what I am finding as I share more personal communication on a one-to-one basis (something I have not done for a few years for several reasons) is that the catch-22 (if you relate to that reference) here is that when someone reaches out to me and asks for more and I respond with more (which is what we both want), the fact that they asked could diminish the impact of the fact that I am doing it (reaching out) at this moment... I am still responding more than initiating, yet, I try to live in the perspective that today is a new day and when I am reaching out (here or in an email or wherever), I am doing the reaching out first... my penchance for viewing everything from as close to both sides of opposite perspectives as I can imagine might dilute or might enhance... awareness can do both, but I prefer to focus on the enhancements... glass half full? :)

and this duality (or dichotomy) of perspective leads to rather distinct views you, dear readers, might have of me (and bring with you when you approach me more personally)... I may appear to be completely open and honest and vulnerable in my words on the web, and I am... but I can usually (and rather easily) step back and remember that they are just words... the meaning in words and therein their worth come from in me, my choice to empower words or not... while I am writing, for those moments the words flow, I am completely naked and not thinking of anything except the feelings and thoughts and words, the words are completely empowered for the moment... the moment I finish writing, the full psycho-emotional impact of the experience expressed in words climaxes (in a mental/emotional orgasm) and is felt intensely (whether it was pulled from my actual experience or observations or purely from imagination)...

and then I move on...

for me writing is, at the very least, cathersis, therapy, healing, cleansing, and also creative play... once the words are out, the experience passes and I can, if I want to, detach from the words (more completely than many might want me to - or believe I can do)... I believe strongly that people tend to read with their own desires even more than their eyes... written in the Talmud are these words:

"We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are."

in my experience if we forget this (or deny the truth in the statement), it can easily create misunderstanding, assumptions, and expectations therein skewing and diminishing possibilities when we meet and respond to a writer...

or anything, for that matter...

this entry comes from a personal correspondence and as I pondered the above thoughts I wondered if I forgotten how to write letters to a single individual... personal correspondence used to be a way of life for me and I have, in boxes and hopefully on computer disks, many thousands of letters to prove it to myself when I ask such questions as 'did I ever?'... now I wonder if I get too preachy...

I will share the most of the closing of that correspondence here (augmented by more babbling cuz that is what I do) for those of you who care about me and have been reaching out and for those of you who thought about it... I want so much to share more personally, more intimacy, more meaningful one-on-one... and yet, I may be avoiding it more than I realize... I may be defeating my purpose by writing so many diary entries and not responding enough to individual emails... I am pondering this possibility today...

in any case, I have things to do and words to write and have just two hours before I leave for work, so I will not ramble on here as if I have all night... I will, however, thank you again for your active caring... it is something I crave, and yet, have not responded well to it for some time... while I will, eventually, laugh at (and scoff at) the reasons I have withdrawn and empowered cowardess, for the moment I am, for the first time in this life, faced with more hesitation and avoidance than I've ever known before from within myself... the puzzling frustration for me is that it is more subconscious than I'd like, proof to me that I have detached from myself for long enough to let it become habit...

hopefully that will change... for it is not me as I know myself... it is very strange to see the world through eyes that do not reflect me as I know me, stranger still to find myself acting and reacting in ways that I know are not my ways... the roots of this diminished capacity and cloudy conscious awareness are deep and have been growing a long time... they are part of me and I will use them to create the me I want to be as I experience the growth again... so many words to say I am alright, but must go down to the pits once again...

I appreciate your encouragement I have received to return to a healthier physical state of being... if you want to know more details about the physical workouts I do, you can find details here... if you want to, you can help me by trying to understand the information on that page and letting me know what is not clear so you can know me better in the physical world... I am not interested in appearance, I am interested in feeling optimal physical conditioning and the numbers I keep track of represent the feeling I experience during the workouts... the numbers are actual measurements of the energy expended over time...

and there are so many of you that these next words are meant for...

I do want to find time to get to know you better, to visit your site more, to read more of your words... an email is one tangible step in that direction, initiating communication letting someone become someone I count on to listen to me and give me feedback, the first step toward being a true friend... I think I may have to relearn those skills as I still have a sour taste in my mouth about trusting people... I hope you understand this and my hesitation, avoidance, and independence does not put you off...

thank you for inspiring me to write this by being a positive person and caring about me and showing it... you give me a very precious gift I value dearly...

and to all of you who reach out to me (and you who might want to, but for now read me silently), I send you love and encouragement to follow your dreams, to reach out for what you want, and most of all to be the person you want to be...

share, care, be well, be aware... till tomorrow,

honest love, candoor

. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)