yes, so since RealTime� is covered for the moment (for as long as I maintain that other blog, mentioned ever so casual here in case you didn't notice, of course) I am free to babble on even more ridiculously far from any semblance of reality here� free formless free association rambling babble, at your service (and how many more readers can you lose in one week, aye?)�

and since onion blog is where I'll peel away the layers of who I really am and what I really want in a relationship (at least I think that's what I'm doing there), I am can cast off the shackles of loneliness from this (oh, who am I kidding, this behind the candoor life in black and white will be what it is and if I'm lonely I'm lonely and if offline life pops in it'll pop in cuz that's what the babbling is about, no rules, no directions, just words)�

and the occasional odd image�

but at least I did throw the subtle brick� I mean, at least you know I am spreading my rambling over at least three daily writing spaces now� in addition to the potentially daily, but more likely less often rambling I will continue to do at the candor journal, not to mention the lament and pity parties I'll occasionally throw over in the lands of the mostly dead (the first being prose and rhyme and a bit more down to Earth and even an exercise log, if I ever get back to it� the second being mostly rhyme and floaty), not to mention the heart beats (and dreams of love) I'll continue sleep writing into planet candora (where sappy sentimentality and fairy tale love meet me in mostly rhyming dreams)�

yes, those are the more active world of words, but there are others and more and I think I am doing this (self-promotion in the guise of casual babbling) because the onion blog does not allow links and I am kind of hoping that the information somehow seeps through cyberspace to those reading other there cuz the whole point of a personal ad is to let people know who you are, right?�

yes, well, all those beautiful comments you left on my last entry� well, all but one of you, that is� and since he'll never return, I suppose then it would be all of you I am writing to at this moment (go ahead, dispute that logic, nyuk nyuk)� I thank you for your kindness� I suppose I should just confess and admit that I am a 13 year old girl, but then nobody would take me seriously�

I know, it's not easy to take me seriously unless you call me up and pigeon hole me with specific questions that leave no doubt about my identity (or simply feel the love the way Moo does, but most humans are not that open to such unconditionalness and must rely on more empirical evidence which is not easy to come by on the internet)�

dear Meredith, you are way too kind (the picture was taken last year, actually, so I was a lot younger then)� I suppose I could easily get away with passing myself off as a bit younger than the number of years this old heart of mine has been beating, but I won't pander to the prejudices of our society that way� unless, of course, there is a very good reason� like some secret between friends playing a trick on the foolish old world� but ordinarily, I'm just gonna go with the facts� besides, how could I possibly grow up to be a dirty old man if I lie about my age? (you're supposed to giggle with me here)�

omigosh, does acknowledging my chronological age mean I give up the right to giggle?�

tough, I'm not giving up nothing� so dear unforgettable Lydia (who makes me have to go searching for her page address now� it's so much easier to cut and paste the address you enter when you leave a comment, ya know?), you believe in the often sleeping child inside (and I suppose you've even heard a bit of proof he exists, too� or she� or, well, whatever)� as I hope you've heard already, I've been working a lot and spent the little online time I had exploring blogspot and the onion lately� keeping the hope alive is a full time job�

especially with Smash around� raspberry jam, anyway?�

ah, dear Sandyz, it's a strange and occasionally quite melancholy life after a while of being alone� alas, I am far from the only person to discover this, but I tell myself that nobody experiences it deeper or more intensely (just like everybody else)� and the irony amuses me and distracts me from the sadder feelings that come with living life� especially when I get too tired and lazy to do anything else about it�

and yes, dear Wonder-Moo� you radiate the kind of hope and love that most people consider unbelievable or just story-book fantasy� people dream about it, you live it, that is the best gift of all you (and Gareth) give me and the world� thank you for the understanding you share and the hope you inspire�

and as if the universe heard I was slipping into a dreary sleepy malaise, here comes Joe vs. the Volcano again (so I'm going over to the big green chair and falling in to watch as I nod off into la la land cuz I've been awake long enough to enjoy a nice nap� yeah, so I re-arranging the schedule I kind of thought about for today� cuz it's a perfect time for some cuteness, silliness, and starry-eyed dreams)�

it really is a goofy movie (yes, I woke with it clearly in my head)� and I still love it� ah, and dear Meg� see, it's not just her physical adorableness, it's the silly believe in miracles, fairy tales, goodness, and love that she portrays that has me madly in love with her and the idea of her� so Meg, wondrous darling of my dreams, maybe it's your fictional characters I believe in, but I believe there's a part of someone, maybe you, who believe in the anything's possible wonder of love too, so do stop by and share few moments of magic (or a few lifetimes, if you'd like), cuz I'd so surely jump into a volcano or do anything for love�

and then the roommates got home while I was nodding off in the big green chair and as I wake, Precious is in bed and Rasputin is napping on the couch and the TV, of course, remains on� so, here we are, another example of why I don't make plans when I am on my own� I'm altogether too flexible when there's no one with whom to do things on any sort of schedule� alone, my days off are as free form as my babbling�

looking at this entry again, I realize that the first few paragraphs of this entry were really written for the onion blog cuz you ought to know about all the other places I write already, but I am not allowed to put links there, so the information I want to share there came out here and I may be explaining the obvious� again�

omigosh, have I become boring?�

obviously, since I don't have a snappy comeback and, after all, I had as much time as I want to think about it� it's that bleary-eyed blah response that we all have come to know and love (sarcastically) so well� Thatr Seventies Show is distracting me� Rasputin is asleep in front of the TV and somewhere in the dark of his lap is the remote� if I wasn't so lazy I might go hunting for it, but then, I'm not particularly enthralled by that visual� yes, sometimes real life can be a challenge to describe politely� it's a jungle out there�

out there, in this case, would be anywhere beyond my reach while semi-conscious in the big green chair� or even the infinitely less comfortable, but still sleep space, faux-leather chair that serves as a computer chair for the desktop computer where I do most writing now that the laptop is so fragile it shuts down at random moments when it is touched the wrong way, or randomly, even�

see, there's a reference to touching something again with less than optimal results.. it's obviously the TV's influence, what with the subliminal images of Mila Kunis boring through my brain as I was waking in the vulnerability of semi-slumber� in that space between sleep and awake where we still remember dreaming, like Tink said, remember?� yes, well, I suppose I could just fantasize�

ah yes, falling asleep with Meg Ryan and waking up with Mila Kunis, excellent�

oh, but of course it gets better than this (to the voice that asked), but we're only in my dreams at the moment, so it doesn't get too much better in my dreams cuz, after all, these two celebrity images (and one of the portrayed personalities) are two of libido's most favoritest� and what else is there to do when everything in the world out there (locally, at least) is closed in the middle of the night (when I'm not working) and nobody's around except my roommate fast asleep on the couch�

so my thoughts turn to what can be done at this hours, all alone� from the lazy easy self-indulgence, food� to the slight movement of shower� to the healthier, but active running� I used to love to run in the middle of the night more than any other time of day� the stillness, the silence, the lack of distractions� the on again off again thrill of the potential for any step to be the last one I take for any number of reasons� but most of all, the sweet meditative solitude in which I could explore and experience being in this moving body�

running was never a social experience for me, in fact, quite the opposite� until this past year when I found myself more motivated to head out when Bert and Berry asked (and alone, the lazy habit took over and I'd consistently choose he food activity over any other)� not that it is their fault because I make my own decisions, but being the easy behavioral chameleon I am and living with extremely inactive (and the one around most being quite lazy) people does not help at all�

life used to be more than words and food and fantasies�

but I still love the words and food, which is a good sign� I mean, I don't blame the messengers or influences or crutches and don't cut my nose off to spite my face� and here I am willing to turn this daily diary into a pathetic repetitious series of blah blah that used to be reserved for the dead zone� just to keep this sort of lazy waa waa crap from becoming a habit, I mean�

speaking of the dead zone, I could add Nicole Deboer to the fantasy�

it's not really that I have a one track mind, I just don't have any other tracks going on at the moment� you know, the old the lonely for love track�

you still there?�

maybe it's the dull drag of the dark dreary movie that's on now, something called Boiling Point� where is that remote control, anyway� but people live lives like those portrayed in the movie� and people get paid good money to act and work the crew and produce movies like these� and people pay money to watch them, or leave them on their TV in the middle of the night because the silence without the TV is lonely�

I'm gonna have a cup cake�

Kim Peek is on TV now� he's the real person upon whom Dustin Hoffman's Rain Man character was based� I can relate to shutting off the social area of the brain and relating to people from the infantile intellect or what science seems to call the idiot savant� it's so much safer and easier to be that detached from emotional responsibility� and if we function enough to live a relatively independent life, we could improve the diagnosis from idiot savant to simply someone with ADD� just one more sliding scale of assessing behavior�

the benefit is a peace of mind that comes from limited (or no) concern for what others think, even limited or no understanding that others think� a perspective that has no need, perhaps even no room for judgment� but more than anything, it is about connection, about bonding with someone else in unconditional trust, in unlimited love, in uninhibited sharing, in a constancy that allows relative fearlessness and a virtual lack of insecurity and self-doubt and worry about what others think� a completeness of the purity of love�

perhaps what most people find (or seek) in their relationship with their god�

but to share it with another person, that is the essence of life as I know and understand it� the focus of love, the infinity of the mind trusted in exploring freely secure that someone will always be there to share it or perhaps, taking it one step beyond, to be free of the social need, free of the desire to share that unfulfilled, becomes loneliness� an aceeptance of life as it is in these bodies, separate and from first to last breath, alone� ultimately, the peace that comes from being secure that no one is needed to share it, that the experience is enough and if it is shared now or later in any way, great, but it doesn't even matter�

all that from a cup cake?�

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)