time is relative... this entry is actually being written a few hours later than the time stamp, but for the sake of having an entry each date (whenever possible) for some odd reason I don't remember and another will be written later after I wake up after I go to sleep for the 14th, as if this makes a world of difference or something...

I spent more than a few hours today composing an email... actually, it was an email response to a diary that expanded into an introductory letter (introducing me) that combined passages from a previously written sort-of introductory letter mentioned here that was written to her with a few words inspired by remembering what I said in a phone conversation to her and a couple of other DLanders who I'm not linking cuz we've kinda fallen out of touch and I wouldn't want to presume to be too familiar cuz maybe the deliberately distanced themselves for whatever reason (of course it's more likely just one of the same reasons I drop out of contact life, laziness, lack of inspiration, loss of self=esteem, self-pity, or some other distraction)... anyway, the email grew to more than 50K (and I wonder why some people don't respond?) which reminded me of the phases of this life in which I corresponded regularly with many people... in times before email I would use a word processing program and there were times when a single email would grow to a megabyte... I was usually in love during those letters...

being the lover of numbers and statistics that I am, I used to actually keep a database of my writings and number of pages was one of the columns... the database started as a way to list my writings by title (since so many were lyrical rhymes or poems, if we are generous) and I was well over 30,000 titles when I stopped keeping the database in the ninties... most were one or two pages rhymes with the occasional essay or story, but I also started listing letters... eventually the database had something like twenty columns for all sorts of information about each title... the things I'll do to amuse my brain when no one is around, huh?...

some of the letters, especially when I am introducing myself, have made it on to the web in one form or another... there are letters to friends that just ramble on as I do with friends and letters to strangers that are usually a little more topic specific, but not always, and letters that are more specifically introductory and then still more elsewhere and piles just waiting to be sorted through and edited and turned into web pages... someday my editor will come (like some girls wait for their Prince)...

anyway, I think I was pointing out that I tend to write a lot (duh?) and I've recently started writing letters again... that must mean something... like maybe I am starting to try to reach out and touch people more personally again... or maybe I am starting to trust the written word more again... or maybe I am finally starting to trust myself again... faith in me?... confidence?... rising self-esteem?... what novel concepts for me...

after several hours of composing that letter that is still growing and itching to be turned into a web page (and I say to my inner grasshopper, patience), I found my focus waning... what helped maintain the focus was that I put on the earphones when I woke today and that seemed to send the signal that I was mostly incommunicato even though I was sitting in the living room in the big green chair... three and a half CDs played, starting with Seventh Sojourn (Moody Blues), moving on to Diorama (Silverchair), and then in absentia (porcupine tree) and Live (Leftover Salmon), which was the half CD cuz I was talked into dinner by Precious (Rasputin was out all day and into the evening on a date of sorts) and then motivated myself to put the last of the kitchen stuff away cuz I motivated Precious to cut the contact paper (I waited to see how long it would take cuz they were griping about not having dishes and they adapted by using my paper plates and the plastic cups I have had for a couple of years) and then further motivation arrived and I spent a few hours installing the DSL network in the apartment and now my old desktop has DSL... since I seldom use it and almost always use my laptop, it doesn't help me much and it makes it inconvenient and time consuming because I now have to enter my passwords for each mail account (I have six on that computer cuz those accounts get way too much mail for the laptops... in fact, three of the accounts were bouncing again... it only takes a few days for them to hit their 10MB limit, each... most of it is SPAM, but there are a lot of groups on those accounts... I just don't make time for them anymore) when I want to download mail... I suppose I will find a way to comfortably use it to browse and then appreciate the speed for that...

so it's been a long day of writing and technology... and feeling good about a lot of things... and of course, loneliness, but that is a natural aspect of life between relationships... luckily I have fun with myself when nobody is around... how about you?...

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)