what is it about, this desire to share... is it a need for social interaction as many believe?... is it some missing piece of our psyche that leads to a craving for validation, recognition, appreciation?... is it something bigger than ourselves, bigger than anything we know?... is it just something we learn, a habit we are taught from our first breath, to need, to hunger for feedback, for interaction, for acknowledgement, appreciation, respect, compassion, understanding, devotion, love?... are we incomplete without it?...

what do you want, why do you want it, what is it about it that turns you on?... what do you want, how can you get it, and what would happen if it was gone?... rational being, what does it mean to want something (do we know?), human being, what does it mean to be?...

can I even begin to answer these questions in this vacuum of words with no attentive eyes looking back at me showing me there is purpose for my trying to express it outside of myself?... it is not as if I don't know... and we come to the seriousness behind my babbling, the why... I babble because I know myself and have the answers I need... I tease and wander off on irreverent tangents because I have no doubt about my answers for myself and it's boring to just fill out a survey in all seriousness...

so now you know...

and the babbling is out here for you to see because I want to share... once upon a time the hunger spanned all things, the craving to share permeated everything I did and was... in recent years I've found much amusement and pleasure in playing with myself (I mean mentally and emotionally for I've found pleasure in playing with myself physically since my first explorations of this body in infancy)... the hunger to share everything remains, but it is not as all-encompassing as it once was...

as much as I lament about apathy and complacency and procrastination and blah blah blah and wallowing in despair or self-pity or depression or whatever, I think that the primary reason for the reduced hunger is because I have accepted that the odds of finding someone who can share everything with me as I can share may be astronomical at this time in human development...

take that as you wish...

maybe it's just a matter of trust and belief... maybe you are so afraid to put your trust in yourself and believe in what you see and feel with your senses that it seems easier to put your trust and believe in some unreachable star, some ethereal being, or some imaginary tomorrow... when will you wake up and realize that all you have is yourself and the here and now... why waste it focused on the other side?... think the grass is greener over there?... and what if it is?... why waste the here and now?...

what do you do with your desire to share?... do you let it blind you into accepting the first opportunity you get?... do you jump at any chance for intimacy with another person?... do you settle for someone who does not really satisfy you as deeply as you can be satisfied?... do you even know how deeply you can be satisfied?... do you accept someone who does not really take the time to get to know you just because it's easier than being alone?... and do you call that compromise and tell yourself every relationship is a compromise and accepting that is growing up?...

and do you take pain pills for your head or other aches?... and do you have ailments and write them off to age?... and do you sit and watch TV instead of facing your real life?... do you substitute the fiction for the fact that you are not satisfied with the life around you?... do you pretend that you don't like everybody else?...

I am alone because I will not pretend to be satisfied when I am not... I will not cater to anyone's insecurities or give anyone the false impression that we are sharing when we are not really sharing... I do not overlook the misconnections when others are not on the same wavelength... the unspoken incongruity is not neatly swept under the rug because it is uncomfortable, it is spoken in my world... I do not accept an uncomfortable silence as a natural phenomenon...

it's all about honesty... being honest with myself and with anyone in my space... it's not being demanding, it's not asking for anyone to change or think or feel as I do... it is simply being... expressing myself... and asking the same from others... those who will remain and grow closer... those who will not drift away...

my desire to share is still strong, but no longer desperate... it may be an impossible dream, but it will be my quest, glorious or not, until sharing is no longer possible... I seek to share truth... sharetruth was my first online name... I believe not so much in a universal truth, but in the truth in each heart... the heart being that bottom line inside of you... the truth in your heart is who you are... I hope to find others who know themselves and who love themselves and who are sure of who they are...

that is why I am here...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)