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CONVERSATION WITH GOD
MEANING OF LIFE
FORWARD THIS ENTRY
INTELLIGENT DESIGN
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o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o
ABOUT ZOOPLA
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are you generic?
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the truth laid bear
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boing boing
nobody here
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hell
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ill will press
the guide
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maximum awesome
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something awful
glossy news
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odd todd
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CULTURE
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church of the fsm
the onion
god checker
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post secret
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the white house
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the smoking gun
the defective yeti
landover baptist
evil bible
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last---past---next---now
�2006 Candor Communications
2006-03-31 - 2:00 p.m.
work life in black and white
incomplete entry alert
in the event of a complete entry, this alert will be cancelled, removed, and for all intensive purposes, never have been here... you see it now because this entry is not yet complete and there is still hope for completion before or at least just as the next entry is uploaded... if this adds to the excitement and clarity and momentary spontaneity (or something) of reading life in black and white behind the candoor, then good, yay, cool... if not, continue about your business and enjoy it, whatever it is and however you choose to do it... we now bring you the incomplete entry
ok, so moments for me, sort of, at least what moments I can take for me at work (yes, at work again� seems most of my writing happens at work these days what with blogmad bringing me back to some semblance of online community {reminding me of how much love sharing words and on a lesser level but still alive and kicking, my old love/hate relationship with the family spotlight} and home stuff asking for more and more time {I need a week off just to do laundry and clean up around here [and of course in the midst of finally motivating myself to start cleaning up the mess, I get for a school pick up and that�s a sure killer of the cleaning bug� life in black and white behind the candoor is as it is, we need a maid, cook, chauffeur, and at least three personal assistants� apply within parenthetic asides for applications and further details] and then a vacation to catch up on myself} and perhaps it is time to close this parenthetic introduction so I might start this entry and go wherever it might go), ever so few (moments, in case you lost the thread or subject or predicate or something literary comprehension thing), in fact, perhaps ten moments, perhaps a hundred with a moment being as brief as time exists at times, but then, one moment purely experienced can be an eternity, or at least a lifetime as we known eternity in this life� but enough philosophical mumbo jumbo for this moment, I shall look around where I am, face north (and rotate) and stand and deliver�
it will be completed today, I hope�
and today�s entry will be coming some time after that�
cuz there�s always hope�
I hope�
sheesh, there is way too much energy here at work tonight... unfortunately, too often people come to work the night shift in a hospital and do not realize how noisy they are in the patient sleeping areas... and lately, each night here there is a new person who needs training and, well, I've vented about the ridiculousness of the management of this place enough...
let's just say that in a patient care environment, it's usually not fair all around when management and supervisors are not actively involved in patient care... what too often happens is management detaches and becomes ignorant of the subtleties and nuances of quality patient care (if they ever knew in the first place) and a few people do most of the work while the rest are allowed to develop very poor work habits...
then management meets regularly to discuss how to improve everything (because just about everything needs improving) and they just don't get involved enough to know how to improve anything until the over react when they find something they can clearly identify as correctable, so...
I miss Berry...
she's healing slowly, as are we all... everybody I know in the offline world seems to be still wandering around in a bit of a daze these days for one reason or another... living that hard knock life seems to be the style in our culture, even if we dress it up pretty and pretend it is easy, we still make everything so much harder than it needs to be... at least from my perspective... but then, I've long accepted that my perspective is rather different, even incompatible with the norms of our grand civilized human world...
I feel the temporary quality of a moment, of everything... I accept that everything changes and at least in a physical sense, everything comes to some sort of end... and I believe life is about feeling all the feelings... so while death brings a massive sadness, it is also a renewal of the joy of life... death is a reminder of how precious each moment is... and how we should not waste a moment doing anything less than rejoicing in being alive in this physical world where we can share art and words and our senses and each other...
further separating me from the norms is my perspective on interactions... I do not see everything in terms of confrontation and competition as so many seem to (without even realizing it at times)... life for most seems to be about conflict... even fiction is considered boring without conflict... I think that comes from a insecurity that leads people to feel some pressure to be in control, to always be doing something, but I don't think that being responsible living beings requires always acting overtly responsible or controlling...
I wonder, whenever I see someone demanding that another person conform to a guidelines they set, what is it that is missing from that controlling person's life or psyche that they feel compelled to reach beyond their own lives for control and power... most of the time they would be better served cleaning up their own backyard or family or behaviors or thought process, but they seem intent on trying to straighten up someone else's... live and let live doesn't seem to be much more than a pipe dream or clich� for most people...
I suppose it could be said that I'd like to impose my will on those who try to impose their will on others, but sometimes one can wax philosophically long after the candle has burned out and then, what's left to do but sit in the dark and make imposing sounds so that others know we are there... not unlike the great apes at night in the jungle... and they wonder why I laugh at myself (when they are not assuming I am laughing at them)...
meanwhile, at home behind the candoor...
Precious is back with her last boyfriend... if you've been reading a while, then you may remember him... he would be the one who dumped her on Thanksgiving eve with no explanation... yes, I give her the "are you an idiot?" look, but then, she's an adventurer and handles herself fairly well in her relationships... or... she's setting herself up to get hurt again... time will tell... I think the pressure of upcoming Prom and social events and the fact that her two best friends are going out with each other may have nudged the wayward pair back together... and he drives... remember high school?...
Rasputin is working twelve hour days these days (sometimes longer), so we don't get to see him much... he's out of relationships lately too... no time and not the right girl... at least he's had girlfriends this year... personally, I'd rather have less money and more time to enjoy life, but then, I'm not a single dad to a teenage daughter... I remind Precious of the hierarchy of wallets in the house now and then, since I do seem to go through money much faster than I used to because she's here... I think it's just being in the proximity of a teenager girl that makes money somehow magically disappear from a wallet...
as for me, blah... I mean, it's better than bleh, after all... but there's nothing much going on in this life offline... everything remains very much a life in black and white... I do miss the rainbows, but still enjoy my daily fun, mostly online and solitary in the physical space (except for hours spent listening to Precious tell me everything that's going on in her life... I try not to enjoy living vicariously through a seventeen year old girl too much as I have not completely retired from living a colorful life myself... I am just on an extended hiatus)...
I've been dragging my feet for a while now, a year or more... lazy is a very easy habit to slide into... I might be able to joke about almost forgetting where the gym was if I didn't drive by it every day on the way in and out of the parking lot of the apartments... I should be reading more blogs that offer up inspiration more often, but then, even when I do read more positivity I am still a stubborn kid and motivate myself only when I am good and ready...
so I sit back and amuse myself in my complacency these days... I feel like I've been through enough ringers, about done it all, put it on a stick and toasted life like a marshmallow over a campfire and now I am parked at a nice scenic overlook watching the trees play with the wind and listening to the grass grow...
sighing contented sighs...
and while I would very much like to have more company in my idyllic little perspective, I'm way too content just watching the wheels go round and round, as John Lennon once sang... except that he had his soul mate partner to cuddle up with at rest and share everything all the time... mine is still somewhere out amongst the trees and tall grass...
lay in the tall grass, and dream in black and white
beyond the stars may be heavens we can share
but for now we are here... if we care
feelings call me, come down, embrace the night
release all the dark and turn on your inner light
compressed in these moments we may become real
if we allow ourselves to share what we feel
call the energy a spirit dance
call the remedy a mental trance
from meditation to prayer
we all can something there
if we are willing to take the chance
gentle breezes motion through the trees
every night brings blessings such as these
all day long we may struggle to survive
but for now here we are... just alive
we have come this far... now arrive
a wish on a star... be alive
so where is this entry going (and must it go somewhere?)... most of tonight was actually devoted to work (amazing, no doubt)... I feel like I've said this before... another deja vu all over again... the nervous energy of new staff and the loudness of staff not really right for the night shift was bound to stir up the unit...
so here we were peacefully getting our paperwork done when one of the most challenging girls woke and decided it was time to challenge... all reports I read about her say the state she was in leads to violent confrontation, restraint, medication, and restrictive consequences... she is one who is physically restrained several times a week on other shifts... now even if we did have sufficient staff on the night shift to go there, that's just not my style...
if there is a talking solution, I'm going for the talking solution first (who's laughing)... lots of staff get frustrated with me because they don't have the patience to remain in what they consider crisis mode for long and just want to put an end to it physically... recognizing the difference between simple acts of defiance and a crisis situation seems beyond some... as I saw it, a girl needed to be talked through an oppositional defiant mood and talked out of cycling into a violent episode...
so with five tense staff ready for a fight standing inches behind me, I'm talking to the girl trying to get her to focus on what is best for her (and stop listening to the tension behind me)... after about five minutes of discussion, she apparently was able to shut out the tension around her and get a hold of the tension inside of her that woke her and started the cycle... she made a choice to walk to the "quiet room" and sleep in there... it does not always go so well, this swimming against the current of confrontation and power struggles, but the stars must have been aligned well for me tonight...
and I extrapolate a bit to return to the previous theme of this entry... sometimes I wonder if every working environment is dominated by power struggles, gossip, and suspicion... or even every human interaction is so predicated... or does it just take a few very insecure and borderline people in the mix, in the working environment, a few paranoid managers over-personalizing just about everything to make the entire place psychologically unhealthy unless you've got an amazingly thick psychic skin...
as I see it, when the people in power are in over their heads, floundering whenever any sort of pressure to perform is placed on them, rarely can anyone relax and focus on doing a good job... sometimes it just reaches a point where the best I can say is a silent whatever as I calmly go my own way...
ah, but I was enjoying my field of lilies, my meadow of poppies, my forest of tress where leaves rode the breeze... so home again, home again, back to the written gardens in my mind where peace rests easy against my secure stubborn streak... where I know that I may not always be right (in fact, odds are I am not always right), but I am always the one who has the decision to make... and this knowledge eliminates most of the confusion... I want to be happy, that is my decision... so I am...
sometimes being a simple child (inside) makes everything easy... unfortunately, as years pass, it also makes life lonely unless that special partner comes along to come to earn the trust of that child (inside)... I hope all of you know what I mean, I am sure some of you do...
oh yeah, well until I return to complete this entry and so on, this gets me way excited�
so there�
time for a break...
so what's new out there in your world?...
. o O ( NOTES ARE THE NEW HAPPY PILL ) O o .
(just let me know you were here)
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