and I wonder, as I slip into more intense reflections and head in to deeper directions, what is the nature of love and true love and true friendship and how similar or different are these emotions and bonds and relationships?... are there three or six or nine or more questions in there?... I suppose that depends on how many permutations your mind can see in any given situation... as always, it is a matter of your perspective... we see things not so much as they are, but as we are...

I've met some wonderful souls, people with sweet hearts and clever minds and passions shared who I felt could be wonderful friends, but with whom there was no physical or romantic desire... some simply were great people who had no respect or love for their own bodies and that, whether through instinct, learning, or choice (and personally I'll accept it's all three), grosses me out... I can resist demonstrating my nauseous reaction as long as the person does not put their body too close to mine, but when such a person makes some sexual advance or moves to increase physical intimacy, the hairs on the back of my neck rise and the butterflies churn in my gut until I simply must let them know...

my usual reaction is to inquire if how they feel, I mean physically... and how they breath with all that weight on their lungs and how their heart and other organs function in that physical state... ultimately, if they persist in advancing, I will try to look them in the eye and tell them their body is not attractive and I am uncomfortable being so close...

their usual reaction is to pout or cry or get angry and find faults further with me (I accept that it is my discomfort, after all) and then find reasons to end any friendship or emotional or intellectual or whatever interactions we started building... I don't understand their reaction too well, for as a male, I experience rejection of a physical attraction as a matter of course in life and do not write the person off simply because I am not sexually attractive to someone...

but there seems to be a double standard amongst women, especially amongst the fat women I've met in this life, which reinforces the instinct that tells me to be wary trusting a fat person too intimately for, simply, if they can over-indulge themselves to a level of physical self-abuse and do not have the self-discipline to stop it, what unintentional harms might they do in other aspects of their lives, or to me...

it's a puzzle or conundrum of sorts for me, especially in this country where most people are carrying around twenty or more pounds of extra fat that does not do anything except maybe express their laziness or self-indulgence... it may come off as a prejudice from me, but I do my best not to assume that all fat people are the same... just as I do my best to see everyone, including every person who has any self-injurious behavior, as individuals...

I've just yet to meet a fat girl who wanted my body who would remain a friend after I said no... and I've known some wonderful people living in fat bodies too and it hurts to have my love and trust and respect and non-sexual passions rejected too... and it feels imbalanced, since I offer so much, as most girls do, and reserve my body for a select few, as most girls do... but while it is ok and acceptable and even sensitive and virtuous for girls to do that, I am often told the very same thing is a horrible thing for a guy to do to a girl...

a reverse double standard brought on by generations of sexual stereotyping, perhaps, which is why I do not like any sort of stereotyping because it's just another way to build walls between people when the walls are so unnecessary and ultimately diminish the human experience...

I thought if might get easier as I grew older in this body, but it just seems to get worse... maybe age increases the insecurity in fat girls as it does in all people... but should living longer and gaining more life experience and learning more increase security instead of the other way around?... I find beautiful successful otherwise brilliant mature fat women can be especially cold and mean when their sexual advances are turned away...

anyway, it was just some pondering going on in some corner of my mind... I mean no harm and except for deciding that fat is not appealing to me and probably an unhealthy over-indulgence, I don't judge fat people as bad or in any way lesser... I just don't feel at all turned on when flabby fat flesh is pressed up against my flesh... I know I've pondered it before, but like many of our cultural inconsistencies, as long as they remain I shall ponder them again now and then... cuz I'd really love for everyone to love themselves at least as much as (and even more than) I love myself in actualized physical reality and every other way...

meanwhile, here in the physical spaces around me at this moment in life in black and white behind the candoor, we are currently listening to the DVD intro music for Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat for the several hundredth time as Rasputin is fast asleep on the couch with the remote in his hand... and as usual, the remote is sitting next to, that is, in contact with his penis... he falls asleep like that most of the time and I just leave the TV on whatever he's got it on until I decide to get up and push the button on the TV itself, mostly because I usually have headphones and music available to me directly behind me in this computer area just off the of the living room... but as I mentioned in a previous entry, with Precious absconding with all of my headphones in recent days and leaving them buried somewhere in the piles of stuff in her room, I am on endless loop of snips of Joseph songs... I love the music, so it's fun...

yeah, I'm odd this way too...

I figure as long as my slightly off kilter singing (alas, my poor dying diaphragm, I once knew you so well) doesn't disturb Raspy's cock-eyed slumbers, all is well in the land of candoor and nod...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)