be even more of a reason than mental disorganization, and all the distractions, natch...

anyway, the closer I return to myself the more of the past must be delt with and the old wounds must be cleansed once and for all (even if I am not unpacking all the stuff in storage, but then, that may be one of the keys to the ultimate returning and moving on... the world has moved on, as Roland of Gilead would say... so must I)... and the old journal, so far from today in the external time and space, but so much where I left myself... will I love where I left myself, as the Moody Blues suggest?... of course, but don't tell the worry warts who enjoy worrying cuz I wouldn't want to spoil their fun, even if I don't understand them too well...

you're not one, are you?...

yes, there is deep sorrow within me from personal traumas and absorbtion of the human condition, but at my core is an endless supply of hope and optimism that drives most people crazy and keeps me afloat in the worst weather...

obviously I am too distraction most of the time to make myself clearly clear to myself, so what can I expect from you, dear readers... thank you for your generous benefit of doubts and wonderful support... one of these days I'll remember who I am and let you know... until then, enjoy the laughter (I do)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)