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last---past---next---now
( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF )

MEG AND DIA!

ORLANDO?

WHERE IT BEGAN


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ONE. . . WHY
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CONVERSATION WITH GOD

MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
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(SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS)

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ABOUT ZOOPLA

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FAT MAN WALKING
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last---past---next---now



SITES I SEE A LOT
IxQuick Search
Google Search
itools references
movie database

Giga-Quotes

Harry Chapin Lyrics
SSA




OLD AND NEW READS
(WISH I HAD MORE TIME
TO READ and EXPLORE)

mother jones
utne reader
common dreams
the progressive
mediate
the other side
orion
harper's
rolling stone
reel classics


fallout shelter
the memory hole
song meanings
truth out
wil wheaton
bugmenot
global news matrix
break for news
are you generic?
neil gaiman
h2g2
daily kos
the truth laid bear
reason
capitol hill blue
boing boing
nobody here




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3Hive
metafilter
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REFERENCE LIBRARIES

questia
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all musicals




AMUSEMENTS

Diaryland Times
home star runner
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hell too
sinfest
ill will press
the guide
purple
despair
maximum awesome
86 the onions
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something awful
glossy news
eric conveys emotion
odd todd
cracked



CULTURE

the superficial
darwin awards
this is true
urban legends
news of the weird
church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
faqs
fark
iGod
post secret
webby awards
meetup
the white house
ragged trousered philosopher
the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible


COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)

(Note: pron is porn worth a look for amusement much more than passion, so if you see a (p) next to a link, be aware naked people may appear if you click it, m'ok?)

beautiful agony (p)
(a turn on or a laugh?)
real doll (p)
(the ultimate self-indulgence)

(or it could just be a typo)




PROMPTS
(IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW)


Unconscious Mutterings
Friday Feast
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Monday Madness
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(make it real)

PO BOX 780398
Orlando, FL 32878

send me some music
your favorite music
old or new
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let your message come through
and I will love you forever



last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-05-10 - 4:47 a.m.

walk the moon


sometimes I don't feel like making the space I am in my own, but rather I prefer to wander through other's spaces and sense how they've created their world (I specifically refer to the offline physical world in this thought, but as I was writing it my mind connected the similar behavior I exhibit online as demonstrated by my disinterest in design I could make boxes and tables and shadings and division lines and insert graphics and basically use the same tools everybody else uses to give my web space the current look of polished uniqueness that is so prevalent around the web, but it's just not where I am at these days and the web spaces I call home ought to reflect me, I think

the could-be-anything in a plain brown wrapper

so my runway-and-elegant-evening-ready Boss and Armani suits hang in storage along with the _______ shoes and ______ ties and other garbs of success (hmmm, the origin of the word garb, anyone? I mean, they are garMents, not garBents, right? anyway) I wear T-shirts and sweats or shorts and sneakers most of the time these days, with some sort of long sleeve casual shirt over top at work as the hospital gets cool at night at home I'm usually barefoot in boxers

I enjoy my comfort

but it's not the web or the physical appearances I was pondering as I opened this entry it was the ethereal and environmental spaces I sense around me there was a time I allowed my personality and awareness to dominate an environment (and in some obvious ways I still do as I am the person everyone seeks for answers on the job and I still love helping people, I just do it much more passively than I once did), but as far as my perception can tell I believe I do not do that anymore I know I am less active, less aggressive, and use less initiative in all of my social and professional interactions I've settled rather comfortably into the role of observer, maybe a bit like those Sci-Fi characters such as The Traveler in Star Trek: NG or Lazarus Long in his later years

what I feel is too ethereal for words in this life
what I know is too abstract to place into your thought
what is real is too simple to be explained
what is so is too complex to be bought

ruminate upon the cud your fathers fed to you
and risk never knowing who you are or what is true
contemplate your mind and place in this universe
and whatever you do, it can only get better or worse

but we are here for such a brief moment in time
why waste it closing our eyes to all we can see
you may have a reason that makes more sense than this rhyme
but mind or not this is enough for me
and by your holy word I shall be free

what Ive got is everything and nothing more
what we care about is how we know we feel
what is not the answer is the closing door
what we share is how we can know we are real
take this moment, make it a big deal

I've always had an outsider's view of life and humanity as far back as memory takes me, but my desire to exert whatever control I could over my environment and life path was much stronger in the past not that I would ever have considered myself any form of nocpdjavcf (though I've know way too many for my taste), but I was more interested in creating my own space and leaving my mark than I am these days as you may observe right here, my current mark could be described a random Rorschach inkblot made of word (and the surface incongruity of the analogy is not lost on me)

but then, I never seem to tire of talking about myself here, however abstractly, indirectly, or if we are to be generous, creatively, in this place where life in black and white behind the candoor is exposed as much as I can describe it (with only the names changed to respect those who might wish more privacy that they get by knowing me)

do you know who you are?

what comes to mind now, whether it appears to follow the previous unfinished exploration or not, is how much love I feel inside and how few opportunities to share it on any level that requires much thought or effort on my part, especially the personal one-on-one love, be it platonic or sensual and how powerful the hunger to share more depth remains even after years of isolation from personal intimacies and prior years of torturous experiences of betrayals and abuses I still so strongly believe in love (the tangible experience of shared caring, as opposed to the purely ethereal mental construct of a god of some sort)

the platonic aspect is somewhat fulfilled by the therapy I provide to kids and peers on a daily basis at work and by the nurturing and support I try to provide Precious at home and that's probably enough for most of me, but there's still something missing and I am wondering if that's just ego talking

I mean, is my hunger for a personal partner, someone to call my own, someone who makes me #1 in their life (or even a child who is my sole responsibility) purely an ego trip?

on one level I can logically justify answering yes to that question I mean, what is the real difference (or the biggest most personal difference to me) between selflessly giving of myself to other people's children or to friends who are in intimate relationships with others and selflessly giving myself to someone who is legally or in some committed sense mine? just the sense of ownership (illusionary as it is) and the ego gratification that I am #1 in that person's world they get the same selfless me if I am #2 or #3 or #27 in their world that they'd get if they made me #1, so the primary difference is what I get, my self-interest, my ego trip

looking at the interactions of this life in this light, I see the comfort and joy and satisfaction in being who I am to others today luckily, as humongous as my ego can be (and insatiable, don't forget insatiable), there's still a strong sense of something identity, security, independence, awareness, something, that is quite happy being me in or out of active sharing

even though I love partnering too

and it would be sweet to get some personalized just-for-me ego gratification too while I am still being me and giving as I do, after all ah, but let me not pretend I expect to be satisfied in this world when I exist in my mind on other planes why I continue to hope I shall find someone else who relates to all I am and experience from my perspective is an ironic dichotomy in my mind as I am practical enough to know it may never happen in this world of fear-based perspectives and insecure motivations

but it would still be sweet

the point, however, that set the words to flow as this entry began could be wondering whether my current passive satisfaction with exerting minimal or no control over situations is a sense of nirvana or simply complacency is it that I've found enough pieces of the puzzle of enlightened consciousness to know peace and happiness or is it giving up on the idea of sharing it in this life or perhaps both and how much of each if both

the fact remains that I often pose these questions and then let them be for the answers do not matter to me while I am alone I am a happy agnostic in most every way I do not need to create answers out of fear of the unknown I leave such endeavors for a time when I share myself with someone to whom those answers truly matter in daily life and continue wandering as I am without need for final answers for the exploration is the fun, the journey is the point

would you care to walk the moon with me?






. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)




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the moment

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