here's the deal (and how many times have I attempted to explain my lethargic communication skills)... I shall use the line-by-line kind of 101 things format in an attempt to explain more of me (not knowing what we shall call this just yet) in the hope that it works (and why do I suddenly think this entry will not be as short as it was intended to be when the idea popped into my head as a flash note intended to explain that I must head out to the gym right now or I might skip another night and I don't want to skip another night so I am not sitting back comfortably in the big green chair and instead I am sitting up in an awkward position deliberately meant to keep me from sitting here long in order to motivate myself to get up and get out to the gym... with a brief pause to listen to Precious tell me about school and show me her artwork {quick - draw miosis} I fumble through the thought that has now become thoughts that was to be this parenthetic explanation that interrupted what was to be a very brief entry about why I do not communicate as well as I might like to if I realized that I actually will not get what I want in life unless I remember that I can communicate as I'd like to and then do it... was this one long rhetorical question?... no, two, at least)... maybe we should start again...

I am a multi-layered person... soul... creature... entity... something...

the surface of me is rather exposed, everywhere...

it is way too sensitive to be so exposed, but I am too stubborn to learn any more defense mechanisms because I mostly do not like or respect defense mechanisms...

it (the surface of me) is not all of me (duh)...

it is a fraction of a percent of all of me, actually, and I am redundantly empahsizing this point because it is the essense of this entry, or something like that...

this information most likely applies to many people...

this entry is mostly about me...

this has taken about eighteen minutes so far including some listening-to-Precious time...

it (this entry) was supposed to take a lot less time...

don't blame Precious, it's not her fault...

it (this entry) is far from complete...

it (this entry) may have delusions of grandeur...

or grandure...

big bada boom...

I want to communicate more, in more depth, from deeper parts of me beneath the surface (and where else would deeper parts of me be found, or lurk, to use language to distract from the point even further)...

I want to read more of the words you write...

I want to know you beneath your surface...

I want to communicate more in email, by telephone, through eye contact, through body language, through physical touches, through telepathy, through even more intimate means...

maybe even with you...

I don't...

there are many reasons I do not do this...

distractions...

past baggage...

the maze...

that maze grows under the surface of me, always has, forming and slipping between the aforementioned layers, for fun and probably for other reasons (that can be fun and may require other entries)...

time runs out before I can begin most of the time...

this (entry) is still far from complete...

it is 8:23PM at the moment of typing these words...

I am going to the gym now...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)