ah, you mean wide awake at 4 AM?... sure, ever irreverently serious (in real time, no less), but even if nobody is reading today (I inadvertently may have pushed you away), that doesn't mean that I have any less to say, so I'll go on babbling here anyway hoping you will return someday, hoping you'll find the time someday, hoping we'll reconnect and the connections will grow someday...

so far, in more than a decade of wandering and searching online (and offline), I still haven't found what I am looking for... the one true love life partner... the collaborator musician who wants to play with my words and offer up some melodies (or expand on melodies already in my head)... the editor who wants to read through many millions (perhaps billions) of words and select a few hundred thousand worth repeating in a printed form... the athletic activity partner who wants to share the physical play and workouts required to maintain optimal physical fitness... the best friend, who could be any or none of the above, wants to take the time to truly know me and share life experiences... a roommate, who could be any of the above too, who shares a similar perspective on living space and wants to share space and food and stuff to cut down on life's expenses while creating a comfortable living space that welcomes new social life... the sensual sexual partner who, in the absence of a true love life partner, wants to share bodily comforts and the pleasures of the flesh... friends who share similar interests and want to share them with me...

I forget why I came online sometimes... it was for many reasons, but so much more than merely to satisfy ego by sharing words on a public stage (and hoping for applause)... at first I started an online journal to keep in touch with people who lived far away (people who have long since abandoned keeping in touch with me, though perhaps they are still out there reading in silence... what fools we mortals be, aye?... may you be well and aware, someday)... and then it because a hope that someone might care and find me and come into my life and renew my faith in humanity and fulfill any or all of the empty spaces in this life I ironically call mine... and as a medium, as I leave pen and paper behind more and more with each passing year, it's become a place to store the words that make up my written garden... and a way to share the joy I find in sharing words, ideas, perspectives, and creativity with others...

all in all, I've found but a tiniest of fraction of what I hoped to find online... but then, I've found little more offline... have I not been open to what I seek?... I believe I have turned some away, but I also believe I am open to what I seek... I think it is just that I seek things very rare in this world these days... in every interaction and in every specific person I describe above, I seek honesty... complete, open honesty... and I seek honest unconditional love and trust, though I would be willing to compromise on less than unconditional for some of the more businesslike or more superficial activity partners I mention above... I seek conscious awareness, enlightenment, and a completely open mind... and a heart that actualizes caring and honest love (if not unconditional)... I seek a security in self, a positive yet realistic perspective, an ability to dream, an insatiable creative thirst, and a way higher than the average energy level...

so far I find people giving up, growing older by the minute, and doubting themselves and everything way too much to share a perspective that balances with mine... so I write seemingly endless rambles to no one and everyone in the hope that someone who can fill one or any or all of the roles I described above might come along and take up the challenge with me... and I hope to be increasing my chances by expending my writing spaces whenever I can... I am writing more regularly in the myspace blog because myspace is perhaps the largest community on the web and while I know that raises the probability of finding misunderstanding and potential abuse, I still feel my best chance of finding what I am looking for is to let as many people on the planet (or off, for that matter) know who I am and what I want... so I have many spaces...

and I continue the daily writing in the RealTime� blog (even though life can be very dull and repetitive sometimes) in the hope that someone cares enough to want to share the routine of daily life with me and they might as well know what they are getting themselves into (though, as I demonstrate too well with Rasputin and Precious, I easily adapt to the habits and lifestyle and routines of those I life with)... and on the right of the RealTime� blog there are more branches off the tree of madness which is my off the cuff title for the list of writing spaces listed there...

so, while the writing is babbling and the babbling is free form and without preconceived plan, there is an intention behind most of what I write (even when I forget that) and I am happy I reminded myself today... hopefully I reminded you as well... and on that note I shall close this entry with the rhyme I just wrote moments before starting this entry (or some time tonight, at least)... it's called curiosity and whether you take it as a challenge, a judgment, a tease, an affront, or just a curiosity (which is almost all it is) will tell us much about your perspective and attitude... but now that I told you, well, either you know or you don't, so nevermind...

I do so love doing that J

meanwhile...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)