I wonder how many people still remember (or even heard of) the Tomorrow show... for a while I thought Tom Snyder was actually named Tom Tomorrow, but there were drugs involved and the irreverent influences of the first season of SNL, so I figure Tom and those of us who understand might excuse the misunderstanding... for lent, or something, even... I really didn't have anything clever or insightful or even nostalgic to say about the show, though it does bring back warm, if cloudy, memories... it just came to mind when I named this page...

I am up early... awake, that is... though awake is such a relative term and I have not truly been awake in years... I remember a time when I was nineteen and was awake... it was late at night and I felt aware of everything and everyone was following me around from party to party (we were in a military barracks that was much more like a motel with carpeting and individual rooms and large sliding glass doors and a balcony walkway that I used to hang from when I'd sing Harry Chapin's Sniper (and other love songs) at full volume until the MPs were called... actually, they were only called once and that was because somebody started pissing on the crowd that gathered below, but that's besides the point, if there is one) like some party guru or something... and then there was the times every head would turn when I walked into the crowded cafeteria... it's about presense, and presence too... I gave that up in the hopes that coming down would be less lonely... it isn't... it's just a different kind of loneliness...

anyway, I may have work on my mind as the clique played another little game of pass the buck this morning and caught me offguard, which is probably why I remembered the relativity of awakeness... I was only semi-awake this morning as I was moving through my usual routine when someone volunteered me for another task that they apparently didn't want to do and I may be good, but being in two places at once would violate the contract I signed when I came to this planet (the non-disclosure of alien origins contract) so I explained what I was doing (which was obvious since I do it every morning ten minutes before going home, put away the supplies the kids need in the morning, and I was carrying the box of supplies to where I put it away (don'tcha just love it when people play ignorant?) and the person announced to no one in particular that I said I couldn't do what they were asking me to do and someone called out that they would finish the task I usually do and that's only possible if they could read my mind and know what I was remembering to write down in the log (because the supplies must be logged in and out) and they were well aware of this... so I asked if they did not want to do the other task and no one answered... so I said they can start the other task (which apparently meant staying a few minutes overtime, though no one mentioned that ovetime might be needed or asked me if I could or would stay late... that's communication, huh?) and I'll come relieve them when I finished what I was doing (which would be about ten minutes)... when I went to relieve the person, she said she'd stay, which puzzled me because the set-up to get me to stay without asking appeared to suggest no one wanted to stay, but then, when confronted with subtrifuge (or just poor communication), some will back down and take responsibility... I'll probably hear that I was not cooperative or not a team player one of these days, but then, I'll remind them that one can only be a team player if the team communicates with the player as this player doesn't read minds (also a violation of the contract, but so is this disclosure so don't tell anyone or even wink, nudge, or nod, ok?)...

meanwhile, I've still got yesterday's entry rattling around in my head (and pieces of emails) and that leads me deeper into the abyss of less awareness (relatively) that absorbs awareness and leaves me in the less aware place that promotes stupid decisions and manipulations like the one at work this morning... it was the announcement to no one that repeating my response that was the irritant... but then, that's how a set-up works...

then I get frustrated with myself for getting caught with my awareness down and that can lead to lower self-esteem or anger or self-pity or conflict (but usually for me the self-crap happens because I don't like dumping crap on others even when it's the crap they've dumped on me cuz I'm a firm believer in the concept of two wrongs not making a right even though it often diametrically opposes the more widely accepted eye for an eye philosophy that religions drill into people's heads and behaviors)... then I might not sleep as deeply and the usual daytime noises wake me (as they did today) and then will power might slip because I take comfort in food when I am frustrated with myself for letting awareness slip and then I get frustrated with the extrra ten pounds dragging around that gets me physically feeling sliggish and even less aware (we won't get into the physiological connections between mental and physical awareness just now) and that spiral could lead to laziness, poor health, and typical American eating habits...

and so my roommies afternoon activities woke me and work thoughts lead me to ponder deeper stuff that is probably why I am not getting back to sleep and now I look up and find they (roommies) are cooking (meat, of course) and baking chocolate chip cookies... so much for their continued plan to lose weight, huh?... well, the doc suggested I should lose 15 pounds when I went in after passing the kidney stone last week and I was thinking more like 20 or 25, which is less than half what would be healthy for each of them to lose so I am writing to resist the external influences and get a handle on my own self-defeating loop (if it was only this easy every time, huh?)...

I should sleep some more... M*A*S*H is on the TV... the episode where Hawkeye is made Officer of the Day... a good one, so therein, excellent at distracting... maybe I should head down to the gym (on 4 hours sleep?.. well, if I die, I die, right?)...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)