IN BLACK AND WHITE last---past---next---now ( FEATURED OTHERS 'n STUFF ) MEG AND DIA! ORLANDO? WHERE IT BEGAN ARE THEY SERIOUS? (how far are we from censorship?) ONE. . . WHY (find your social conscience)
CONVERSATION WITH GOD MEANING OF LIFE FORWARD THIS ENTRY INTELLIGENT DESIGN (SEE WHAT THE POPE SAYS) o O ( AND COMING SOON! ) O o ABOUT ZOOPLA o O ( AND CURRENT EVENTS ) O o blogadvance blogazoo blogexplosion blogmad? bloglines o O ( SOCIAL CONCERNS ) O o HELP THE RED CROSS MESSAGES FROM MISSISSIPPI BLOG FOR RELIEF NEW ORLEANS JOURNAL (MIRROR OF N.O. JOURNAL) (INCLUDING LIVE CAM AND PHOTOS) HELP AND BE HELPED HURRICANE HOUSING LINKS TO HELP IMAGES FOR HISTORY New Orleans News Buloxi News THE FAILURE FREE SPEECH (tell them what you think) The White House (202) 456-1111 Senate and Congress (202) 224-3121 YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHTS USE THEM FAT MAN WALKING BLOGATHON! INDEX BEGIN FACE FUN! last---past---next---now SITES I SEE A LOT IxQuick Search Google Search itools references movie database Giga-Quotes Harry Chapin Lyrics SSA OLD AND NEW READS (WISH I HAD MORE TIME TO READ and EXPLORE) mother jones utne reader common dreams the progressive mediate the other side orion harper's rolling stone reel classics fallout shelter the memory hole song meanings truth out wil wheaton bugmenot global news matrix break for news are you generic? neil gaiman h2g2 daily kos the truth laid bear reason capitol hill blue boing boing nobody here SITES I AM CONSIDERING SEEING MORE OFTEN 3Hive metafilter comics digg REFERENCE LIBRARIES questia wikipedia gutenberg internet public library deep web search engines itools references movie database Giga-Quotes rare-lyrics all musicals AMUSEMENTS Diaryland Times home star runner hell hell too sinfest ill will press the guide purple despair maximum awesome 86 the onions straight dope something awful glossy news eric conveys emotion odd todd cracked CULTURE the superficial darwin awards this is true urban legends news of the weird church of the fsm the onion god checker faqs fark iGod post secret webby awards meetup the white house ragged trousered philosopher the smoking gun the defective yeti landover baptist evil bible COMMERCIAL CRAP (AND PRON)
PROMPTS (IF YOU KNOW ONE LET ME KNOW) Unconscious Mutterings Friday Feast Wednesday Whatevers Sunday Brunch Monday Madness Thursday Threesom Saturday Questions (make it real) PO BOX 780398 Orlando, FL 32878 send me some music your favorite music old or new blissful or blue let your message come through and I will love you forever last---past---next---now �2006 Candor Communications |
2006-02-20 - 11:06 a.m. sometimes I wonder why I continue... sometimes I wonder why I go on is it a show, am I a story? where does it end, when is it gone? has it all been just a dream? does anybody know what . I . mean? . o O ( fade . in ) O o . all I've ever wanted was one person to live for (someone that I would die for, someone that I could live for too), someone who lived for me and all the love I give, the help and caring I share, the best intentions I strive to actualize... everything I do for others feels very good, but I keep hearing a voice inside say that the primary reason for my being here is to share the fairy tale romance with one (one girl, one special girl, one girl to be with forever and ever)... sigh... dumb voice, huh?... the fact is that I could be satisfied living in a bubble with one, living anywhere doing anything... all other desires, all other aspects of my life would happily take a back seat and rest if I could spent my time sharing space with the one who reaches me at my core, the one who fits, the one who is my match... hopelessly hopeful romantic... anyway, back down to Earth, as long as that person is not around, I ramble on from this to that, from ethereal to visceral, from silliness to seriousness, from oblivious to social awareness... exploring everything rather randomly... hoping someone might be interested in sharing a thought or few... hoping I might contribute something good to the world... silly me... so I found myself uploading my weekend entries in one swoop yesterday morning and wouldn�t you know that the Sunday morning entry was once again a preachy sermon kind of thing (rather socio-political this time, I'd say)... I laugh at the seriousness of life most of the time, but that does not mean I do not take life seriously all the time... I just flit and flutter about more than most anything else these days because there's nobody here on the ground waiting for me when I come down (not to mention nobody flitting and fluttering around with me, shall we move right into lament?... where'd everybody go?... oh, well, some other time then)... meanwhile, in the real world, what I was doing in RealTime� for at least a few hours yesterday was download music from the audiography community and while my hard drive slowly approaches too full to function and my listening pleasure is delayed until I have a computer that can work well with audio/video files and programs without crashing, I still feel the thrill (however vicariously and displaced in time) of the music just knowing it's going on my hard drive... one day very soon I must move the files to a CD so the computer can breath a bit deeper again... it's a semi-random download of songs because I just download everything (without adjusting file names or identifying the person who uploaded it, which leaves a lot to be desired, but the music comes in and I will get to listen again (and wake up to feel again) one of these days... the first thing I want to do when I get a better computer is put all the random files I've accumulated from other people's computers and the internet and sort through them and organize them and rename them (and maybe even identify them... oh the time that might take and oh the fun that would be even if no one shares it with me but of the fun that sharing that would be) and return to the music the way I knew it throughout this life... and start mixing again... . o O ( shhhh, even amidst the din, he hears in silence ) O o . and sleeps... if you blinked (or less metaphorically, simply have not visited here this weekend) you may have missed three entries like most everybody else... have no fear, I shall not weep more tears for those who sleep for years even as I became one I still was having fun as if I didn't know but you know I knew (even if you acted as though you didn't know I knew you did), so sing another lullaby or few... I miss those golden slumbers... the oddest thing about sleepwalking through life is perhaps the misnomer for there surely seems to be no rest... but seriously to you dear readers, thank you for being out there... and most gentle loving hugs to you who keep coming back (and I sense you there without a word)... most seriously of all, please realize that my begging for attention and acknowledgement and love is not as desperate as I make it out to be (dang, I'm telling secrets again... can't seem to keep my psyche veiled in mystery for long, can I?) and you are so very welcome and appreciated to just come by and read... you bless me with your presence, you honor me when you add me to your favorites... so pay no attention to the ego behind the curtain as you visit behind the candoor... your caring is what matters most... and I do hear the silence, not only for it's sorrow or boredom or rushed moments, but for all it's beautiful love... I hope this is the reason you return, believing I care about you... you are welcome in my world in any way you wish to come... sitting quietly on the sofa, dancing naked in the yard, napping on the patio, hiding out in the bedroom, munching at the table, sitting next to me chattering away, any way you come, you are most welcome... those of you who say nothing are valued for you do not return to read yourself commenting, you do not come here to shine, you simply return to find out what I think, how I feel, and who I am... or maybe to just be distracted from your day/night for a while... you ask for nothing but to read and I want you to know you are appreciated for being here... I understand I sometimes think nobody cares look at my hand it reaches out and comes back empty it offers help and love a plenty but distance keeps you all at bay the words are all we've got today I want you to come out to play with me today and if you feel like no one cares I understand sometimes it feels like no one cares it wasn't planned as we rush through days for a dollar we miss so much I want to holler how many of us are feeling this way the words are all we've got today want someone come out to play with you today? if words are all we have then let's enjoy them these words are all we have so let's employ them to express how we feel and believe it is real as I am here and you are there and we believe that no one cares let words we share make us aware that someone cares I care, you care, we care we can share this comfort zone I care, you care, we care we don't have to feel so alone and even this far from my musical roots I still think in rhymes and feel in melodies... and even after all the pain I still believe we can live in peaceful harmonies... and even though the last time I felt completely in my skin was long ago... I still feel the rhythm in my heart, a silent symphony of life where love can flow... don't let my great depression fool you, the childinside still love to smile and momentary distraction does not obliterate my style for my extraordinary enjoyment of life still seems to have no end no matter how great the great depression I still feel like my best friend... what can I say?... I love my company... fun is my way... even when the road gets bumpy... and the pits of despair are crying out for my blood and I feel like a lost stick in the mud there is still something amusing to me about everything I see and no matter how lost I seem to get in the mud of despair... there's still a constant part of my heart that's aware... it's my choice to feel good and when I care... so I care and feel good and I try to share... so if you think nobody cares I understand the way that feels... can we change the way it feels?... can we change the way we feel?... I believe we can but you have to give these words the power to reach your heart and let it feel the caring can be real if we make it real... the words are all we've got today want someone come out to play with you today? it starts when you believe the words I say I care, you care, we care we can share this comfort zone I care, you care, we care we don't have to feel so alone so yes, the optimism and joy for living continues to shine deep inside even when it may not be visible to the naked eye, even when I feel all tangled up in blue... and so yes, last week's single's awareness day may have brought me sadness deeper than I would let myself consciously know at the time because I am just so good at distracting myself cuz loneliness is such an old friend it can sit silently by unnoticed while I play with myself and have much fun in my imagination as if caring in a vacuum is enjoy to make for a fulfilled life... and what if it is?... would that be so strange?... and what if it is and I don't want it to be?... would that make me strange?... well it's not wrong to be strange and in fact on me it feels just right... of course that might be why I am alone tonight (har har har har)... I must be cruel to laugh at my misery... or maybe I just enjoy the drama (hee hee hee hee)... suddenly a Mars Volta song calls out to me... cries out to me... I will never sleep alone... yes, I am one of the haunted who loved so deeply once that the love reached infinity (and beyond) that the memory of her breath on my cheek remains as visceral today as it did a hundred years ago... perhaps it was another life, perhaps I just feel the years longer than they are, but the power of love remains with me and for better or worse, for pleasure or frustration of any new partner, I will never . sleep . alone... what I miss most about music is the communication... how music spoke to me and how I spoke through music... how I could stay awake for days playing song after song searching for the perfect next song on a mix tape until I had a mix tape that would near perfectly express something I so wanted to say... a mix that would remind me of some vital information... a mix that would communicate with someone exactly what I wanted them to know... and the connection that could come from sharing the mix, from finding someone who could feel something close to what I felt making and then listening to the songs... I so miss the musical story... I used to imagine them all the time... music was always on around me... and I'd listen to songs and over they'd come together in my head to form bigger pictures, stories that went well beyond the individual songs... it wasn't too often I met anyone as immersed in music as I was, but when I did there's a connection that could not be described in words alone, but suffice to say there was magic involved... and the dream consumed me when they exhumed me I couldn't be found without a sound a musical dream made the world go 'round and then I fell in love with the girl the girl of my dreams and she consumed me when they exhumed me without a sound I couldn't be found without music my world was not around now I don't know where I'm bound where I'm going doesn't matter reason, rhyme, all idle chatter serve it on a silver platter I don't hear it anymore nothing's like it was before when dreams collide there's nothing left inside the music died no, no no, we can't end there... not lost in despair... somebody must care... please, please, please, I'm down on my knees... it can't be all lies... say there's a reprise... what did you expect from a dreamer like me?... what did you think you'd get from a broken heart, a family?... what do you want from me now, I'm done... the song is over I hope it was fun... what?... which where who?... feeling so numb... where is this musical dialog coming from?... when did it begin, when will it end?... who has the answers?... is this pretend?... maybe if I simply walked away... evil, ain't i?
< last one < < < < BURP! > > > >next one > |
. . . . . the moment we interrupt these seemingly mindless dots for a word from (or at least about our sponsor (hmmm, sponsor?... what's the opposite of sponsor?)... anyway, now, as ado-less as possible, the word for you or andrew)... connections . . . . AND WHATDYA MISS? Can You Laugh At The Sky? DSandDrew It's Been A While Just a Moment (Proof of Mice) A Moment of Forever older still random chance who me? leave a note? (read archived notes) send me mail? you want to know me? soundtrack 101 Things The Sequel The Trilogy 202 Things 200 Things 202 More Things 202 Things Again testing123 have time, love words? sleepwriting (where the heart dreams) and now, in RealTime� and then, (e)thereal and now, briefly, in case it matters and now, the dirt, drama, and details (babbling) DO ME! (Johari Style) DO ME WRONG! (but do me right) SOAP! (EPISODE ONE) (the dark side of candoor) loving linkers other loves A Diaryland Survey other surveys small world your profile matters (search for you & find me) tell others read others applause? favor? gift? get your own! saturn rings and other places googlisms browsing where've ya been? the searchers favorites 911 HEY AMERICA! LOOK AT YOUR CHILD STOP THE ABUSE (GET THE CODE) THOUGHTS ON GOD ( temporary attractions ) BACK TO #1 @ GOOGLE! WAS #1 @ MSN! (for a while, now on page (EXPERIMENTAL PLAYTHINGS) RSS? who links here blogwise Blogarama Globe of Blogs blogthings ~ BLOGLINKERS ~ ~ BLOGROLLING ~ Blogroll Me! published blogadvance blogazoo blogexplosion blogmad? bloglines (PREVIOUS TEMPORARY ATTRACTIONS) TSUNAMI INFO fantasy sports? BLOGGIES? sorry everybody Orange Blossom Music Festival Deland Music Festival MIT Survey brilliant idea Celebrate Birthdays FOR FREEDOM CONTINUE... talking dog SAY HELLO 407-325-1482 and if you want to leave take good care hope you make a lot of true friends out there |