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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications


2006-12-28 - 11:45 p.m.

your humble commenter (part 3)


this is much better, isn't it?... well, it's a little better, and will allow me to expand on it (what, again?) when I have time (if ever I should find the elusive editor who wants to sit with me and read everything for like some memoir project or just to encourage me to ramble on and clarify further or {here comes the dreamer} to fall in love)... until then, at least this keeps the entries approximately the same size, which matters for some reason some times)... but before I drift off on yet another tangent, let's get back to the commentary...

and once again leave us not forget, for the sake of possibly understanding that there is a budding conversation here, or at least a blog post and a comment, that the original blog post by the one and only z0tl is shades of gray and my comments are in the usual black and white... ready (again), set, go:


All this fucking letting go, lemme tell you something about it, okay, you go and guess who said it and once again you'll get some kind of prize, like my promise of never ceasing to insult you and berate you and generally abuse you in all shapes and forms and geometric proportion:z!

I constantly do my best to avoid the fact that you are at once gaining my intense admiration and simultaneously breaking my heart as you delete yourself from the web...

just so you know...

lots of people spoke wise words and crap about letting go... I even wrote a bit myself (and it might even be uploaded in the early or seedlings section of the creating me garden, perhaps) as a younger child and in a piece called Truly Love (or Knowing or something like that), written in the deepest stench of the closet I crawled into the week after the original Amy imploded and took all of my purity and the deepest cuts of my innocence with her, for knowing that you truly love is not so much to know, knowing that you truly love is knowing when to go... and knowing... when... to let go... and knowing... how... to let go... and knowing... ... to let go......

yeah, I was quite the emotionally wrecked kid back then... it's not that I would have literally and figuratively died for love, it's that I did...

I'm still not so sure I actually came back to life, but if I didn't maybe I learned to fake it well... I couldn't plan a segue finer, I think (especially since I am running out of time for this sitting)...

RENUNCIATION

So you witnessed old age, pain, and death and told yourself that pleasure is an illusion and that the pleasure seekers do not understand the inconstancy of things. Then you shunned the world, persuaded that nothing will endure. "I will not return," you proclaimed, "before I have escaped birth, old age, and death."

There is much pride and suffering in every renunciation. Instead of retreating discreetly, without a big show of revolt and hatred, you denounce, emphatically and haughtily, others' ignorance and illusions; you condemn their pleasures. The ascetics, who renounced life and fled into the desert, were convinced that they had overcome all human weaknesses.

The belief that they had access to a subjective eternity gave them the illusion of total liberation. Nonetheless, their condemnation of pleasure and their contempt for humanity betray their inability to actually free themselves.

Were I to withdraw into the most fearsome desert, renounce everything, and live in absolute solitude, still I would never dream of despising (wo)men and their pleasures.

Since I cannot enter eternity (and who the fuck in their right mind would want to anyway) through renunciation and solitude, since I shall die like the rest, why despise them, why call my way the only true one?

All the great prophets lack discretion and human understanding. I witness pain, old age, death, and I know that they cannot be overcome; but why should I spoil another's enjoyment with my knowledge?

Suffering and the consciousness of its inescapability lead to renunciation, yet nothing would induce me, not even if I were to become a leper (which I already have become), to condemn another's joy. There is much envy in every kind of condemnation.

Buddhism and Christianity are the revenge and the spite of those who suffer.


so much to ponder and so many words to be released... I see this from so many perspectives... from the West to the Mid-East, to Mohammed, and not Ali, in fact... but just as much to each and every one who ever thought they knew the way to heaven or whatever... and also to those who think they know today... even to me, though in a twisted sort of way since I would never dream of renunciating (or denunciating, for that matter) life and all it's pleasures, except with fat chicks...

oh, you thought I might be getting seriously serious there for a moment?...

what makes you think I wasn't?... of course I don't refer to you, Z, nor do I aim this tease at anyone else who's spoken to me and knows me well enough to know me, as I chide the audience of others who might read this... I believe I am waking up and realizing this is a work day and I probably should have headed back to bed a while ago instead of coming here and rambling on for a couple of hours... an hour and a half, to be almost precisely exact...

being in the field in which I am in, professionally speaking, of course, I am (there are no words)... when I consider the depths of repression that some go to and how such repressions are the primary cause for the sexual abuse of the weaker, of women, and of children... and when I look at the news and see the evidence in black robes... and when I consider the subservience females must endure in cultures even more repressed than this supposedly decadent west...

how many virgins are they promised if they kill the right people?...

that's supposed to be incentive for what?...

a good life?...

how complicated and perverse the concepts of good and love have become in the hands of the power brokers and money changers over the years... how, in so many cases, exactly opposite of what I hope was the original meaning... unless the original meaning was to fuck babies and let the penis rule the world...

maybe God actually another word for Penis in the first language?...

Homework: rewrite the story from the perspective of Always Happy People who denounce those who suffer, spoiling their party, trying to show them the only Way, through Love and Light and so on and so forth.

That's what I call NONDUAL, the ability to have an orgy at the same time your cancer is eating away at your frail body. You can find God through Satan, trust me. Typing all this was my X'mas present to Buddha. Jesus, rip your heart out!


and perhaps beneath cynicism is pain, and beneath pain is life, and beneath life is the primordial ooze, and beneath the primordial ooze is nothingness, or death, perhaps, depending on how your belief system treats a penis just after birth...

here's a prayer for me:

I hope that I never lose the ability to enjoy everything in the moment, but if I do, then I hope I never lose the ability to enjoy something, sometime, and if I do, I hope it doesn't last too long and I don't do any (or at least as little as possible) harm along the way... and I hope I never have to pray the prayer for everybody else


here's the prayer for everyone else:

I hope everyone will remember they never have to lose the ability to enjoy themselves, be kind, and do no (or as little as possible) harm


and I don't know if I've actually let go of all the pain and suffering I've seen and done in this life time or any other I might subconsciously remember, but I do know that as long as I can I will follow my plan to do all I can do to be all I can be and be true to my faith in myself and in love and in feeling good about the hope I nurture for everyone and everything...

I suppose if I met up with a few of my torturers face to face in the flesh today and or those I have done wrong I might know for sure if this is all just wishful thinking or just the words to an unpublished song...

but I don't have to know to be sure I am loving this moment as I open every door and welcome anyone and everyone in to my security... and it feels so good that words can not express the experience I know as me... ego laughs, and heart smiles, and all the pain I've known and all the pain in this world remains part of the child I am... and I treasure my ability to forget for a while... so I can give more and share more and laugh more and care more and love more and do the best I can... knowing I don't have to know to be sure I understand... I'll do what I do my way, no matter what is planned...

and if I ever do meet up with any of these God entities so many humans renunciate life and embrace death and rape and pillage and kill for, so be it, and I'll be me all the same...


. . . yes, I can see there is more to be babbled on about here so we'll break and place the next part of this comment in the next entry because there's more to be rambled on about that too... time was running out, you see, this morning just before work when I was rambling in comments because I knew the entry inspiring these comments would be gone (and it is) within days...

moving right (or left, or wrong, or whatever) along now...






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