I wrote a Xmas entry, really I did... maybe it was last year or the year before or in another diary or somewhere, but I did, really, and now I have no idea what happened to it... I searched through the files in the babbling folder and nothing there even remotely looks like a Xmas entry... maybe I thought the last entry was the entry I thought was the Xmas entry I thought I wrote, but I did write one, I did I tells ya!...

obviously I am joyously overexcited due to the bustle of holiday festivities (and chocolate) and having the whole place all to myself (and chocolate) and having time off from work last week (and chocolate) and the Solstice always brings on a chipper feeling (and chocolate)...

Chipper, hey, reminds me of someone I love in Minnesota, wow, and you thought I was getting Alsheimer's or something, huh?... ok, so you're in Fargo, ND now, but you were in Minnesota, I remember... what a memory, steel trap and all...

and chocolate, I've had a lot of chocolate this weekend...

did you know that Jibberish is loosely related to Yiddish?... it is, an old Jewish grandmother told me and old Jewish grandmothers know stuff (am I preparing for a Hanuka {or Chanukah} entry tomorrow?... who knows, ask the chocolate)... she said I was good at it and should study languages when I grow up... I tricked her, I never grew up...

but I also made it to the gym twice in two days which is twice more than any previous month this year I think... or once more, cuz there were a few months I did make it to the gym... but not two days in a row, no, I don't think so... cause for celebration, of course... anything is in my head...

ok, so for our Xmas entry that wasn't, I have decided to include an email inspired by a few of you (and I'm gonna let you guess just to drive you crazy enhance the holiday excitement)... it's really a rather serious upbeat email, so forget about this manic introduction, get yourself a hot toddy or something that'll feel good (but won't distract you from your reading), kick back all comfy and snuggly and open your heart cuz this is for you (or is it for me, sumblinially, I mean, like a secret Santa gift for my psyche?... oh dang the self-analysis, full speed ahead):

I wish I could help somehow
to take away the pain
I wish I could change the world
and make it less insane
I wish I could give you the time
to do all you can do
and share the world with those you love
and with those who love you

I wish I could understand death
somehow travel through time
I wish the love I feel right now
could burst forth from this rhyme
I wish that everyone we love
could always stay in touch
I wish we found a rainbow bridge
I wish this very much

I want to believe
each life's eternal energy
spirit, soul, or ka
whatever we call it
is feeling deep inside of us
as long as we love

I wish for you to feel it too
the love I feel right now
it's everyone you ever knew
it's real, it's true, it's how
to stay in touch with everyone
you've ever loved until
you can see them once again
just love them with your will

just be true in your own heart
and love them now
and know you always will
you know you always will

Dear friend, I wish you the gift and pleasure of the blessing of love and the insight and vision of the good things, the positive things, the precious moments you have to share with your loved ones... I wish you the wisdom and peace to find clarity, to set your priorities to continue to love, to continue to find ways to love and to continue to share, reach out, and allow in those who love you... every moment is precious, make the most of this one...

I have been told that the test of my resolve to love, to be true to the love I've already shared and created in this life with all those I've loved, is will I allow those who have not been there before, those who are relative strangers opening their hearts to me now, permission to enter the holy place in my heart and worship the love I've known with me...

I do not know if I can and I fear that would be the death of me, if I give into the fear that maybe I can not trust another again to enter my deepest most sacred place in my heart...

I have been told that I must, not just for me, but that is what all who've ever truly loved me want for me... to live, to continue to love, to continue to allow myself to be loved...

You seem to be doing this well already, and I admire you for it, for the strength to write as you write and share your world as you do, you are a great inspiration and I thank you...

I read your most recent entries and I feel compelled to say this to you (maybe I need to say it to myself even more, so I owe you more thanks for inspiring me to find these words)...

please resist the urge to curl up in a ball and shut the world out... please resist the urge to close yourself from the people reaching out to you... please realize that starting a new life in love is exactly what those who love you want and they would tell you if they could... perhaps they are telling you right now...

how long have I been doing this?...

please resist the urge to put off your life... you can mourn most respectfully by continuing your life and allowing new love to blossom and be a blessing in it... that is the greatest respect you can give to those who love you wherever they are, but most especially if they are no longer in this life as flesh and blood...

I've done this for too long (I am doing it right now)...

and now I ask myself why I am writing this to you... something in your writings inspires me to break down my defenses and admit that I have been hiding out, denying myself, and while enjoying the daily play as a child, missing the deeper sharing my romantic heart once knew and I am facing the fact that I have been avoiding how much I long to share my love for so long... and how precious each moment is... how many moments I have let pass without sharing being in love... it makes me want to cry (no wonder so many mistake me for a girl at first, he says, laughing at myself :)

I must respect my love and all I've loved and lost by rejoicing in the moments I still have to keep my love alive and bursting with the energy that is eternal, the energy of love that keeps me connected on positive levels with all you've loved... I must find and reach out to the one who can help my most, the one I want to fall in love with, the one I feel is giving my a chance to be reborn and know the blessing of intimate partnership once again...

I've got to find her...

I am guessing that maybe you already have...

a thought from the end of the film Ghost comes to mind... the love does not end, it just goes on and on... respect it, treasure it, and above all else, continue to share it...

I think it was reading about the depth of your love and losses and the shocking realization that I could be dead at any moment - so what the heck am I waiting for?... obviously I am waiting for her, for my the one... and a line from an Elton John song comes to mind, all I've ever needed was the one...

these words came out without much conscious thought, almost as if they were channelled through me... I hope you understand I share these words with you because they are inspired by you... I think you came back to my scattered mind when I included your link in a recent entry... I could not tell you exactly how or why, I only know that I clicked on the link in my latest entry to your site and read your entry and this is what you inspired, this is the message I had to send to you...

you are loved, you are treasured, you are respected and admired and held close to the heart by many apparent strangers out here in cyberspace... and tonight, something urged me to write these words to you... I hope they somehow help you keep a positive perspective and remember that just as life can end at any moment, life - and love - can begin at any moment as well... it is a matter of perspective... I hope you realize that you can start a new life at anytime, right now... heck, I hope I realize this...

it is not an end of an old life, it is a rebirth into a new life taking everything with you... building on the best of what has been and learning to make the most of the worst... it need not be perfect, in fact, it can not be perfect, it must simply be real...

I believe in you... I admire your strength...

I wish this understanding and energy and truth as I see it inspires you to renew your belief in yourself, in life, in love, and in this moment, this moment that is the first of the rest of your life, this moment that is the start of your rebirth... I hope you take this moment and make it your moment, when you are ready, and live a new life with a new love each moment as if it is the first and the last and always...

bless you and all you love, every one...

honest love, ric

I wish everyone would just love
no need for why or how
I wish everyone believed in love
as I do right now

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)