I think I was born feeling like I experienced everything already and I was just here in life again to play at random and experience whatever might come along in a quest for the impossible dream, as if I had a bet with someone to see if the impossible dream could possibly actually come true in this life at this time in history what with human development being caught in a state of landslide heading in the opposite direction from that dream... or so it appears on the surface...

I started a joke... but it wasn't funny to anyone but me... so do I change my perspective and who I am (as if that's possible) or do I just continue along as I am hoping somebody somewhere someday somehow 'gets it'...

but of course I continue, for there only was one choice... maybe...

but with stunning nonchalance, the word is getting around (tic tic yo) the master planner is in the house, tearing down walls and building bridges that only the fools and 58 percenters can cross (tic tic yo) in the midnight hour we wonder why the flower stands erect awaiting the stroke of the birds and bees, no joke farkin folk down on two kneez as if we were made of wormwood or hardwood or hardword and sought god in a splinter would we know a pain in the ass if we sat on one in the rain and hopped around in freakish agony while everybody thought we just danced like that to all that jazz (tic tic yo)...

and you think I am strange?...

maybe if I say it out loud three times that I wanna be among the crazzzy wannabee:z and perhaps considered listed in the noble line of voopla journaling and even amidst the bards poeticizing about how I wish I was holyz enough to be appointed to the nozebleed:z levels of the board of dawgfather:z (so high there is no sky, only infinity)...

(it it it)

but being from the Awk-Ward, I can only say in zee public forum:z was that it was years between my last post anywhere and this here (or that there), what I am doing here is a mystery to me, just following the word and Z...

not that I have any skill:z other than the executive office stuff, which is an illusion for a high-paid lackey (secrets of the board room told for free), but I'd consider accepting subordinate relations if the price was right (or even as a game show emcee, I return to the crazzzy wannabee:z...

suddenly sanguine into the words of John Denver and words of Elton John songs (mostly Bernie Taupin, his main musical squeeze), just to test your metal and then I wonder, like what would happen if I posted this?...

it is not the end:z

we can always create a new life, or buy one cuz there are lots of babies up for adoption all over the world and that is the new start instinct we all seem to have no matter how screwy the world gets and turns us off to procreation or propagation of the species...

meanwhile, my free-thinking everything changes philosophy will not get me elected pope or even membership in the currently high and mighty fan club of the power mongers (division of liars, cheats, and thieves), but I know the universe better than they do, seeing the bigger picture, after all, and far from perfect or knowing everything, I simply trust and am not a slave to paranoia, insecurity, or fear-based dogma (I leave the for the closed-minds who, sadly, endure their self-imposed retardation under the guise of ignorance is bliss, for them at least... but let's not take a closer look under the hood of their psyche unless you have a really strong stomach, ok?), therefore, my political statement for today shall be brief (like a good sound byte must be):

if you don't think fascism is contagious, just look at Canada...

ok, ok, now don't let me get all raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens on me, I'll come back from the mostly dead sooner or later and even if it doesn't happen until I'm in an old and gray body, someone else in this world with the same energy level will be there (hopefully not too far off in experiences cuz while libido lusts after the sleek smooth naturally fit bodies of active (but legal) youngsters, my mind seeks a mind that has been to the end of the universe and back... still, that mind would keep a body at least as fit as mine, by default, for the energy would kill a body any less fit (heck, I toy with sudden death in these recent days of vegetation myself)...

but for now, I wander through the wastelands telling myself that it is part of the journey towards understanding humanity... from living on the street to being an abused spouse to being in the suit and tie and king of the world (albeit a modest few hundred employee world, but in government work that's decent enough to play with a multimillion dollar budget)... from the hippie dippie groove merchant of psychedelic highs to the full time working student making the Deans lists and getting letters of integrity at honorarium dinners with the school President... from the free loving playboy of the western world to the Zen monk floating on a cloud of ethereal splendor... from the scraggy rebel kicking the doors of authority down in protest marches and actions to the sweet suburban life of a loving house-husband and doting daddy... from poverty to riches and various stages of socio-economic experience in between... from everybody knows and loves me social star in the relative center city of the known human universe to distant hermit on an abstract mountain in the sticks of fantasyland... I haven't seen it all, but I definitely filled in the colors of the bigger picture fairly thoroughly...

a lot too thoroughly for most...

as I said before, I was born feeling like I experienced everything already... but I did not sit on the imaginary laurels, I had to set out, as randomly as it may have been, to experience everything I could (and still on that road) to see if my first instinct was true and it appears it was... nothing is completely new, everything is a pattern of a memory deep within my brain...

and I think maybe it is that way for all of us... for those of us who can tap into species memory or universal consciousness or super string energy or whatever we might choose to call it at any point in time... it may be theory for science, if may be faith for (or called god by) spiritualists, but for me it's just the way it is in my head and in my life...

and I still think nobody really gets the whole joke...

the punch line, in so many words, is that it's one that no one can actually tell... you must experience it for yourself to get it...

I used to be there in that place a lot more often than I am now... and somewhere in my head I am always there... that's the main reason for feelings of isolation even when I am not living a hermit lifestyle... I'm always looking around, even in my mostly dead state, and finding eyes turning away or out of focus or focused on something that is so not the point... I notice that most people seem to like to focus on things that bother them... I think they turn away when they catch my eye because my expression says why? without actually confronting them for an answer or making any sort of judgment... just an honest (and what most would call innocent) why?...

come to think of it, why? was the listing I had in The Letter Exchange that introduced me to the last falling in love experience... given the results, hindsight suggest that maybe I should stop asking (there's a laugh, like I might)...

that's probably a commercial disguised as art, but then, isn't most everything?... try it in Korean or Chinese if you do not know either language and are into abstract communication...

like maybe momma told her not to come...

of course you know, all one of you, that if you showed up here yesterday when this entry was uploaded, that this was not here... the stuff after the sweet slumber was, but this part was not... and this part is not even a continuation of the entry as we might have thought it might be, this is just an explanation that this was not here the first time, even though it is here now and may appear to have been here all along... I mean, just in case you wanted to know...

it may have been a door slamming in my brain, though I've fallen asleep while writing entries at much less traumatic point in memory, but I did bring up Toronto, didn't I?...

great place, Toronto, no matter who lives there...

so what I was getting at is that there are layers within layers within layers of layers and clothes don't make the man, really, but you and millions of others might think so (not you, of course), but all buts aside, clothes sure did make Catherine Zeta-Jone's butt rise to the occasion in Entrapment (but I still remember Phoebe Cate's showering in a cave, but that's besides the point), which is cleverly distracting me from wherever I might have been going before I nodded off yesterday and you know what they say about fear, the only remedy is to cut off the head, but then, we sure know by now that to conquer death you only have to die (you only have to die) and I asked him to say what had happened, how it all began and that's when the sentence realized it was running on so it stopped...

hmmm, didn't I say somewhere that I wasn't going to do that?...

maybe we misunderstood me...

in Toronto I was with someone who looked like a cross between Catwoman (as in Michelle Pfeiffer) and Catherine ZJ with a little Gina Gershon thrown in and she was so deeply afraid of love that she never learned how to do anything but use people... oh, but she was such wondrous eye candy, the abuse almost seemed worth it at the time...

and ultimately, it was one of the missing experiences and the most extreme test of my unconditional trust (and unconditional love, but that's so much easier than the trust when reaching for the truly unconditional) and I believe I passed (though that's my perspective and naturally skewed, but still, it is...

and then I took off a few more years to recover (but this time it was at the bottom of the socio-economic ladder instead of quite a way closer to the top as it was the first time I retired for a few years... very different, but the measure of learning is not in the baubles, rather, the measure of learning is found in the understanding of the experience and at each extreme, the understanding was so profound that measurements no longer mattered... and still don't)...

but in the end (oh please, butt in the end?), this entry wandered way off from it's original intent, which was to point out that the voopla are growing and the funda are quite impressed and anyone who knows anything knows that the funda do not do impressed... so that's saying a lot... and so do I...

so be a part or fall apart as I impart this odd rampart with even odder rapport (quote the raven too, red glare optional)... and to think, all this might be missed...

we've all got to get a little crazy...

and about that joke I started with stunning nonchalance (no sweat)

don't worry about it...

but if you care, you can find out on the road with Cat Stevens and so many others born of the seventies when hippies were kings and they couldn't care less about the crowns of gold or thorns, but lived the love that everyone else told everyone else to live and just never got it right, you know, before the disco ball dropped...

I'll be right here...

and so after a nap and having just moments before time to leave for work, I glance at comments and smile ay your words (and your brains) for words in comments are wonderful reflections of entries of late, again) and I decide to upload this entry even though I do not have time to complete it (maybe that means it is complete enough... we shall see tomorrow, I suppose...

there are more than a few entries along the way that felt like they had more to say at the time of upload... many were updated after the upload, many were not...

in any case...

I am reminded suddenly that anytime is a good time to count your blessings (and check smoke alarm batteries, fire extinguishers, escape routes, and other safety stuff around your home and work environments)...

taking my tongue out of my cheek for a moment, I hug you for being here and thank you for your concerns, your wisdoms, your reassurances, your understandings (and even for the occasional misunderstandings)... please believe I am fine, feel reassured that I have felt blessed in this life with amazing experiences and retain mostly wonderful feelings about everything... and I survive happily playing with myself, my memories, my fantasies, and my body parts... the truth is in here, at least my version of it, amidst all the words in my written gardens... if you take the time and give the energy to explore and find it, you bless me all the more with your curiosity and if you find you care, your bless me all the more with your heart and if you let me know, you bless me all the more with your mind...

please do not doubt how much you are appreciated...

all is well, even as I play (or wallow) in my self-indulgences... and the lonelies come and go (big time), but hope remains certain that I shall dance out of them when the moment is right, when another partner appears in my mind's field of vision... and I will learn from these lazy days as I learn from everything, not only how foolish I can be at times, but how much wisdom and joy and pleasure and wonder can be found in foolishness if we build our own mysteries and dare to share them...

PS... I know the 'choice' link is not connected yet...

and other stuff...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)