more more more goes here or there too, but then, who knows when I will come back to you, dear entry of babble and past filed away, I give you this blessing to come out today and this spell enchants me in this way...

. . .

so what can I say?... it�s 11pm, do you know where your children are?... beyond the obvious social statement that question leads to, my personal children, that is, the life inside of me (literally in a metaphoric sense, but so much more real than any metaphor might be) are alive and well and sitting right here watching me pour myself out into words under the guise of the babbler as they always have (except when they pick up a pen and scribble something themselves)... the indefatigable hope and fun-loving nature of children reigns supreme in the playground in my mind, even when all external evidence might seem to point to the contrary... but that's a secret we keep at times, because experience has taught me that others would use it for less than positive purposes when the opportunity arises... of course sometimes, we just let them to see what they really want, but the balance to allow that is not always right at the tips of my fingers (or consciousness) as perfection is the illusion that remains an impossible dream (even if I really wanted it)...

and almost twenty minutes ago I pondered sleep... long days at work coupled with lazy evenings and a profound lack of activity or stimulation other than the television (or music when I am wise enough to turn away from the commercial box)... instead, I wrote the previous paragraph and had a brief conversation in which I was asked for money... so many conversations involve someone asking me for money in this lifetime... this phenomenon is probably brought about by my generosity as people get to know I will hand them money when they ask, so maybe I attract people who do not manage their money well and frequently find themselves in a position of needing to ask for money... we might say they are wise for keeping me around then, I suppose... but am I a fool for remaining?...

relating money to music for a moment, I would go to more concerts if I knew someone who enjoyed going to concerts and could pay their own way... as it is, I pay for two or more when I go to concerts these days and I put a limit on how much of my income I will spend on anything because I tend to manage money so that I always have some extra for whatever I want (or to loan to someone else, apparently)... I am not sure exactly why this phenomenon has followed me through this life... obviously I attract people who need and do not attract people who have a lot to give except their neediness... and I know that part of me thrives on being needed, so that explains why those who need are in my life so much... but what is not as clear is why others who share my needless and giving perspective (and who have something to give) are not attracted to me too...

maybe somehow deep down I don't believe I deserve it... something keeps the patron of the arts of my dreams away, after all... could also be that I will not sell myself or compromise my ideals or pretend... rare is it that I meet someone who truly seeks to actualize and share truth, that is, who does not pretend or sell out, no matter what people say... I know life is about compromise, but being is not, at least not for me...

woah, doesn't the little kid look cute standing up on that soap box?... for those who see, perhaps... I can do whatever I want like you... yes Dia, so well sung... yes Meg, so well written... and how I wish one of the things either of you wanted was to come into my world and share yours in some meaningful way... the dream of collaboration shines brightly when someone inspires me as a few do... these inspirers are a diverse group, perhaps even eclectic, but I am not thinking when I choose who or what inspires me, I am feeling in a very unconscious place inside... from Jimi Hendrix to Elton John, from Andrew Lloyd Webber to Pete Townsend, from Melissa Etheridge to Barry Manilow, from Beethoven to John Lennon and Paul McCartney, from Irving Berlin to Justin Hayward to Harry Chapin to so many more recent musicians and composers who's names elude me at the moment...

and music often leads to intimacy and I miss intimacy more and more these days... I wrote about intimacy as I perceive it a while back (and added to that piece of introductory babble a few years ago)... perhaps it is time to revisit it and see how my definitions and desires have grown or diminished or changed, but for the moment, after reading it and the links it leads to just now, I am satisfied that it represents me well enough and any changes I'd make in the time I have tonight would be cosmetic... so now you know if you want to know if you haven't already known (the words have been on the web for many years, after all)...

it may be a lot to ask for, but I don't ask anyone to change who they are or do anything they do not want to do... and I rarely compromise out of loneliness because it is so unsatisfying and leads to more complications than the momentary gratification could ever be worth to me... obviously, this is why I am alone (above and beyond any other reasons)... I can fantasize about physical romance with someone who visually and chemically stimulates my libido and triggers my hormones, but I know that a week in bed with her would not be enough to overcome an empty head, a superficial heart, or an insensitive or selfish personality (libido is not as blind as it appears, or perhaps, as it used to be)... I can make sweet love to a body that contains a generous, sensitive, secure, unconditionally loving and trusting person, but I know it is usually foolish as if the physical attraction was not there from the start, I'd just be going through the motions, physically... not hiding my feelings, not pretending, being real, that keeps me alone most of all in this world...

perhaps I should have gone to sleep when I was pondering it a while back, but I hope this is not shooting myself in the foot... I hope this is not merely regurgitation of the same old same old narcissistic introspection that some of my personal entries might become... I hope this might be yet a little more clarification and a more up to date introduction to me for anyone who missed previous intros and might not have time to explore the bios and wants to actually know me beyond the surface... and hopefully some clarity might come of these thoughts for anyone feeling romantic or sexual fantasies about me (hey, anything is possible, ya know... I mean, somebody might be out there right not playing with themselves in all sorts of interesting ways while reading these words, so let's not judge me as uninspiring and a permanent single just yet, ok?)...

and if all you are is amused, well then, yay...

I suppose that the more I go to concerts and see more real live people actively moving their bodies I might actually find more people, at least physically, who inspire me (turn me on) to want to explore intimacy in this physical world again (the monk comes down from the mountain?)... and I suppose that an entry like this will come again as I ponder the possibilities and remind myself of things I've learned through experience so I might not repeat mistakes I've made in the past and clarify my language so misunderstandings might not happen in the here and now and in the future... logical, no?...

so whether this is self-serving or a warning or a stepping stone to being in a physical relationship again, I am pleased to remember that anyone can comfort me with promises again, I know... ... and you must know the song to get anywhere near intimate with me... in fact, you must be intimate with a few dozen songs, deeply and profoundly intimate, in fact, to even come near being intimate with me... for to me, intimacy involves singing and more, performing and more, living some key songs... and films and books and other forms of ideas... for intimacy begins in the mind, no matter what the body might suggest...

sex makes for fine emotional experiences, but emotional experiences make sex divine...

so what else did you not know you wanted to know about me when you came here tonight?... ah, always leaving room for laughter at myself so I don't get too pompous or self-involved, that's the ticket... cuz I think taking one's self too seriously shortens a life span and makes a body old before it's time... of course that's just my theory, but it seems to work for me... still, I would so much love to find someone who shares an interest in taking falling in love with me seriously again (but only if she inspires me to fall in love with her too)...

ah, sweet dreams are made of this...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)